Infinitely More

I never used to think of myself as somebody who fears change.

I mean, I've always known that my sister doesn't like change. Even the smallest changes, like taking a different road to church or not being able to go to horseback riding on a Thursday night because of the rain. She always needs routine, consistency, warnings, explanations. Change has always been her struggle, not mine.

If there's anything I have realized lately, though, it's that change is one of my struggles too.

I definitely don't need such exact routines as my sister. My days and weeks aren't always the same, and last minute plans are sometimes fun. But big changes are still hard.

So hard.

My sister likes consistency because when things are always the same she can prepare herself. She knows that she was to get up at exactly 7:30 if she is going to make it to her bus, and she knows that right when she gets home from school she can make her chocolate-strawberry smoothie as a snack. On Mondays she goes to Courtney's house, and once a month she can go out for dinner with my grandparents. Each day and week is organized and there aren't any surprises.

When I think about the big picture of my life, that's kind of what it looks like for me too. I have plans for myself. Good plans. Plans that make sense to me. Plans that prepare me and help me know what steps to take. I have lists and deadlines and schedules.

The thing is, when we follow God's leading change is inevitable. Whether we like it or not, things are always going to be changing. God wants our lives to move forward so that He can fulfill His purpose in each of us.

But what is His purpose for us? Why does He have to turn our worlds upside down?

--

He wants us to be happy
I didn't fully realize until a couple days ago that God really does know us inside and out. He seriously knows us better than we know ourselves. We could have the most perfectly designed dreams, but He still has something planned that He knows we will like better. I don't even know how that's possible because I always seem to think I have it all figured out. Still, every time, God seems to say: "Sorry, my plan will bring you so much more happiness."

Whoever trusts the Lord will be happy.
Proverbs 16:20

If we are going to get anywhere in life, we need to realize that we don't know ourselves as well as we think we do. The One who created us knows what will bring us the most joy.

He wants to strengthen us
I think another reason why change is so hard is because it carries with it an entire collection of unknowns. When God brings something along that isn't the same as what we had previously planned, it's hard for us to imagine what the outcome will be. We don't know what steps to take or where we will end up. That's why change is inevitable with God. He turns our worlds upside down so that we will realize we are powerless and be forced to trust Him instead of ourselves.

For when I am weak, then I am strong
2 Corinthians 12:10

If life was completely consistent, and if we directed our own steps, faith wouldn't exist.

He wants to align our priorities
Sometimes we become consumed with routines and accomplishments. To-do lists and schedules become complete idols. We have our perfect plans and we like them. It's comforting to have things all in order. But sometimes we need change to remind us what's really important. For me, maybe God continually turns my world upside down to remind me that hiding in my room and studying for hours on end isn't furthering His kingdom. For some people, maybe God wants to take away old jobs and provide new jobs that will help their gifts shine more brightly, or maybe He wants to move some people away from home so that they can learn the importance of new friendships. There are so many opportunities than come with change.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will. 
Romans 12:2

--

I think when it comes down to it we all have a love-hate relationship with change. We have small longings to take risks and see what happens. We want to be closer to God, and we try to move in that direction, but fear always gets in the way.

Peter was a disciple who longed to have those faith-stretching moments with Jesus. He asked Jesus to call him onto the water, but when he finally stepped out "he became afraid and began to sink" (Matthew 14:30). Peter cried out to Jesus, and Jesus reached out for Peter right away. Of course He would never let Peter drown! He then questioned Peter's doubt and calmly erased the wind and the waves. Peter had become so overwhelmed with the unfamiliarity of the situation around him that he forgot Jesus was right there.

We need to realize that God isn't going to lead us in the wrong directions. It actually seems ridiculous to think that we know more about the world and our lives than He does.

We don't have the ability to fathom what He has planned for us. Even the greatest creations of our imaginations can't compare to the everlasting vastness of God and His perfect plans.

So when we love God more than anything else (including our own ideas and to-do lists), we don't have to be afraid of surprises and changes. God moves mountains and works miracles when we step out of our comfort zones.

And His greatest blessings will come when we least expect them.


-Kayla 

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty work at power within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. 

Ephesians 3:20-21 

Those (Enjoyable?) Times When You Have To Wait

I think that periods of waiting can be some of the worst points in our lives.

When we're young we have to learn to wait in lines and to go out for recess. We have to wait to be excused from the table because social etiquette says so, and we have to wait our turn with our hand raised in the air because that's kindergarten curriculum. The time-frame that constitutes 'waiting' when we're little seem so incredibly long and painful in the moment, but it's so ridiculously short in comparison to the things we are forced to wait for when we're older.

