Lessons (From The Summer of Stinky Socks and Smirky-Smiles)

Once in a while you meet a person who changes your life. For me this summer that was a chubby, freckle-faced little boy who I will call S. P. Sue (since he used that code name one day to solve a camp 'crime'). 

People often question why I choose to work with certain children. It’s exhausting – physically, mentally, and emotionally. It’s also frustrating and patience-draining. I found that even moreso this year. It’s actually been a pretty difficult summer. Ryan and I are in the beginning stages of a together-forever life, and it’s not the easiest transition. Exciting, but also really hard. For me it has been overwhelming to realize that we won’t be able to afford the things I have always been so familiar with. As a lover of Jesus and servant of Him, I’m called to be content in every situation. But how is that possible? I know that the only way I can be okay is with His strength, but what does that look like practically? 

Among all of my worried thoughts and overwhelming emotions, there was S.P.  So, picture the cutest, chubbiest, most freckle-faced, spikey-haired, smirky-smiling ten-year-old boy with a lasting sparkle in his eye. As cute and charming as he is, he doesn’t make things easy. He wants what he wants when he wants it, no sooner and no later. He wants my permanent presence (within close enough distance that I can come running if he calls) but often doesn’t want to actually know I’m there.  He wants people and attention, but it usually becomes too much for him. And when things become too much, he takes it out on the person closest to him. For the summer, that was me. There is a lot that I lost as a result of S. P., including my diamond necklace, some skin from my neck and nose, and a lot of my patience. 

Somebody recently asked me, again, why I would continue to spend my summer with someone so challenging. My first thought was “besides the fact that he completely stole my heart and wouldn’t let go?”

This guy is seriously the most empathetic ten-year-old I have ever met. He is always the first to notice any sign of worry or sadness. And if he ever is the cause of the worry or sadness, he will be the first to give you a hug and apologize (with as much sincerity as his sneaky-smirky-smile will allow), and he'll say "Get those tears out of your eyes. They make me sad."

He also lives by the motto of “When In Doubt, Tell A Joke … or Dance” How could a normal person not enjoy this? Nobody has ever made me laugh as much in one sitting as S.P.  His jokes are super clever (usually consisting of a pun related to his ability to make a ‘move’ on a lady) and his dance moves are 100% original (please just imagine Elvis’s hips crossed with a barn-yard folk dance and a touch of screamo).

He provided me with a new vocabulary as well. When no other word can express what you're feeling, why not create one yourself, right? For example, when a space is too small for you to stretch your legs out, just scream "SMOOKIE!" 3 times. Or 8 times. Whatever makes you feel the best. And when someone says something you don't like? You can smush their lips together and yell "SHOOKIE" until they get the point.

Seriously, I don't know how a person could not love this boy. Despite his brutally honest comments, his habit of wiping his snot on my sleeve, his stinky-blackened-white socks, and his death grip, he’s really the same as you or me. I truly believe that our earthly view of these atypical children is the way God sees us. Difficult, a little dirty, often rude and entirely scattered. 

S.P. knew he needed me. I’m confident of this because of the many times he would pull my arms around himself or lean heavily on my shoulder or look back to make sure I was behind him when he was walking. But sometimes he didn’t want me. Sometimes he wanted to keep his distance and he wanted his independence (don't we all?). In these moments, it wasn’t until he was totally lost that he would cry out my name. He knew he could call me because he knew I wouldn’t leave him. You know how you take out your feelings on the people closest to you, because you know they won't go anywhere? Well, S.P. is a perfect example of that. 

I don't think we are any different than him. We know we need our Saviour, but we don’t always want Him. We avoid, we make excuses, we go our own directions. Until we’re in a crisis. We know He doesn’t leave us so we justify our bad choices. With this in mind, how can we not love the difficult ones around us? Jesus so unconditionally loves us. Even when we don't want him. 

Now back to the question that has been ringing in my head all summer. How am I supposed to be content in every situation? How am I supposed to rely on Jesus’ strength? What does that look like?
Through a little freckle-faced blessing, I got my answer.

It looks like unconditional love given by the best of our ability. 

When our hearts doubt, we can reassure our hearts by loving through our actions and in truth.
For whenever our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts. 1 John 3:18-24

It looks like having wisdom, and keeping our lives focused on His grace. 

When our minds are set fully on Jesus, we can't go wrong.
Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 1 Peter 1:13-15
Keep your life free from the love of money, and be content with what you have. For he has said "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Hebrews 13:5

It looks like taking a little snot on our sweaters, smiling through hurtful comments, carrying around stinky white socks, and bearing scratches on our necks. After all, Jesus bared nails through His hands. 

