Confessions Of My Wandering Heart

I've written so much this year about being in a long distance relationship, but I think that's because this relationship has revealed to me so many of my own imperfections.

I am not good at communicating out loud. I freeze, words don't flow, my thoughts start racing and I can't figure out what sentence to say first.

I can be overly sensitive and emotional. When things are going my way it's easy to smile. But when my plans get changed being happy gets a lot harder.

I am tragically selfish. Some people call my generation the entitled generation, and as much as I try to deny it, there is a lot of truth in that claim for me. I think I deserve so much. I often tell myself that I deserve Ryan's attention. And if he ever changes plans or picks anything over me, I want to make him feel bad about it. I want him to realize that it bothers me, remorsefully apologize, and change the situation (aka: pick me instead).

I like to assign blame when things go wrong. That's probably rooted in my strong sense of justice. When there are reasons for things - when people are held responsible - life becomes easier to handle.

I like to have control. I hold onto life with a white-knuckle kind of grasp. I like to do things my own way because there are things I believe I'm best at. The truth is, I don't enjoy blaming people. I would rather be the one responsible for things going wrong, because then I know how to put the delicate pieces back together.

This is one of the hardest realities that has hit me this year.

I am entirely, completely imperfect.

Sin is my tragic flaw. 

[Tragic Flaw: A trait that will lead to downfall] 

The most memorable tragic flaw to me was King Lear's love of appearances. He was always interested in the showy kinds of love - the big declarations and flowery words. His attraction to appearances resulted in his blindess to sincerity, and this blindess led to his death. 

As hard as I may try to weave my way through the words of my own story, the reality is that my sin will lead to my death.

So who am I to think I deserve anything?

First of all, my life is not about me. Yes, I play a part. I do my best to take care of myself and make the right choices. But I am not in any way the most important part of my life. Secondly, God created me to glorify Him. I am not meant to radiate a product of my own goodness, I am meant to radiate a product of God's character (His love). In what way does my sense of entitlement or selfishness radiate His love?

My life is not about me. What a realization.

I read last week about a young wife's realizations from her new marriage and there is one thing that I think she explained so well. Relationships are really not about compromise. 

I was always taught that compromising was the best option (like when you're in grade four and you have a friend over and you can't decide what to play, or when you're fourteen and you and your parents are trying to come up with a reasonable curfew). But this writer proposed the idea that compromise doesn't work in romantic relationships because then neither person walks away satisfied.

Instead, relationships are about giving. When one person gives, then the other can be entirely satisfied - experiencing the utmost happiness.

Thankfully Ryan is a man after God's own heart. Despite my unfortunate failures, he generously extends grace. He freely gives. He practices patience beyond the circumstances. He unconditionally lavishes love. He stretches himself thin, yet still finds more to sacrifice. Always more.

Isn't that what Christ did for us?

He gave it all, so that we could overcome our tragic failures. Without this Overcoming, we would have no way to experience joy in full.

He made it all about us and our freedom. Now it's our turn to make it all about Him.


- Kayla


Read about an Always More kind of love

Cornflower Blue (For Everyone Who Fears The Unknown)

When people ask me why I worry about things, I often say it's because I hate change. Or because I don't like the idea of the unknown.

I really like when things are black or white. I like clear boundaries and expectations. I like preparation and familiarity.

Every so often I long for a sprinkle of change and surprise and adventure. Sometimes it definitely is good to switch things up. Like reorganizing a room or trying out a new recipe. And there definitely is a thrill in going on a spontaneous road trip to enjoy some new scenery, or going on an expedition to an unknown place.

It's the change that we have no control over that's the problem. When we're forced to tip-toe into the unfamiliar territory. Or plunge head-first in some cases.

It's the grey areas.

They are so many problems with grey. It's the colour of stifling smoke. Soggy slush. Filmy fog. Murky mud. It's so unclear. Suffocating.  Depressing. Blinding. Dirty.

Terrifying.

At least when everything is black, your eyes can rest and you know where you're supposed to be. All you have to do is stand in one place.

In the grey areas you can't see your feet touching the ground. You are constantly searching for the light. For a moment of clarity. For reassurance that your feet are secure. You don't rest. You walk in circles and zig-zag lines. Desperate. Trying to find an unknown destination.

That is the problem with grey. It's a colour of frenzied confusion and miserable discomfort.

--

So what do you need to remember when you find yourself in the midst of the fog?

