Pride and Perfectionism

Whenever I make a mistake I get this horrible sickening, heart-dropping feeling somewhere right between my lungs and my stomach. 

It doesn’t matter if it’s my mom calling my name because I forgot to wipe the counter or if it's the distant flashing lights of a police car causing me to double check if I am speeding, my mind spins and my heart races when I anticipate the fact that I might have made a mistake. 

I don't handle my mistakes well, and that is probably a result of my highschool experience. I graduated highschool with an average in the high 90s, and to this day I am still convinced that is really the only reason why I was acknowledged as a person during my teenage years. I was the one who edited, explained, and met everybody's expectations. And as a result, my personal grading scale became a little warped:

100 - perfect! you should be so proud of yourself
97-99 - you did an amazing job
94-96 - really good! just a few things you did wrong
90-93 - you could have a done better, but you didn't do a bad job
87-89 - not awful
84-86 - you should have studied harder
80-83 - were you not paying attention to anything in class?
less than 79 - you failed
*disclaimer: I do not believe that 70s or 80s are bad marks for anyone to receive. In fact, I think that they are incredible marks and reflect extremely hard work. This 'marking scale' is simply what I have come to expect of myself* 

Being someone who cares a lot about my grades in school, I also attribute all of my real-world mistakes to percentages: 
Forgetting to put my bowl in the dishwasher would be about a 94% - not the end of the world but still could have done better.

Letting my emotions get the best of me would probably be around an 83% - so close, but I just couldn’t do it.
A possible speeding ticket would probably be somewhere around a 10% - those flashing lights would mean I have nearly done everything wrong.

And forgetting to hand in a paper because I was stressed about a midterm? - well, complete and utter failure. 

Failure. 

I hate that word. 

It has become such an adjective. A way of describing people. A way of describing the things that we do and the results of our actions - whether our mistakes were intentional or not. And sometimes, as hard as we try not to fail - it still happens. And then that happening ends up defining us because that moment of failure is what stands out to the world. So frustrating. 

Adjectives entirely define things. The afternoon sky is defined by it’s blue colour. Apples are defined by their crunchy sound. Drinking water is defined by its pristine clarity. Winter is defined by the cold air, and summer by its warmth. 

We should not defined by failure. 

Perfectionism has always been (and probably always will be) a battle for me. I have been told almost every day for the entirety of my life that I "don't have to be perfect" and that there is "more to me than my average in school" and that "marks don't define me" and that "it's okay to make mistakes" and when I don't do as well as I want to "God has a plan" and I "just need to breathe." And I am thankful for everyone who has ever reminded me of that. But I have to say that as much as I recognize the truth in those statements, the words have become white noise. I mean, it's pretty easy to say those things when you're not the one in the situation (when you don't have expectations and averages and $25000 scholarships hanging over your head). 

On top of all that advice, I have read so many books about grace and being a girl and how I shouldn't try so hard to be perfect (note: I highly recommend Graceful by Emily P. Freeman to every girl who has ever doubted herself). I have learned all about the freedom we have in Jesus and I have been reminded multiple times that He loves us no matter how well we do or don't do. I have been reminded that we can't reach perfection because of sin, and I have been reminded of the value we have because of His love. I 'know' all of the things that I'm supposed to. Yet for some reason that knowledge hasn't been overly useful.

- - - 

A couple weeks ago I was having a conversation with one of my friends about how much I hate making mistakes. At first she was sympathetic and encouraging like any friend would be. But then she said something so humbling: 

"Kayla, maybe it's not about you." 

My initial reaction was to defend myself ("Of course it's about me, I'm the one who makes the mistakes! And I'm the one who suffers from my mistakes!"). But after a moment her words made sense, and I realized why all of that stuff that I 'knew' hadn't made a difference. It really isn't about me. 

Pride leads us to believe that our human-ness (whatever we do or don't do) matters most. We end up focusing on our mistakes, our shortcomings, or whatever we see as failure. We focus on the percentages on marked essays, the number of times we are reprimanded, and the way we handle our emotions. Of course, our mistakes are our own and we need to take responsibility for the fact that we are human, and we are sinful. But that’s not where it ends. 

We have been chosen. We have been given the opportunity to be made free. We have been invited by our First Love to live under Grace for all of eternity. We are not under the law anymore. We are not constrained by this world and its sin. 

“Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead you live under the freedom of God's grace.” 

Romans 6:14 

We are defined by the Grace that was bought for us on the cross. We live under this Grace. This Grace allows us to breathe. To love. To live. To make mistakes. And even more than that - to learn and grow from our mistakes. It’s not the end if we fail an exam or let our emotions get the better of us or forget something important. Because Jesus died. 

