Engaged, Changed, and Rearranged

I've had a lot of emotions in the past three months. Some feelings were expected, others were not. The excitement and the exhilaration were obvious engagement emotions. The fear and the frustration, not as much.

What nobody told me is that it's actually all really overwhelming. The wedding talk gets old. The headintheclouds sensation wears off, and at one point all that's left may be the stark cold reality that everything is going to change. There's no going back. Plans need to be made. Budgets are real things. Money needs to be saved yet somehow also needs to be spent. In truckloads. You are going to be stuck with the same person for the rest of your life. And yes, that can actually be a terrifying thought. The 'I want to be with you forever [insert heart-eye emoji]' feeling is still there, but it can easily become drowned by the fear that comes with creating an entirely new life.

It's not that being engaged isn't romantic and wonderful. It really is. But it quickly becomes not all cliche.

From Mine to Ours

I've realized I am a very selfish person. Somehow I managed to fall back into my four-year-old ways where every item that I cherished in some minuscule way was "MINE." Except now it's more about the figurative money and not the physical items. My life savings are no longer entirely my own. The commitment I made means that my life will now be shared with someone else. I can't make decisions based on my own 'wants.' The things that used to be mine now become ours. 

Wedding Talk Gets Old 

If you're anything like me, you might actually get tired of talking about weddings. I mean, this is the thing you've been dreaming about all your life, but when the 18th person asks you how the wedding plans are going, it might seem like that's the only thing people are interested in. Am I not more than a wedding planner?!  Plus, wedding planning is actually not the most relaxing thing. Somehow looking at the tally of all the prices of all the things you need takes a little fun out of it.

The Unintentional Distance 

Something I never realized was that deciding to be the first of my friends to get married meant creating distance. Suddenly I don't have as much in common with the people around me as I thought I did. I'm stuck in an awkward in-between stage of having all the newly-weds and engaged people being older than me, and all of my own friends being at completely different life-stages. And it's surprisingly unsettling when you have the option of hanging out with people in their mid-to-late twenties who have their own tight-knit group already, or hanging out with people your age who you can't relate to as much as you used to.

Our Family?

Creating a family isn't the easiest thing either. It's sort of brought me back to my teenage days of silent rebellion, when all I wanted was to get out of my family and start my own life. Now here we are, and I don't really want that anymore. I'm torn between building a home with the love of my life, and curling up on the couch between my mom and dad and never leaving. And the whole thing where people say you marry into the family? Well. Yeah. That's a thing.



Now that I've probably made everyone feel like getting married is the worst thing ever, let me just say, weddings are wonderful. Being engaged is wonderful. Being in love is wonderful. Planning for the future is wonderful. Gaining extra siblings is wonderful.

But, it's also terrifying. Stressful. Scary. Emotional. Overwhelming. [insert any other negative emotion]. Nobody ever warned me of that. I mean people said "It's going to be hard." But you know, life is just hard in general. So "hard" doesn't really encompass much.

Let me also say that the terrifying-stressful-scary-emotional-overhwhelmingness of this time in our(mine+Ryan's) lives has one hundred percent been God's way of drawing us nearer to Him.

I think that amidst the planning and excitement we so easily forget who brought us and our loves together in the first place. It's so easy to forget because planning in itself is so naturally under our control. Planning is a really dangerous thing if you think about it. Checkmark after checkmark you can push yourself farther and farther from Him. No wonder fear can so easily overtake.

4 Reminders For The Engaged 

(and everyone else) 

From Isaiah 41:10-14

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand... I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you...  Do not be afraid... do not fear, for I myself will help you," 

You are not alone. 

You have strength.

He will help you. 

He will hold you up. 

So do not be afraid. 

Lessons From 20 Days Of Being Twenty

For years we dream of being older. From the first time the firemen come to our kindergarten class we long to be able to have real grown-up jobs. From the first time we watch Cinderella we long for true love. From the first time we see a newborn baby we long to be mothers.

We live for the day. We dream about the day. We long for the day. The day that is beyond where we are at now. The day where we will have everything we have ever dreamed of.

Dreams are a wonderful thing because they are simply that. Dreams. What everybody tried to tell me (and what I never actually believed) is that the present years are the years to be embraced. We are free to dream, definitely. But we need to be careful to also recognize the past dreams that are being fulfilled at present.

I was reading James 5 this morning and there are three things that stood out to me, probably because they sum up the lessons I have been learning this year and the reality of life (so far) in my twenties.

