Pride and Perfectionism

Whenever I make a mistake I get this horrible sickening, heart-dropping feeling somewhere right between my lungs and my stomach. 

It doesn’t matter if it’s my mom calling my name because I forgot to wipe the counter or if it's the distant flashing lights of a police car causing me to double check if I am speeding, my mind spins and my heart races when I anticipate the fact that I might have made a mistake. 

I don't handle my mistakes well, and that is probably a result of my highschool experience. I graduated highschool with an average in the high 90s, and to this day I am still convinced that is really the only reason why I was acknowledged as a person during my teenage years. I was the one who edited, explained, and met everybody's expectations. And as a result, my personal grading scale became a little warped:

100 - perfect! you should be so proud of yourself
97-99 - you did an amazing job
94-96 - really good! just a few things you did wrong
90-93 - you could have a done better, but you didn't do a bad job
87-89 - not awful
84-86 - you should have studied harder
80-83 - were you not paying attention to anything in class?
less than 79 - you failed
*disclaimer: I do not believe that 70s or 80s are bad marks for anyone to receive. In fact, I think that they are incredible marks and reflect extremely hard work. This 'marking scale' is simply what I have come to expect of myself* 

Being someone who cares a lot about my grades in school, I also attribute all of my real-world mistakes to percentages: 
Forgetting to put my bowl in the dishwasher would be about a 94% - not the end of the world but still could have done better.

Letting my emotions get the best of me would probably be around an 83% - so close, but I just couldn’t do it.
A possible speeding ticket would probably be somewhere around a 10% - those flashing lights would mean I have nearly done everything wrong.

And forgetting to hand in a paper because I was stressed about a midterm? - well, complete and utter failure. 

Failure. 

I hate that word. 

It has become such an adjective. A way of describing people. A way of describing the things that we do and the results of our actions - whether our mistakes were intentional or not. And sometimes, as hard as we try not to fail - it still happens. And then that happening ends up defining us because that moment of failure is what stands out to the world. So frustrating. 

Adjectives entirely define things. The afternoon sky is defined by it’s blue colour. Apples are defined by their crunchy sound. Drinking water is defined by its pristine clarity. Winter is defined by the cold air, and summer by its warmth. 

We should not defined by failure. 

Perfectionism has always been (and probably always will be) a battle for me. I have been told almost every day for the entirety of my life that I "don't have to be perfect" and that there is "more to me than my average in school" and that "marks don't define me" and that "it's okay to make mistakes" and when I don't do as well as I want to "God has a plan" and I "just need to breathe." And I am thankful for everyone who has ever reminded me of that. But I have to say that as much as I recognize the truth in those statements, the words have become white noise. I mean, it's pretty easy to say those things when you're not the one in the situation (when you don't have expectations and averages and $25000 scholarships hanging over your head). 

On top of all that advice, I have read so many books about grace and being a girl and how I shouldn't try so hard to be perfect (note: I highly recommend Graceful by Emily P. Freeman to every girl who has ever doubted herself). I have learned all about the freedom we have in Jesus and I have been reminded multiple times that He loves us no matter how well we do or don't do. I have been reminded that we can't reach perfection because of sin, and I have been reminded of the value we have because of His love. I 'know' all of the things that I'm supposed to. Yet for some reason that knowledge hasn't been overly useful.

- - - 

A couple weeks ago I was having a conversation with one of my friends about how much I hate making mistakes. At first she was sympathetic and encouraging like any friend would be. But then she said something so humbling: 

"Kayla, maybe it's not about you." 

My initial reaction was to defend myself ("Of course it's about me, I'm the one who makes the mistakes! And I'm the one who suffers from my mistakes!"). But after a moment her words made sense, and I realized why all of that stuff that I 'knew' hadn't made a difference. It really isn't about me. 

Pride leads us to believe that our human-ness (whatever we do or don't do) matters most. We end up focusing on our mistakes, our shortcomings, or whatever we see as failure. We focus on the percentages on marked essays, the number of times we are reprimanded, and the way we handle our emotions. Of course, our mistakes are our own and we need to take responsibility for the fact that we are human, and we are sinful. But that’s not where it ends. 

We have been chosen. We have been given the opportunity to be made free. We have been invited by our First Love to live under Grace for all of eternity. We are not under the law anymore. We are not constrained by this world and its sin. 

“Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead you live under the freedom of God's grace.” 

Romans 6:14 

We are defined by the Grace that was bought for us on the cross. We live under this Grace. This Grace allows us to breathe. To love. To live. To make mistakes. And even more than that - to learn and grow from our mistakes. It’s not the end if we fail an exam or let our emotions get the better of us or forget something important. Because Jesus died. 

For you. For me. For us. 

So that paper that you didn't do well on? It’s at the cross.

That day that everything went wrong and you took it out on your family? It’s at the cross.

That time you overslept and ended up being late? It’s at the cross. 
That speeding ticket? It's at the cross. 

Jesus took it all. We don’t have to be perfect, because He is. We simply need to sit at His feet and be willing to learn, in the presence of His Refreshing, Healing, Redeeming Love. 