1. Navigating is not our job. 
Nobody ever said that we have to figure out a cure for the grey areas of life. Just like we have no control over the morning fog, we have no control over the every-day unknowns.

Job 37:6 says that God knows the 'balancing of the clouds.'

It is not our place to navigate through the world. He has control. His job is to understand the fog and make things clear to our human eyes in His perfect timing.


2. There is no such thing as 'the unknown.'
The unknowns of life are only unknown to us. Our stories have already been written, and our job is to have faith in the One who knows us best.

Job 28:24 says that 'He sees everything under the heavens.'

We serve the most incredible God who is Ever-Present and All-Knowing.

His plans for us are incomprehensible (Ephesians 3:20).


3. Just because you can't see the end does not mean you are alone.
Even better than the fact that He knows everything about us (Psalm 139), He has given us the option of spending every moment with Him.

When we are unsure about where to go next, when we can't see where our feet are standing or the path in front of us, we simply need to look beside us and grab onto The Hands that shaped the world in the first place.

He goes before us, and He stands beside us (Deuteronomy 31:8).

--

The grey areas are a time to practice trusting. No matter what the situation. Whether it's your future that seems grey or even the next minute of your life.

These areas aren't really grey at all. They aren't ugly or suffocating or depressing.

Growth happens in the grey. Hope shines in the grey. Trust builds in the grey.

Sky blue. Bleu de France. Tiffany box blue. Blueberry blue. Ocean blue. Periwinkle. 

We are in between the faint Baby Blue of our beginning and the rich Royal Blue that will be our entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven.

We are in the Cornflower Blue.

And it is a beautiful place to be.


Kayla

Stephen Buchan

I know who goes before me, I know who stands behind

The God of angel armies is always by my side 

A Thousand Shades of Blue

Sometimes I feel so lost.

Sometimes things are really clear and I can see God in everything. And other times it's like all I can see is thousands of miles of sky and water in every direction. I feel like I'm drowning in a world of blue.

Maybe for a while God and I are sailing on this boat together, having an amazing time. He shows me the incredible works of His hands, opening my eyes in so many ways.

Then I find myself on a raft in the middle of the ocean. Alone.

Last week God did some miraculous things in my life. He sent me in a new career direction (one of the most exciting things that has ever happened to me!) and I gained the opportunity to help lead a Bible study for younger girls. My best friend and I were able to encourage each other, and I felt like I was going to explode with His love. I realized that God loves to surprise us. He loves to see our reactions to the unexpected blessings that He provides. I was truly so excited for all that He has in store for me.

I still feel that way. But at the same time there are so many things happening around me that are trying to fight that joy. Things that are retaliating against His miracles. Things that are oppose His peace.

Those things make us feel alone. They focus our eyes on the thousands of shades of blue. We become lost in the vast emptiness around us. We become fearful. Anxiety and confusion take control. We become paralyzed.

I find it incredible that God has opened my eyes to new opportunities. The problem is that I have no idea how I'm going to get to where He wants me to be. That terrifies me.

Another problem is that I really don't like change. I don't like when I have to re-evaluate my life. I don't like when people move on without me. I don't like when I don't have a say in things. I don't even like when the grapes get moved from their place on the top shelf of the fridge. I like organization. I like consistency. I like predictability.

But how selfish is that? Since when is life about me?

It's not about me at all. It's not about what I want. Compared to God, I don't know anything about life. He has a master plan detailing every moment of my existence. I can't even see past the next wave.

Life has nothing to do with being alone on a raft in the middle of the ocean. God never dumps anyone out of the boat. That's something that we imagine.

Being alone is a choice that takes place somewhere inside an anxious mind.

We forget that God is steering the ship. We are the ones who mistakenly attempt to change the direction of the sails. We forget to acknowledge His existence. When that happens, the ship begins to feel empty.

Loneliness plagues the open waters and falls from the sky.

It blinds us to the sight of our Master.

It deafens us to His comforting, miracle-working voice which commands us (and the waves) to "Be still." (Psalm 46:10, Mark 4:39)

You are never alone. 

He is the God of All Creation. He is constant in every moment. (Psalm 46:1)

The truth is that He will never abandon you (Deuteronomy 31:6, 8).

It is your choice whether to acknowledge that He is on this journey right beside you. It is your choice to accept that He is in control of the ship that you are on. It is your choice to stop trying to take control of the sails.

He knows exactly where you need to be.

He knows your secret dreams. He knows your deepest desires. He knows your potential. 

Let Him be your Captain.

He will conquer the waves with you.