Patience 

"Be patient, then, brothers [and sisters]" (8) 

Things will not just come to you (and if they ever do, it will not be a regular thing). Work is real.

You will not be rich. In fact, you will probably be the poorest you will be throughout the course of your life. And your parents will not continue to pay for everything. Budgets are real.

Your boyfriend/fiance/husband will be experiencing the same stresses as you. The teenage 'on top of the world' mantra will not last forever. He will not be perfect. His flaws are real.

You will not be the best at everything anymore. You will realize that even though you got the music award, the sportsmanship award, the math award, the science award, the english award, and the french award in highschool you physically cannot be the best at all of those things anymore.

You will have to learn to be patient with the people around you when they try to tell you these things, even though you know you can only learn for yourself. You will have to be patient with your parents as they try to navigate their roles in their young adults' lives. You will have to be patient with your boyfriend/fiance/husband as he tries to make it through this time in your lives as well. And you will have to be patient with yourself as you make mistakes and take some wrong turns on the second-decade-road.

Perseverance

"consider blessed those who have persevered." (11)

Some days you will feel like you're not going to get anywhere. Like when that job you were counting on doesn't work out, when your bank account becomes a couple digits less than you need it to be, when your relationship seems to be teetering on a rock, or when you don't do as well as you were hoping to on your final exam. 

What I've been reminding myself - correction: what God has been reminding me - is that life won't be like this forever. 

This is only a short time in our lives. We are not always going to be broke and confused and searching for our place in this world (at least to the degree we are now) forever. 

But even though it's a short time, it's also an important time. It's a time where we are entirely shaped and moulded into who we are going to be - the individual people who will go out into the world and (hopefully) follow the paths that God has planned. In order to become those people, we need to persevere (perseverance must finish its work so that we may be mature - James 1:4) 

Prayer

"Again he prayed," (18) 

I've been trying to start a new pattern. When I become frustrated or overwhelmed with life or start thinking negatively about a situation, I pray instead.

It sounds so simple, but it is so powerful. Because prayer changes your perspective on everything. It takes the grief out of your own hands, and places it in the hands of the One who can transform anything into joy. And rather than attempting life on your own strength (this has never worked well for me) you then have His strength to carry you.

The other thing about prayer is that it is the key ingredient in your relationship with Him.

Communication is probably the most important part of any relationship. Prayer is communication with the most important One in your life. Prayer brings peace. Prayer brings power.

Prayer brings patience and perseverance and all the other things you need. 

Sweet Serendipity

Oh how God works in crazy ways. 

Last week, the man of my dreams asked me to marry him. It was the best night of my life and I wish that I could relive it over and over again - the suspense, the surprise, the secret scheming of my best friends. But never in a million years would I have ever imagined that this would happen at this point in my life.

Nine months ago I was ready to pack up everything and leave for Africa, become a nun(such a ridiculous thought), sign away my life to med school, or whatever other wild life-changing thing was plausible. After many teenage years of boy-crazy days, longing for the perfect love story, I decided that I didn't want to get married or fall in love anymore. I wanted to do something 'crazy' ... 'for God' (whatever that meant?)  

Ironically, within a month after my new life decision, God dropped someone in front of me - or more like shone a light on him since he had been in my life for the past six years - and pretty much shouted (kindly, but clearly) "Here you go, Kayla!"

I first learned that this word existed when I was in grade 11. My teacher had a pretty-looking poster on the wall with the word decorated in a fancy way. I had no idea what it meant, but I thought it sounded interesting. Last semester I finally found the definition in my statistics textbook: "finding one thing when you are looking for something else." Personally I think that's too beautiful of a definition for a research book.

God is the King of serendipity. 

I was looking for adventure, and instead God brought me love - an adventure in itself. 

I wanted to feel the thrill of freedom. God wanted me to feel a physical representation of His love - in which I would find the greatest thrill and the greatest freedom. 

I think this happens more often than we realize. We go looking for something we think we want, and God surprises us with something else. 

"A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps."  Proverbs 16:9 

Sometimes we think of this verse as comfort, and we preach it to ourselves when we realize we've become control-freaks. Other times we become extremely frustrated when our plans don't work out and we secretly wish that this verse didn't exist. I am the ultimate plan-maker. Seriously. I really like my plans. I like to know what I'm going to find ahead of me. I like to be prepared. And I'm generally not a fan of surprises. But I've been learning that we should always try to find excitement in the unexpected things, because they most often bring the most joy - and joy goes beyond the circumstances.