We wait for the possible healing of life-threatening illnesses, and we wait for traumatic situations to pass. We wait for God's direction regarding what we're going to do with the rest of our lives(!!), and we wait for Him to bring us the things we've been hoping for. We wait years and years to get married, and then sometimes for so much longer before we can have families. We wait for acceptance letters and for once-in-a-lifetime opportunities to come along. And the list goes on. These things are so much bigger than grocery store lines and the anticipated chocolate cake that comes after dinner.

The other problem that plagues us as we grow up is how we learn a little bit more about the world, and then we think that's enough to make it on our own. So we come up with these perfectly masterminded plans that don't leave any room at all for waiting. Then we become overwhelmed when things happen that interfere with the plans we've made, and we think I don't have time for this! On the outside we display content smiles and kind voices, but on the inside anxiety is swarming around making us think we have to immediately move on to the next task.

I'm one of those people who likes to have everything planned out and set in place a month in advance, so when I don't have clear direction, or if I know something is going to come but I don't know the exact details, it's a struggle for me. I can't wait to find out. I need time to prepare myself. I need to know why, how, where, who, what, and (most importantly) when.

In reality, we never know the exact answers to those things, and we are forced against our human nature to wait.

To be honest, sometimes I still don't really know what to do when I have to wait (or if I'm supposed to do anything at all), but here is what I have learned:


Patience Isn't Passive (Or Panicked)
When we're in a period of waiting we either frantically try to speed ahead and figure things out on our own, or we think that we're supposed to sit and wait for something to drop out of the sky. And it's true that sometimes God is teaching us how to be still. We are definitely supposed to wait on Him. But we are also supposed to be (peacefully!) active in our efforts to continue serving Him (that's our purpose!).

When we are focusing all of our efforts on serving Him, everything else will become clear. Our mindset should not be on the panicked planning our life-schedules. It should be completely consumed with loving Him and serving Him to the best of our abilities.

Hebrews 12:1 says that we should "run with patience." It also says that we should throw off sin and the things that weigh us down. Nothing should get in the way of us actively serving God and running the race He has laid out.


Patience Is Rewarding
When we are quick to act on our own judgement and plans, we often miss out on the amazing things that God is going to give us later. We so quickly forget that life is a collection of moments, and not just a single second.

When we choose to wait on God, despite the pressure and temptation of the present-moment, we will be rewarded in the future.

And when we keep in mind that God can be in every moment, while we can only live in a single moment, it is much easier to put our faith in His best plan.


Patience Is Revealing
There are so many examples in the Bible of men and women who are defined by their patient character.

Abraham waited for longer than a lot of people will ever live before he was finally blessed with a son, as God had promised (Genesis 21:2). Job endured pain, persevering through his extreme discomfort (the entire book of Job). James tells us that these figures of faith (Isaac, Moses, David, Elisha, Daniel, etc.) were "example(s) of patience in the midst of suffering" (5:10).

And most importantly, Jesus "endured the cross" (Hebrews 12:2).

Personally, I want to be someone who faithfully trusts and waits on God, rather than acting to please my earthly self in split-second decisions.

Patience reveals whether we are truly devoted to His will - whether we really trust Him with all of our hearts.


Patience Is Faith-Building
Those same figures that were defined by their patient character had deep faith in God.

Abraham was willing to sacrifice his son because God asked him to (Genesis 22). Even though he was probably horrified at the thought of this task, he obeyed. He knew (from previous experiences with waiting on God) that God would be faithful. Waiting helps us build faith that will be essential for the rest of our lives.

Job was a faithful man too, which is one of the reasons God tested him. God knew that he would remain faithful. But in the end, after he had endured a whole lot of suffering, his faith had become even stronger. He waited through all of the trials that were sent his way, and God revealed so much about Himself during that time.

Patience is at the root of our relationships with God, and gives us opportunities to show that we are willing to leave our lives in His hands.

--

Something that I have had to learn is to rest while I'm waiting. There's a fine balance between actively serving, and peacefully resting. Although those things seem contradictory, they go hand in hand.

I so often feel like life is too short. Like I need to get everything done right now and not waste any time.

But there is a time for everything. And sometimes God gives us seasons of waiting.

Ecclesiastes 3:12 says "there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can."

Patience so clearly brings happiness.

When we use our gifts to the best of the abilities for His glory
When we push past the pressure of the present
When we discover who we really are in Him
And when we put our entire lives in His hands, stepping out in faith
Then we will be forever content.

So seasons of waiting are times to be happy.

