Infinitely More

I never used to think of myself as somebody who fears change.

I mean, I've always known that my sister doesn't like change. Even the smallest changes, like taking a different road to church or not being able to go to horseback riding on a Thursday night because of the rain. She always needs routine, consistency, warnings, explanations. Change has always been her struggle, not mine.

If there's anything I have realized lately, though, it's that change is one of my struggles too.

I definitely don't need such exact routines as my sister. My days and weeks aren't always the same, and last minute plans are sometimes fun. But big changes are still hard.

So hard.

My sister likes consistency because when things are always the same she can prepare herself. She knows that she was to get up at exactly 7:30 if she is going to make it to her bus, and she knows that right when she gets home from school she can make her chocolate-strawberry smoothie as a snack. On Mondays she goes to Courtney's house, and once a month she can go out for dinner with my grandparents. Each day and week is organized and there aren't any surprises.

When I think about the big picture of my life, that's kind of what it looks like for me too. I have plans for myself. Good plans. Plans that make sense to me. Plans that prepare me and help me know what steps to take. I have lists and deadlines and schedules.

The thing is, when we follow God's leading change is inevitable. Whether we like it or not, things are always going to be changing. God wants our lives to move forward so that He can fulfill His purpose in each of us.

But what is His purpose for us? Why does He have to turn our worlds upside down?

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He wants us to be happy
I didn't fully realize until a couple days ago that God really does know us inside and out. He seriously knows us better than we know ourselves. We could have the most perfectly designed dreams, but He still has something planned that He knows we will like better. I don't even know how that's possible because I always seem to think I have it all figured out. Still, every time, God seems to say: "Sorry, my plan will bring you so much more happiness."

Whoever trusts the Lord will be happy.
Proverbs 16:20

If we are going to get anywhere in life, we need to realize that we don't know ourselves as well as we think we do. The One who created us knows what will bring us the most joy.

He wants to strengthen us
I think another reason why change is so hard is because it carries with it an entire collection of unknowns. When God brings something along that isn't the same as what we had previously planned, it's hard for us to imagine what the outcome will be. We don't know what steps to take or where we will end up. That's why change is inevitable with God. He turns our worlds upside down so that we will realize we are powerless and be forced to trust Him instead of ourselves.

For when I am weak, then I am strong
2 Corinthians 12:10

If life was completely consistent, and if we directed our own steps, faith wouldn't exist.

He wants to align our priorities
Sometimes we become consumed with routines and accomplishments. To-do lists and schedules become complete idols. We have our perfect plans and we like them. It's comforting to have things all in order. But sometimes we need change to remind us what's really important. For me, maybe God continually turns my world upside down to remind me that hiding in my room and studying for hours on end isn't furthering His kingdom. For some people, maybe God wants to take away old jobs and provide new jobs that will help their gifts shine more brightly, or maybe He wants to move some people away from home so that they can learn the importance of new friendships. There are so many opportunities than come with change.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will. 
Romans 12:2

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I think when it comes down to it we all have a love-hate relationship with change. We have small longings to take risks and see what happens. We want to be closer to God, and we try to move in that direction, but fear always gets in the way.

Peter was a disciple who longed to have those faith-stretching moments with Jesus. He asked Jesus to call him onto the water, but when he finally stepped out "he became afraid and began to sink" (Matthew 14:30). Peter cried out to Jesus, and Jesus reached out for Peter right away. Of course He would never let Peter drown! He then questioned Peter's doubt and calmly erased the wind and the waves. Peter had become so overwhelmed with the unfamiliarity of the situation around him that he forgot Jesus was right there.

We need to realize that God isn't going to lead us in the wrong directions. It actually seems ridiculous to think that we know more about the world and our lives than He does.

We don't have the ability to fathom what He has planned for us. Even the greatest creations of our imaginations can't compare to the everlasting vastness of God and His perfect plans.

So when we love God more than anything else (including our own ideas and to-do lists), we don't have to be afraid of surprises and changes. God moves mountains and works miracles when we step out of our comfort zones.

And His greatest blessings will come when we least expect them.


-Kayla 

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty work at power within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. 

Ephesians 3:20-21 

What Every University Student Needs To Know

In 9 days I will be finished my first year of university, and I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around that. It seems like 2 days ago I was frantically walking around the halls looking for room 114 and quickly trying to find the right seat that would be the perfect distance from the front.

I have learned so many important things this year. Of course I don't have as many experiences as someone who has graduated, or even someone in second or third year, but I think that God has shown me some pretty fundamental things.

I graduated grade 12 with my life figured out. I was going to major in psychology and minor in linguistics, and I was going to take only one English course, graduate in exactly 4 years (not a single day more), and spend 2 years taking my Master of Health Sciences in Speech Language Pathology at the University of Toronto (not anywhere else). Then I would be hired at either Bloorview, Sick Kids, or Grandview (a little bit of flexibility there), and somewhere in that mix I would find time to get married and live happily ever after.