There are so many big uncertainties ahead. (How is a wedding going to fall into place? How am I going to afford life as a student? What if nobody thinks we're doing the right thing? What if everything falls apart? What if... what if... what if...) 

Slowly, I'm learning how to find freedom and joy in the parts of my life that I'm not sure about. I'm being reminded that God is holding us in the palm of his hand, and I'm learning that the poster in my grade 11 classroom was there for a reason. I'm learning that we might think we are some certain place for one purpose, when really God has us in that place for another, greater purpose.

I'm also learning that everyone is going to have opinions - but ultimately, only God knows.

Only God knows the reason for us being wherever we are.

Only God can lead us in the right direction.

Only God can give us beautifully unexpected changes in direction that are in our best interest.

Only God can compose sweet songs of serendipity, that soothe our wandering, love-longing souls. 

For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:9

Eucharisteo & The Sound of Rain

Thanks.

I have often felt burdened by that word.

It's a tag-on. A formality. Something children are taught to say when they're learning their manners. Something you say when you don't know how else to respond. Sometimes it's used at the end of a letter. Sometimes it's used sarcastically. Then there's the holiday version of it. Everyone is always so 'thankful' on that one day of the year.

Most of the time it is really just said so that people will think you're polite and kind and a morally good person.

'Thanks' is probably among one of the first words you were taught. You probably had to say 'thank you' to the kind stranger who held the door open for you. And you probably had to say 'thank you' when your mom handed you a cookie, or when your older sibling let you play with their toy.

If you think back to the first prayer that you ever learned (or even just heard) it also probably had some form of 'thanks' in it. "Thanks" is most likely one of the first things you ever said to Jesus. "Thank you Jesus for our food." "Thank you for dying on the cross." "Thank you for mommy and daddy and my house and my dog and my sister..."

Thankfulness comes so naturally for children (once they learn the word). They can think of so many things that they're thankful for. When I was younger, I would pretty much just list off everything that came to mind when somebody asked what I was thankful for. From the lamp beside my bed to my friend who lived in Sweden.

As I became older, I started to avoid the 'thanks' part of my prayers. It might have been because there were too many things that I was 'supposed' to be thankful for and it would just have taken too long to say them all. Or it could have been because it was just easier to ask for things and talk about all the problems I had. I would lie in bed saying my end-of-a-long-day prayer silently in my head, and my mind would drift. I would start off with "thank you for this day" and then I would quickly end up telling God how I had a ton of homework that I didn't get done, how I was stressed all day because I barely had time to eat, how my parents didn't understand me. Then I would talk to him about my friend drama and the person in class who had frustrated me. I would ask him to fix it all. And then - oh yeah! I forgot to apologize for yelling at my sister. So I would quickly ask for forgiveness for that. Then I would throw in an afterthought - "Thank you for loving me" or "Thank you for my family" - just so I didn't feel as guilty. And maybe I would end with telling Him how great He is and how I loved Him too.

So many demands. So little thanks.

When it came down to it, 'thank you' had lost its meaning for me (as did talking to God altogether, but that's a story for another time!).

A couple weeks ago I was challenged to think of 1000 things that I am thankful for.

When I heard that for the first time, one part of me was thinking "that's going to be so easy" and another part of me was thinking "I don't have time to write all of that down!" No part of me even considered that it actually might be an important thing to do.

Thanks still might have no meaning to you, and you might be reading these words thinking "she's just giving me another reminder to be thankful..." But I'm not going to give another reminder. Seriously just think about this. Think about every time you have ever been angry, upset, worried, bored, jealous, or impatient. In those moments did thankfulness have a home?

For me personally, my answer would be no.

When our hearts are ungrateful, our thoughts our pointless and our minds become darkened (Romans 1:20-22). God becomes angry when we don't thank him. Without thanks there is no joy. Without thanks we don't have the capacity, ability, or strength to accept God's grace.

Why?

Because joy and grace are within thanksgiving.

The story of Jesus giving thanks for a loaf of bread is what helped me understand all of this.

Luke 22:19 says that Jesus took some bread and gave thanks. The Greek translation of 'gave thanks' is eucharisteo. In a previous post I talked about the Greek word for grace, which is charis. This is also the root word of eucharisteo. To take this even further, the root of charis is chara. Chara means joy. 

So why does this matter?