For you. For me. For us. 

So that paper that you didn't do well on? It’s at the cross.

That day that everything went wrong and you took it out on your family? It’s at the cross.

That time you overslept and ended up being late? It’s at the cross. 
That speeding ticket? It's at the cross. 

Jesus took it all. We don’t have to be perfect, because He is. We simply need to sit at His feet and be willing to learn, in the presence of His Refreshing, Healing, Redeeming Love. 

We are free. 

- Kayla 

Katie Cottrell Photography

Dear Sixteen Year Old Girl

There is so much that I wish I could go back to tell you. So many lessons I have learned and so many things I have realized now that I am separate from all of the situations that used to seem so daunting.

You were never fond of listening to anyone's advice. You have always been so independent and so stubborn. I can tell you now, that is one thing that might not ever change. But dear young highschool girl, all the advice that was given to you would have been so useful to listen to. 

Those people who told you to embrace your highschool years? They knew what they were talking about. It might not seem like it now, but highschool sets the stage. The things you learn in highschool will be some of the most important lessons you ever learn. The friendships that you make will impact you forever. The choices you make will affect the way you view yourself. The way you prioritize actually matters. So be involved. Find what makes your heart happy and embrace it. Don't worry about fitting in with the right people. In the end, nobody will care who you were or were not friends with. Find your place and choose to love it. 

People are going to be watching you once they find out that you love Jesus. Don’t let that scare you. Let that motivate you. You have been given a profound opportunity to influence so many people. So share God’s love and don’t be afraid to talk about Him. Use the gifts He has given you to better His kingdom. Take your gifts outside of school and become involved in the community too. You will love it, and it will open so many doors.

Those people who said it's not smart to date in highschool? They were right. Highschool isn't the time for falling in love with a boy. You are still figuring out who you are. Highschool is a time for falling in love with Jesus. Let Him be your First Love. You will save yourself so much hurt and confusion this way. Girls' hearts are so easily broken. So focus on friendships with the girls around you. Don’t jump to the future, and don’t give your heart away so soon. Don't think about every boy you meet as a possible boyfriend. Focus on figuring out who you are instead. Find Jesus and enjoy His love. You have so many years of freedom ahead of you. Embrace them. 

Beautiful highschool girl, you don't have to be the smartest. That other girl who always gets one mark higher than you on everything? You don't need to compare yourself to her. Other people's opinions don't matter. In five years nobody will even remember your mark on that Grade 11 Chemistry assignment. And don't worry about whether or not your marks are good enough for university. God already knows where you will end up going. So stop stressing. Let go of your anxiety. All God asks is that you do your best. You don't need to strive anymore. 

I wish I could go back in time to tell you to value your relationships with your parents. You don’t think that they understand you, but they do. You doubt their love for you, but you shouldn't. I know that you think your mom is annoying, but she’s really not. When she tells you to change what you’re wearing it’s because she knows exactly how you can look most beautiful. And I know that you think your dad is overprotective, but I’ll tell you a secret. Dads are always right. They have wisdom that nobody can explain. Seriously, they just know things. Your parents have your best interest in mind. They really do know a lot. Sometimes they just forget what it was like to be your age. So cut them some slack. Talk to them. Fight less. Argue less. Listen more. Take a deep breath when they frustrate you, and remember that God asks you to honour your parents. They aren't perfect, but they will always love you. 

Your siblings are important too. Your sister will be your best friend one day. She will look up to you and admire you more than anyone else. She loves you even when she yells at you. Your brother loves you too. He is always looking out for you and wants the best for you. He has insight and sees things you don’t see. So invest in those relationships. Be patient with your sister. Talk to her. Love her and love your brother. Listen to them. They matter.

When things aren’t easy - when there is so much pain in your family, when you feel like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster, when nothing seems to be going right, when you feel alone, when you feel worthless, when a boy hurts you or a friend leaves you - remember that Jesus is with you. He will not leave. He always stays. So lean on Him. Go after Him with everything that you are. Every time that you see a sunset or a flower, every time a friend encourages you or something does go your way, it’s not a coincidence. Jesus is pursuing you. He wants you to fully trust Him. Only then will He give you your heart’s desires.

Young girl, don't live for the future. You might think it will be easier, but it really won't be. Every stage of your life is going to come with its own set of trials. God always has things to teach us, but He always has blessings to give us as well. So find those blessings. Find the good in the place where you are. Even more than that, find ways to give hope to those around you. Be the good in the place where you are. 