Kayla 

For it became him, for whom are all things, and by whom are all things, in bringing many sons until glory, to make the Captain of their salvation perfect through suffering.
Hebrews 2:10 

Firm On His Promise I'll Stand

All I ever wanted in life was a sister.

Since the moment that I knew what a sister was, that's all I asked for. So when my mom found out that she was pregnant, I was convinced that it would be a girl. My parents tried to explain to me that I might end up with a brother, but in my two year old mind, there was no doubt it would be a girl.

How happy do you think I was when six days before my third birthday, my sister was born into our world?

I think my dad was just as ecstatic as I was, seeing as he let me out of the house wearing a purple and green tracksuit with white lacy socks and black dress shoes. I’m sure people smiled at the picture the two of us made as we walked down the hospital hallway, on a mission to meet the newest addition to our family. I can honestly say that was the best day of my life. I had great plans for that little girl. She would be my best friend, my companion, my secret keeper. She would be my whole world.

Fast forward three years, and my plan was going exactly the way I wanted it to. I had a playmate, a friend, a partner in crime. A student in my school, a client in my hair salon, a customer in my bakeries. I had someone to talk with at night, someone to sing songs with. Someone to confide in.

I never saw it coming.

I knew what autism was, I mean I had heard the word. It was all over my house. There were books lying around, and internet pages were left open. It was definitely there.

My partner in crime was seven now, and she wasn't anything like the girl who had been my hair model and cookie-taster. She had autism.

All I had ever wanted was a sister who could be my best friend.

Instead, I got a girl who hit and pushed. Who said awkward things and got lost in public places. She was extra work and couldn't be toilet trained and she tired my mom out. People felt uncomfortable around her.

Why did this have to happen to me? I needed someone to talk to. I couldn't talk to my mom because she was always tired, and my dad was always busy. I needed a best-friend-sister. Not an awkward-autism-sister.

I questioned God so much. Everything would just be so much better if you had given me a normal sister. I asked him the same thing so many times. Why?

In grade 10, my mom was diagnosed with depression. And that same year, God gave me my biggest miracle.

A second sister, and my best friend.

See, he knew what I needed all along. He blessed me with the most encouraging and uplifting young woman of God during one of the darkest times in my life. He blessed me with someone who would stand by my side through every battle and who would become part of my family.

He also showed me what a blessing my one and only biological sister is.

That girl is the light of my home. She's the voice of reason, the picture of peace, and the sunshine on a cloudy day. She is the first to laugh, the first to give a compliment, and the first to cry when someone else is in pain. She knows more about animals than anyone else I know, and she sings with more passion than an entire congregation of worshippers. She has a servant's heart, she is honest, and she is a young woman of integrity. She is the only one who understands what it's like to have a mom with depression. She's the only one who can understand how my heart broke when our dog died. She's the only one who knows how horrible my hair looks when I first wake up and still loves me anyways. She is always the first to stand up for me.

She is the best friend anyone could ask for.

The funny thing is the number of times I ask myself, what if? 

What if my sister didn't have autism?
What if my mom didn't have depression?
What if I fail my midterm?
What if I don't make it through university?
What if someone crashes into my car tomorrow?

It looks ridiculous when I type those things out.

God knew the second my sister was conceived that she would have autism. Actually, let me rephrase that. He knew before the world was formed that one day a girl would be born into the Peel family and she would have autism. He also had this amazing plan to bless me with a second sister who would would come into my world during high school and stick with me through the worst years of my life. He had a plan to make her an addition to my family. He designed us both so we would be able to make up for each other's weaknesses and encourage each other to grow closer to Him. He always has a plan.

Why do we question that plan when He's got it all covered?
Why do we worry about tomorrow when He's holding time in his hands?

The truth is that He always knows where He's taking us, but we don't always know where we're going.

That's the whole reason why we need Him.

To direct us. To protect us. To be our anchor in the reckless ocean that is our world. To love us. To be our peace. 

So no more what if's. 

He has this all under control.

Kayla

My Precious Biological Sister

My Miracle Sister 

If I climb to the sky, you're there!

   If I go underground, you're there!

If I flew on morning's wings to the far western horizon,

   You'd find me in a minute -

you're already there waiting!

...

You know me inside and out,

   you know every bone in my body;

You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,

   how I was sculpted from nothing into something

Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;

   all the stages of my life were spread out before you,

The days of my life all prepared

   before I'd even lived one day.

Psalm 139: 8-10, 13-16