We are free. 

- Kayla 

Katie Cottrell Photography

Dear Sixteen Year Old Girl

There is so much that I wish I could go back to tell you. So many lessons I have learned and so many things I have realized now that I am separate from all of the situations that used to seem so daunting.

You were never fond of listening to anyone's advice. You have always been so independent and so stubborn. I can tell you now, that is one thing that might not ever change. But dear young highschool girl, all the advice that was given to you would have been so useful to listen to. 

Those people who told you to embrace your highschool years? They knew what they were talking about. It might not seem like it now, but highschool sets the stage. The things you learn in highschool will be some of the most important lessons you ever learn. The friendships that you make will impact you forever. The choices you make will affect the way you view yourself. The way you prioritize actually matters. So be involved. Find what makes your heart happy and embrace it. Don't worry about fitting in with the right people. In the end, nobody will care who you were or were not friends with. Find your place and choose to love it. 

People are going to be watching you once they find out that you love Jesus. Don’t let that scare you. Let that motivate you. You have been given a profound opportunity to influence so many people. So share God’s love and don’t be afraid to talk about Him. Use the gifts He has given you to better His kingdom. Take your gifts outside of school and become involved in the community too. You will love it, and it will open so many doors.

Those people who said it's not smart to date in highschool? They were right. Highschool isn't the time for falling in love with a boy. You are still figuring out who you are. Highschool is a time for falling in love with Jesus. Let Him be your First Love. You will save yourself so much hurt and confusion this way. Girls' hearts are so easily broken. So focus on friendships with the girls around you. Don’t jump to the future, and don’t give your heart away so soon. Don't think about every boy you meet as a possible boyfriend. Focus on figuring out who you are instead. Find Jesus and enjoy His love. You have so many years of freedom ahead of you. Embrace them. 

Beautiful highschool girl, you don't have to be the smartest. That other girl who always gets one mark higher than you on everything? You don't need to compare yourself to her. Other people's opinions don't matter. In five years nobody will even remember your mark on that Grade 11 Chemistry assignment. And don't worry about whether or not your marks are good enough for university. God already knows where you will end up going. So stop stressing. Let go of your anxiety. All God asks is that you do your best. You don't need to strive anymore. 

I wish I could go back in time to tell you to value your relationships with your parents. You don’t think that they understand you, but they do. You doubt their love for you, but you shouldn't. I know that you think your mom is annoying, but she’s really not. When she tells you to change what you’re wearing it’s because she knows exactly how you can look most beautiful. And I know that you think your dad is overprotective, but I’ll tell you a secret. Dads are always right. They have wisdom that nobody can explain. Seriously, they just know things. Your parents have your best interest in mind. They really do know a lot. Sometimes they just forget what it was like to be your age. So cut them some slack. Talk to them. Fight less. Argue less. Listen more. Take a deep breath when they frustrate you, and remember that God asks you to honour your parents. They aren't perfect, but they will always love you. 

Your siblings are important too. Your sister will be your best friend one day. She will look up to you and admire you more than anyone else. She loves you even when she yells at you. Your brother loves you too. He is always looking out for you and wants the best for you. He has insight and sees things you don’t see. So invest in those relationships. Be patient with your sister. Talk to her. Love her and love your brother. Listen to them. They matter.

When things aren’t easy - when there is so much pain in your family, when you feel like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster, when nothing seems to be going right, when you feel alone, when you feel worthless, when a boy hurts you or a friend leaves you - remember that Jesus is with you. He will not leave. He always stays. So lean on Him. Go after Him with everything that you are. Every time that you see a sunset or a flower, every time a friend encourages you or something does go your way, it’s not a coincidence. Jesus is pursuing you. He wants you to fully trust Him. Only then will He give you your heart’s desires.

Young girl, don't live for the future. You might think it will be easier, but it really won't be. Every stage of your life is going to come with its own set of trials. God always has things to teach us, but He always has blessings to give us as well. So find those blessings. Find the good in the place where you are. Even more than that, find ways to give hope to those around you. Be the good in the place where you are. 

Dear sixteen year old self, you are so beautiful. Highschool tends to destroy self esteem. But I want you to know that you were created in the most perfect image. God loves when you are bubbly and excited, and He also loves when your gentle spirit shines through. You don't need to fit in to be beautiful. You don't need to always be surrounded by your friends to be confident. God has given you confidence. He has given you the most radiant beauty.

So smile more often. Let your eyes sparkle. Curl your hair if you want to. Wear sweatpants to school if you want to. Leave your hair in a messy bun if you wake up late. Just be confident. 

Dear girl, have a teachable spirit. Open your ears to wisdom. Be thankful often. Forgive always. Practice patience. Love yourself. Love people. Guard your heart. And most of all, love Jesus. 

Trust that your life is going to be wonderful. And let yourself shine.

I promise that one day everything you have been told will make sense.

- Kayla & Jessica 

[co-authored by Jessica Bellemore www.inomnia-paratus.blogspot.ca]