When I started university this past fall, that was my mindset. My life was set in stone because that's the way I liked it. When there aren't any grey areas, everything is pretty comfortable right? So I went straight to the academic advisor and told him the exact courses I would like to take and when I would like to finish them. He kindly suggested that I allow myself some flexibility because students tend to change their minds, and I kindly responded that I really wasn't like every other student and I would most definitely not be changing my mind about anything.

God tends to shake things up when we don't have the right mindset.

It turns out I really don't like university English, and some parts of psychology aren't so great either. Health sciences are apparently my favourite thing now? And after volunteering at a specialized communication preschool I realized that speech language pathology isn't as exciting as I once thought. On top of all that, I ended up only being able to take four courses each semester so that means I'll graduate in 4.5 years instead of my personal, and very exact, 4 year deadline.

So to every university student, and anyone who likes to have control, here is what I have learned:

You don't have to have your life figured out 
I really think it's hard for us to let go of control. There is comfort in holding onto life's steering wheel because then the road that we are on lines up with the map in our head. Maybe it's just me, but having things figured out in my mind makes life seem pretty safe and secure.

The problem with that way of thinking is that if we only follow the map in our head, we will never have any idea what other roads offer. We get stuck in our point of view because we think our plan is great.

But what about something greater?

Think about how God has a birds-eye-view of everything (Job 28:24). He knows what's out there. He can see exactly where you fit into the huge world (Psalm 139:16), and sometimes He might want to turn the steering wheel so you can end up in that perfectly fitting place.

Be open to a change of direction.

God doesn't see you the way you see yourself
Going into my first year (and actually just going into life in general) I was (and still sometimes am) really hard on myself. This year I was trying to maintain a scholarship with tagged-on (really high!) expectations. Being someone who already has high expectations of myself, this didn't help.

Losing 0.33% of a grade because I circled one wrong answer was not okay. Neither was getting one 'X' on a syntactic tree (even without a mark deduction) because I extended a line too far. And it was definitely not okay to lose 2 marks for forgetting to fill in one column of an online lab chart. (The fact that I still remember every detail of those mistakes shows that I am clearly a work in progress!)

In my mind, all of these things were interfering with the way everybody else was going to see me.

Does anybody really care that I forgot to fill in that column? Probably not. In the big picture of life, those things aren't even visible.

The even better news is that to God, none of our mistakes are visible. He has promised to "never again remember our sins" (Hebrews 8:12) once we submit to Him.

This promise of grace is so incredibly relieving. Because of His Grace, we don't have to continually strive. We don't have to meet the expectations that the world places on us, because He has overcome the world (John 16:33).


Being thankful will change your life 
This year I learned how powerful it is to simply be thankful.

It's really easy to appear thankful and say you're thankful without really meaning it, but when you truly are thankful from the bottom of your heart, with every part of your being, it is powerful. 

Worries, plans, stress, frustration, anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, caving under pressure (all the common emotions that rise up especially in university) - all of these feelings evaporate to the heavens when you choose to be thankful. When you take a minute to rest in the present moment and thank God for all He has blessed you with.

It is impossible to be worried when you think about everything that God has given you and what a powerful and merciful God He is.

Completely perspective-changing.


There are more important things than school 
I went into university with sort of a 'get in and get out' mindset. I wasn't there to have fun and make friends, I was there to learn. It took me almost 2 semesters to learn that having friends and spending time together outside of lectures is actually stress-relieving.

Time isn't going to stop while you're in school. Life keeps moving. We need to make the most of the time that has been given to us. Some days you are definitely going to have to spend hours upon hours studying and finishing assignments, (some days just aren't the greatest!) but there's a balance. Take breaks! Go meet a friend for lunch, have a movie night, even invite a friend to study with you if you really can't pull yourself away from it.

John 15:13 says "There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends." Make sure you invest in your relationships. Don't let people drift away and don't miss out on memories. It's important for people (friends & family) to know that you care, even amongst the busyness of your life. Sometimes it might be important to sacrifice that extra hour of study time for someone. School (and the confusion at this point in your life) isn't forever, but your friends & family will be.

And no matter how busy you feel or how stressed-out you are, time with Jesus is essential. Nothing is as important as your relationship with Him. When you choose to be still in His presence, the plan that He has for you will become so clear, and peace will take over your life (Philippians 4:6-7).

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You might know exactly where you're going. You might be able to see very clearly the direction that God is taking you.

You might be worried because your future looks misty. You might want to give God control but you don't know how to.

Or you might not really care where God wants to take you so you're holding on to control as tightly as you can.

But no matter where you are, where you think you're going, or where you have been:

Choose to be open. Choose to be thankful. And know that He is giving you peace and direction with open arms.

Your future is safe. 

And you are going to do amazing things.


- Kayla 

I know that Your love breaks my fall 

Scandal of grace, You died in my place so my soul will live 

Cornflower Blue (For Everyone Who Fears The Unknown)

When people ask me why I worry about things, I often say it's because I hate change. Or because I don't like the idea of the unknown.