They are times to rest, and to appreciate all that God has done.

And most of all, they are times to look forward to all that He is going to do - because He will make everything beautiful in its time.


Enjoy the wait. 


Kayla 

Katie Cottrell Photography

[While I'm Waiting - John Waller]

Firm On His Promise I'll Stand

All I ever wanted in life was a sister.

Since the moment that I knew what a sister was, that's all I asked for. So when my mom found out that she was pregnant, I was convinced that it would be a girl. My parents tried to explain to me that I might end up with a brother, but in my two year old mind, there was no doubt it would be a girl.

How happy do you think I was when six days before my third birthday, my sister was born into our world?

I think my dad was just as ecstatic as I was, seeing as he let me out of the house wearing a purple and green tracksuit with white lacy socks and black dress shoes. I’m sure people smiled at the picture the two of us made as we walked down the hospital hallway, on a mission to meet the newest addition to our family. I can honestly say that was the best day of my life. I had great plans for that little girl. She would be my best friend, my companion, my secret keeper. She would be my whole world.

Fast forward three years, and my plan was going exactly the way I wanted it to. I had a playmate, a friend, a partner in crime. A student in my school, a client in my hair salon, a customer in my bakeries. I had someone to talk with at night, someone to sing songs with. Someone to confide in.

I never saw it coming.

I knew what autism was, I mean I had heard the word. It was all over my house. There were books lying around, and internet pages were left open. It was definitely there.

My partner in crime was seven now, and she wasn't anything like the girl who had been my hair model and cookie-taster. She had autism.

All I had ever wanted was a sister who could be my best friend.

Instead, I got a girl who hit and pushed. Who said awkward things and got lost in public places. She was extra work and couldn't be toilet trained and she tired my mom out. People felt uncomfortable around her.

Why did this have to happen to me? I needed someone to talk to. I couldn't talk to my mom because she was always tired, and my dad was always busy. I needed a best-friend-sister. Not an awkward-autism-sister.

I questioned God so much. Everything would just be so much better if you had given me a normal sister. I asked him the same thing so many times. Why?

In grade 10, my mom was diagnosed with depression. And that same year, God gave me my biggest miracle.

A second sister, and my best friend.

See, he knew what I needed all along. He blessed me with the most encouraging and uplifting young woman of God during one of the darkest times in my life. He blessed me with someone who would stand by my side through every battle and who would become part of my family.

He also showed me what a blessing my one and only biological sister is.

That girl is the light of my home. She's the voice of reason, the picture of peace, and the sunshine on a cloudy day. She is the first to laugh, the first to give a compliment, and the first to cry when someone else is in pain. She knows more about animals than anyone else I know, and she sings with more passion than an entire congregation of worshippers. She has a servant's heart, she is honest, and she is a young woman of integrity. She is the only one who understands what it's like to have a mom with depression. She's the only one who can understand how my heart broke when our dog died. She's the only one who knows how horrible my hair looks when I first wake up and still loves me anyways. She is always the first to stand up for me.

She is the best friend anyone could ask for.

The funny thing is the number of times I ask myself, what if? 

What if my sister didn't have autism?
What if my mom didn't have depression?
What if I fail my midterm?
What if I don't make it through university?
What if someone crashes into my car tomorrow?

It looks ridiculous when I type those things out.

God knew the second my sister was conceived that she would have autism. Actually, let me rephrase that. He knew before the world was formed that one day a girl would be born into the Peel family and she would have autism. He also had this amazing plan to bless me with a second sister who would would come into my world during high school and stick with me through the worst years of my life. He had a plan to make her an addition to my family. He designed us both so we would be able to make up for each other's weaknesses and encourage each other to grow closer to Him. He always has a plan.

Why do we question that plan when He's got it all covered?
Why do we worry about tomorrow when He's holding time in his hands?

The truth is that He always knows where He's taking us, but we don't always know where we're going.

That's the whole reason why we need Him.

To direct us. To protect us. To be our anchor in the reckless ocean that is our world. To love us. To be our peace. 

So no more what if's. 

He has this all under control.

Kayla

My Precious Biological Sister

My Miracle Sister 

If I climb to the sky, you're there!

   If I go underground, you're there!

If I flew on morning's wings to the far western horizon,

   You'd find me in a minute -

you're already there waiting!

...

You know me inside and out,

   you know every bone in my body;

You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,

   how I was sculpted from nothing into something

Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;

   all the stages of my life were spread out before you,

The days of my life all prepared

   before I'd even lived one day.

Psalm 139: 8-10, 13-16