At the heart of thanksgiving, there are grace and joy. Happiness is found in thanksgiving. God's gift of grace is found in thanksgiving.

Don't we all want that gift? Don't we all want to be happy?

See, there is power in thanksgiving. Not the holiday, but the action.

It changes absolutely everything.

Thanksgiving reminds us that our lives are gifts. That this world is not our own. God provides us with everything so that we can go to Him with thanks and receive the joy and grace that He wants to offer us.

I never thought that focusing on what I am thankful for would be a life-changing challenge.

When we focus on being thankful instead of giving anxiety the power to overwhelm us, peace reigns.
When we focus on being thankful instead of allowing anger to grow in our hearts, we find forgiveness. 
When we focus on being thankful instead of justifying jealousy, satisfaction resides in our souls. 

Thanksgiving brings everything to your life.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above." James 1:17

Joy.
Grace.
Peace.

Eucharisteo.


Kayla

Photo Credit: Katie Cottrell

For all Your goodness I will keep on singing, 10 000 reasons for my heart to find

My First 10 Thanks
1. Divine grace that frees me from the strive for perfection.
2. A God who loves me despite my failures.
3. A family who will never give up on me.
4. Friends who unconditionally accept me.
5. A home & country where I am safe & free to love my Saviour.
6. The opportunity & ability to pursue an education & career.
7. Never-ending provision. In every way. All of my needs are met.
8. The sound of beautifully orchestrated melodies, giggling babies, & singing robins in the spring.
9. The warmth of sunshine, the beauty of snowflakes, and the sound of rain at night.
10. Soft fuzzy blankets & earl-grey tea.
[990 more to go] :)

A Thousand Shades of Blue

Sometimes I feel so lost.

Sometimes things are really clear and I can see God in everything. And other times it's like all I can see is thousands of miles of sky and water in every direction. I feel like I'm drowning in a world of blue.

Maybe for a while God and I are sailing on this boat together, having an amazing time. He shows me the incredible works of His hands, opening my eyes in so many ways.

Then I find myself on a raft in the middle of the ocean. Alone.

Last week God did some miraculous things in my life. He sent me in a new career direction (one of the most exciting things that has ever happened to me!) and I gained the opportunity to help lead a Bible study for younger girls. My best friend and I were able to encourage each other, and I felt like I was going to explode with His love. I realized that God loves to surprise us. He loves to see our reactions to the unexpected blessings that He provides. I was truly so excited for all that He has in store for me.

I still feel that way. But at the same time there are so many things happening around me that are trying to fight that joy. Things that are retaliating against His miracles. Things that are oppose His peace.

Those things make us feel alone. They focus our eyes on the thousands of shades of blue. We become lost in the vast emptiness around us. We become fearful. Anxiety and confusion take control. We become paralyzed.

I find it incredible that God has opened my eyes to new opportunities. The problem is that I have no idea how I'm going to get to where He wants me to be. That terrifies me.

Another problem is that I really don't like change. I don't like when I have to re-evaluate my life. I don't like when people move on without me. I don't like when I don't have a say in things. I don't even like when the grapes get moved from their place on the top shelf of the fridge. I like organization. I like consistency. I like predictability.

But how selfish is that? Since when is life about me?

It's not about me at all. It's not about what I want. Compared to God, I don't know anything about life. He has a master plan detailing every moment of my existence. I can't even see past the next wave.

Life has nothing to do with being alone on a raft in the middle of the ocean. God never dumps anyone out of the boat. That's something that we imagine.

Being alone is a choice that takes place somewhere inside an anxious mind.

We forget that God is steering the ship. We are the ones who mistakenly attempt to change the direction of the sails. We forget to acknowledge His existence. When that happens, the ship begins to feel empty.

Loneliness plagues the open waters and falls from the sky.

It blinds us to the sight of our Master.

It deafens us to His comforting, miracle-working voice which commands us (and the waves) to "Be still." (Psalm 46:10, Mark 4:39)

You are never alone. 

He is the God of All Creation. He is constant in every moment. (Psalm 46:1)

The truth is that He will never abandon you (Deuteronomy 31:6, 8).

It is your choice whether to acknowledge that He is on this journey right beside you. It is your choice to accept that He is in control of the ship that you are on. It is your choice to stop trying to take control of the sails.

He knows exactly where you need to be.

He knows your secret dreams. He knows your deepest desires. He knows your potential. 

Let Him be your Captain.

He will conquer the waves with you.