Dear sixteen year old self, you are so beautiful. Highschool tends to destroy self esteem. But I want you to know that you were created in the most perfect image. God loves when you are bubbly and excited, and He also loves when your gentle spirit shines through. You don't need to fit in to be beautiful. You don't need to always be surrounded by your friends to be confident. God has given you confidence. He has given you the most radiant beauty.

So smile more often. Let your eyes sparkle. Curl your hair if you want to. Wear sweatpants to school if you want to. Leave your hair in a messy bun if you wake up late. Just be confident. 

Dear girl, have a teachable spirit. Open your ears to wisdom. Be thankful often. Forgive always. Practice patience. Love yourself. Love people. Guard your heart. And most of all, love Jesus. 

Trust that your life is going to be wonderful. And let yourself shine.

I promise that one day everything you have been told will make sense.

- Kayla & Jessica 

[co-authored by Jessica Bellemore www.inomnia-paratus.blogspot.ca]

If You Long For Love

Sometimes I have wondered what it would be like to have someone love me like in the movies. You know that pursuing, unconditional, spontaneous, lasting kind of love? It probably sounds cheesy, but I think every girl longs for that somewhere deep inside them. It's just part of who we are.

So often, we are willing to do anything for love. Whether that means moving somewhere to widen our horizons, putting aside our integrity, rushing through life, deceiving our families, and even deceiving ourselves. We design ideal scenarios in our heads, we daydream of perfect fantasies, we wish that our lives were fairytales.

The longing is so inherent. So persistent. So consuming.

I used to think I deserved to be loved. As if I had an entitlement to it. I longed to feel cherished and protected, and I convinced myself I was worthless when I didn't feel that way. I based my worth on my feelings. On the way other people viewed me. On imperfect reasoning and flawed judgement.

Why does it even matter what other people think? Their opinions don't define love.

Love is not a reward for meeting a standard.

Yesterday I had a conversation with one of my friends who had come to church with me for the first time. She was talking to me and another one of our friends about how she's really thankful for our friendships. I forget her exact words, but they were something along the lines of "I'm thankful that I have friends who love me. I mean it's not like we would ever die for each other or anything, but I'm still thankful."

"It's not like we would ever die for each other." 

In all the movies you have ever watched, all those feel-good comedies and happy-ending dramas, think of all the times that someone has sacrificed their life for someone. Or even just sacrificed something.

Jack lets Rose have the raft so she won't freeze.
Peter Parker risks his life to save Mary Jane.
Rapunzel gives up her freedom so Flynn can be healed.
Then Flynn gives up his life so Rapunzel can be free.
Noah sacrifices his time so he can read to Allie.
Captain von Trapp gives up everything so his family can be safe.
Tim gives up his dad so he can be with his wife and children.
Olaf is willing to melt for Anna.
Anna dies so Elsa can live.

Sacrifice is everywhere.

And this isn't an original Hollywood idea. It's definitely not from such a self-centred world where everything is about self-improvement and personal wealth and materialistic happiness. Tiffany rings and dinners at Baton Rouge. Crimson roses and heart-shaped chocolates.

Does this world even know what love is?

"It's not like we would ever die for each other." 

It's so fitting that my friend chose those words. As if somewhere deep inside, her heart was longing for that exact thing.

To die for someone. To sacrifice yourself. Now this is love. 

How heartbreaking is it that so many of us don't know what love really means? That we don't know how to satisfy the love that we long for? We try to fill the gaps with sweet words and emotional highs. Even with families and children and the busyness of work. We think that accomplishments will fill our need for love. We want to have a purpose. We want to know we're important to the world.

This is real love - not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins. 1 John 4:10 

This is the absolute greatest love story ever told. This is the love story that we all long for. That we were designed for.

We want someone to love us this way. To give up everything. To go to the ends of the earth for us. To love us no matter how imperfect we are. To go through agony and pain just so that we don't have to. To give us a reason to live. To die for us.

Usually we celebrate love on Valentine's Day. But there is so much love wrapped up in Easter and Christmas, and every other day for that matter.

Someone loved you with so much powerful love that He died for you. He took the weight of the world upon Himself so that you wouldn't have to (John 19:17). He paid the price in full (John 19:30). He didn't have to do it. We are completely imperfect and completely saturated with sin. We don't deserve to be loved and we have no entitlement to it. But He chose to die for us. He wanted to.

This is why love is not a reward for measuring up.

This is why we have purpose.

The reality of love says that you are worth dying for - no matter what you have done or what you will do. The reality of love is the reason you are alive right now. You are deeply treasured and gently cherished.