I really like when things are black or white. I like clear boundaries and expectations. I like preparation and familiarity.

Every so often I long for a sprinkle of change and surprise and adventure. Sometimes it definitely is good to switch things up. Like reorganizing a room or trying out a new recipe. And there definitely is a thrill in going on a spontaneous road trip to enjoy some new scenery, or going on an expedition to an unknown place.

It's the change that we have no control over that's the problem. When we're forced to tip-toe into the unfamiliar territory. Or plunge head-first in some cases.

It's the grey areas.

They are so many problems with grey. It's the colour of stifling smoke. Soggy slush. Filmy fog. Murky mud. It's so unclear. Suffocating.  Depressing. Blinding. Dirty.

Terrifying.

At least when everything is black, your eyes can rest and you know where you're supposed to be. All you have to do is stand in one place.

In the grey areas you can't see your feet touching the ground. You are constantly searching for the light. For a moment of clarity. For reassurance that your feet are secure. You don't rest. You walk in circles and zig-zag lines. Desperate. Trying to find an unknown destination.

That is the problem with grey. It's a colour of frenzied confusion and miserable discomfort.

--

So what do you need to remember when you find yourself in the midst of the fog?

1. Navigating is not our job. 
Nobody ever said that we have to figure out a cure for the grey areas of life. Just like we have no control over the morning fog, we have no control over the every-day unknowns.

Job 37:6 says that God knows the 'balancing of the clouds.'

It is not our place to navigate through the world. He has control. His job is to understand the fog and make things clear to our human eyes in His perfect timing.


2. There is no such thing as 'the unknown.'
The unknowns of life are only unknown to us. Our stories have already been written, and our job is to have faith in the One who knows us best.

Job 28:24 says that 'He sees everything under the heavens.'

We serve the most incredible God who is Ever-Present and All-Knowing.

His plans for us are incomprehensible (Ephesians 3:20).


3. Just because you can't see the end does not mean you are alone.
Even better than the fact that He knows everything about us (Psalm 139), He has given us the option of spending every moment with Him.

When we are unsure about where to go next, when we can't see where our feet are standing or the path in front of us, we simply need to look beside us and grab onto The Hands that shaped the world in the first place.

He goes before us, and He stands beside us (Deuteronomy 31:8).

--

The grey areas are a time to practice trusting. No matter what the situation. Whether it's your future that seems grey or even the next minute of your life.

These areas aren't really grey at all. They aren't ugly or suffocating or depressing.

Growth happens in the grey. Hope shines in the grey. Trust builds in the grey.

Sky blue. Bleu de France. Tiffany box blue. Blueberry blue. Ocean blue. Periwinkle. 

We are in between the faint Baby Blue of our beginning and the rich Royal Blue that will be our entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven.

We are in the Cornflower Blue.

And it is a beautiful place to be.


Kayla

Stephen Buchan

I know who goes before me, I know who stands behind

The God of angel armies is always by my side 

A Time To Love

It all started with a picture that I shared on Facebook which unintentionally created a debate between a bunch of my friends. I hadn't talked to one of these friends in years. He was my best friend in elementary school.

He ended up being on the 'wrong' side of this debate - wrong in the sense that nobody else agreed with him, including myself.

Anyways, I'm not here to write about Facebook debates. While this whole situation was taking place (between him and many of my other friends), I decided to text him to see how he was doing. Aside from the heated argument.

We hadn't had a conversation in years. He told me that he has changed a lot since grade eight and that he doesn't like the person who he is now - that I wouldn't like the person who he is now.

The thing is, he is different. And everyone was so mad at him for being different. He held strong to his opinion and he was hated for it.

But you know what? We're all different. We all change. We all have experiences that lead us to have opinions, and none of our experiences or opinions will be the same as anyone else's.

What is the same is how words make us feel.

Sure, he disagreed with everyone else. And yes, his opinion does not line up with God's word. However, using harsh words to get our points across does not line up with God's word either. (When is that ever effective anyway?)

God calls us to love. Everyone. Unconditionally.

When we carry on arguments, we are completely disregarding God's firm instruction to love.
Love covers a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8)
Love your neighbour as yourself. (Matthew 22:38)
The greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:13)
He also calls us to flee from controversies (2 Timothy 2:24) and to be kind, patient, and gentle (25).

This whole day just got me thinking about how we all change. We had our whole lives ahead of us in grade eight, and it was almost as though we were in a sheltered world. Before highschool. Before university. Before we were exposed to so many things that we would have no idea how to handle.

I never would have imagined in grade eight that life would offer so many battles. Broken hearts. Depression. Addiction. I never would have imagined that I would be here today talking to my childhood best friend about his struggles, and watching as my current friends harshly respond to his opinions instead of loving him for who he is.

Right now is a season of change. And I am going to use every opportunity that I have to love those around me. I want people to see a difference in me - I want them to see God in me. I want to be His hands and feet. Because God is love. 

And He is the reason that I am here.

Kayla


For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.
- Ecclesiastes 3:1