Kayla 

For it became him, for whom are all things, and by whom are all things, in bringing many sons until glory, to make the Captain of their salvation perfect through suffering.
Hebrews 2:10 

Firm On His Promise I'll Stand

All I ever wanted in life was a sister.

Since the moment that I knew what a sister was, that's all I asked for. So when my mom found out that she was pregnant, I was convinced that it would be a girl. My parents tried to explain to me that I might end up with a brother, but in my two year old mind, there was no doubt it would be a girl.

How happy do you think I was when six days before my third birthday, my sister was born into our world?

I think my dad was just as ecstatic as I was, seeing as he let me out of the house wearing a purple and green tracksuit with white lacy socks and black dress shoes. I’m sure people smiled at the picture the two of us made as we walked down the hospital hallway, on a mission to meet the newest addition to our family. I can honestly say that was the best day of my life. I had great plans for that little girl. She would be my best friend, my companion, my secret keeper. She would be my whole world.

Fast forward three years, and my plan was going exactly the way I wanted it to. I had a playmate, a friend, a partner in crime. A student in my school, a client in my hair salon, a customer in my bakeries. I had someone to talk with at night, someone to sing songs with. Someone to confide in.

I never saw it coming.

I knew what autism was, I mean I had heard the word. It was all over my house. There were books lying around, and internet pages were left open. It was definitely there.

My partner in crime was seven now, and she wasn't anything like the girl who had been my hair model and cookie-taster. She had autism.

All I had ever wanted was a sister who could be my best friend.

Instead, I got a girl who hit and pushed. Who said awkward things and got lost in public places. She was extra work and couldn't be toilet trained and she tired my mom out. People felt uncomfortable around her.

Why did this have to happen to me? I needed someone to talk to. I couldn't talk to my mom because she was always tired, and my dad was always busy. I needed a best-friend-sister. Not an awkward-autism-sister.

I questioned God so much. Everything would just be so much better if you had given me a normal sister. I asked him the same thing so many times. Why?

In grade 10, my mom was diagnosed with depression. And that same year, God gave me my biggest miracle.

A second sister, and my best friend.

See, he knew what I needed all along. He blessed me with the most encouraging and uplifting young woman of God during one of the darkest times in my life. He blessed me with someone who would stand by my side through every battle and who would become part of my family.

He also showed me what a blessing my one and only biological sister is.

That girl is the light of my home. She's the voice of reason, the picture of peace, and the sunshine on a cloudy day. She is the first to laugh, the first to give a compliment, and the first to cry when someone else is in pain. She knows more about animals than anyone else I know, and she sings with more passion than an entire congregation of worshippers. She has a servant's heart, she is honest, and she is a young woman of integrity. She is the only one who understands what it's like to have a mom with depression. She's the only one who can understand how my heart broke when our dog died. She's the only one who knows how horrible my hair looks when I first wake up and still loves me anyways. She is always the first to stand up for me.

She is the best friend anyone could ask for.

The funny thing is the number of times I ask myself, what if? 

What if my sister didn't have autism?
What if my mom didn't have depression?
What if I fail my midterm?
What if I don't make it through university?
What if someone crashes into my car tomorrow?

It looks ridiculous when I type those things out.

God knew the second my sister was conceived that she would have autism. Actually, let me rephrase that. He knew before the world was formed that one day a girl would be born into the Peel family and she would have autism. He also had this amazing plan to bless me with a second sister who would would come into my world during high school and stick with me through the worst years of my life. He had a plan to make her an addition to my family. He designed us both so we would be able to make up for each other's weaknesses and encourage each other to grow closer to Him. He always has a plan.

Why do we question that plan when He's got it all covered?
Why do we worry about tomorrow when He's holding time in his hands?

The truth is that He always knows where He's taking us, but we don't always know where we're going.

That's the whole reason why we need Him.

To direct us. To protect us. To be our anchor in the reckless ocean that is our world. To love us. To be our peace. 

So no more what if's. 

He has this all under control.

Kayla

My Precious Biological Sister

My Miracle Sister 

If I climb to the sky, you're there!

   If I go underground, you're there!

If I flew on morning's wings to the far western horizon,

   You'd find me in a minute -

you're already there waiting!

...

You know me inside and out,

   you know every bone in my body;

You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,

   how I was sculpted from nothing into something

Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;

   all the stages of my life were spread out before you,

The days of my life all prepared

   before I'd even lived one day.

Psalm 139: 8-10, 13-16