This where our passions should grow from. Not from fairytale day dreams, but from real love. He is love. And He is so much greater than anything else.

You are being pursued by the one and only God who gave up everything and died for you.

And as for your wish for a perfect love story?

It has already come true.


-Kayla 

Katie Cottrell Photography

Agape: selfless, sacrificial, unconditional love that only comes from God. 

Firm On His Promise I'll Stand

All I ever wanted in life was a sister.

Since the moment that I knew what a sister was, that's all I asked for. So when my mom found out that she was pregnant, I was convinced that it would be a girl. My parents tried to explain to me that I might end up with a brother, but in my two year old mind, there was no doubt it would be a girl.

How happy do you think I was when six days before my third birthday, my sister was born into our world?

I think my dad was just as ecstatic as I was, seeing as he let me out of the house wearing a purple and green tracksuit with white lacy socks and black dress shoes. I’m sure people smiled at the picture the two of us made as we walked down the hospital hallway, on a mission to meet the newest addition to our family. I can honestly say that was the best day of my life. I had great plans for that little girl. She would be my best friend, my companion, my secret keeper. She would be my whole world.

Fast forward three years, and my plan was going exactly the way I wanted it to. I had a playmate, a friend, a partner in crime. A student in my school, a client in my hair salon, a customer in my bakeries. I had someone to talk with at night, someone to sing songs with. Someone to confide in.

I never saw it coming.

I knew what autism was, I mean I had heard the word. It was all over my house. There were books lying around, and internet pages were left open. It was definitely there.

My partner in crime was seven now, and she wasn't anything like the girl who had been my hair model and cookie-taster. She had autism.

All I had ever wanted was a sister who could be my best friend.

Instead, I got a girl who hit and pushed. Who said awkward things and got lost in public places. She was extra work and couldn't be toilet trained and she tired my mom out. People felt uncomfortable around her.

Why did this have to happen to me? I needed someone to talk to. I couldn't talk to my mom because she was always tired, and my dad was always busy. I needed a best-friend-sister. Not an awkward-autism-sister.

I questioned God so much. Everything would just be so much better if you had given me a normal sister. I asked him the same thing so many times. Why?

In grade 10, my mom was diagnosed with depression. And that same year, God gave me my biggest miracle.

A second sister, and my best friend.

See, he knew what I needed all along. He blessed me with the most encouraging and uplifting young woman of God during one of the darkest times in my life. He blessed me with someone who would stand by my side through every battle and who would become part of my family.

He also showed me what a blessing my one and only biological sister is.

That girl is the light of my home. She's the voice of reason, the picture of peace, and the sunshine on a cloudy day. She is the first to laugh, the first to give a compliment, and the first to cry when someone else is in pain. She knows more about animals than anyone else I know, and she sings with more passion than an entire congregation of worshippers. She has a servant's heart, she is honest, and she is a young woman of integrity. She is the only one who understands what it's like to have a mom with depression. She's the only one who can understand how my heart broke when our dog died. She's the only one who knows how horrible my hair looks when I first wake up and still loves me anyways. She is always the first to stand up for me.

She is the best friend anyone could ask for.

The funny thing is the number of times I ask myself, what if? 

What if my sister didn't have autism?
What if my mom didn't have depression?
What if I fail my midterm?
What if I don't make it through university?
What if someone crashes into my car tomorrow?

It looks ridiculous when I type those things out.

God knew the second my sister was conceived that she would have autism. Actually, let me rephrase that. He knew before the world was formed that one day a girl would be born into the Peel family and she would have autism. He also had this amazing plan to bless me with a second sister who would would come into my world during high school and stick with me through the worst years of my life. He had a plan to make her an addition to my family. He designed us both so we would be able to make up for each other's weaknesses and encourage each other to grow closer to Him. He always has a plan.

Why do we question that plan when He's got it all covered?
Why do we worry about tomorrow when He's holding time in his hands?

The truth is that He always knows where He's taking us, but we don't always know where we're going.

That's the whole reason why we need Him.

To direct us. To protect us. To be our anchor in the reckless ocean that is our world. To love us. To be our peace. 

So no more what if's. 

He has this all under control.

Kayla

My Precious Biological Sister

My Miracle Sister 

If I climb to the sky, you're there!

   If I go underground, you're there!

If I flew on morning's wings to the far western horizon,

   You'd find me in a minute -

you're already there waiting!

...

You know me inside and out,

   you know every bone in my body;

You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,

   how I was sculpted from nothing into something

Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;

   all the stages of my life were spread out before you,

The days of my life all prepared

   before I'd even lived one day.

Psalm 139: 8-10, 13-16