Engaged, Changed, and Rearranged

I've had a lot of emotions in the past three months. Some feelings were expected, others were not. The excitement and the exhilaration were obvious engagement emotions. The fear and the frustration, not as much.

What nobody told me is that it's actually all really overwhelming. The wedding talk gets old. The headintheclouds sensation wears off, and at one point all that's left may be the stark cold reality that everything is going to change. There's no going back. Plans need to be made. Budgets are real things. Money needs to be saved yet somehow also needs to be spent. In truckloads. You are going to be stuck with the same person for the rest of your life. And yes, that can actually be a terrifying thought. The 'I want to be with you forever [insert heart-eye emoji]' feeling is still there, but it can easily become drowned by the fear that comes with creating an entirely new life.

It's not that being engaged isn't romantic and wonderful. It really is. But it quickly becomes not all cliche.

From Mine to Ours

I've realized I am a very selfish person. Somehow I managed to fall back into my four-year-old ways where every item that I cherished in some minuscule way was "MINE." Except now it's more about the figurative money and not the physical items. My life savings are no longer entirely my own. The commitment I made means that my life will now be shared with someone else. I can't make decisions based on my own 'wants.' The things that used to be mine now become ours. 

Wedding Talk Gets Old 

If you're anything like me, you might actually get tired of talking about weddings. I mean, this is the thing you've been dreaming about all your life, but when the 18th person asks you how the wedding plans are going, it might seem like that's the only thing people are interested in. Am I not more than a wedding planner?!  Plus, wedding planning is actually not the most relaxing thing. Somehow looking at the tally of all the prices of all the things you need takes a little fun out of it.

The Unintentional Distance 

Something I never realized was that deciding to be the first of my friends to get married meant creating distance. Suddenly I don't have as much in common with the people around me as I thought I did. I'm stuck in an awkward in-between stage of having all the newly-weds and engaged people being older than me, and all of my own friends being at completely different life-stages. And it's surprisingly unsettling when you have the option of hanging out with people in their mid-to-late twenties who have their own tight-knit group already, or hanging out with people your age who you can't relate to as much as you used to.

Our Family?

Creating a family isn't the easiest thing either. It's sort of brought me back to my teenage days of silent rebellion, when all I wanted was to get out of my family and start my own life. Now here we are, and I don't really want that anymore. I'm torn between building a home with the love of my life, and curling up on the couch between my mom and dad and never leaving. And the whole thing where people say you marry into the family? Well. Yeah. That's a thing.



Now that I've probably made everyone feel like getting married is the worst thing ever, let me just say, weddings are wonderful. Being engaged is wonderful. Being in love is wonderful. Planning for the future is wonderful. Gaining extra siblings is wonderful.

But, it's also terrifying. Stressful. Scary. Emotional. Overwhelming. [insert any other negative emotion]. Nobody ever warned me of that. I mean people said "It's going to be hard." But you know, life is just hard in general. So "hard" doesn't really encompass much.

Let me also say that the terrifying-stressful-scary-emotional-overhwhelmingness of this time in our(mine+Ryan's) lives has one hundred percent been God's way of drawing us nearer to Him.

I think that amidst the planning and excitement we so easily forget who brought us and our loves together in the first place. It's so easy to forget because planning in itself is so naturally under our control. Planning is a really dangerous thing if you think about it. Checkmark after checkmark you can push yourself farther and farther from Him. No wonder fear can so easily overtake.

4 Reminders For The Engaged 

(and everyone else) 

From Isaiah 41:10-14

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand... I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you...  Do not be afraid... do not fear, for I myself will help you," 

You are not alone. 

You have strength.

He will help you. 

He will hold you up. 

So do not be afraid. 

Lessons From 20 Days Of Being Twenty

For years we dream of being older. From the first time the firemen come to our kindergarten class we long to be able to have real grown-up jobs. From the first time we watch Cinderella we long for true love. From the first time we see a newborn baby we long to be mothers.

We live for the day. We dream about the day. We long for the day. The day that is beyond where we are at now. The day where we will have everything we have ever dreamed of.

Dreams are a wonderful thing because they are simply that. Dreams. What everybody tried to tell me (and what I never actually believed) is that the present years are the years to be embraced. We are free to dream, definitely. But we need to be careful to also recognize the past dreams that are being fulfilled at present.

I was reading James 5 this morning and there are three things that stood out to me, probably because they sum up the lessons I have been learning this year and the reality of life (so far) in my twenties.

Patience 

"Be patient, then, brothers [and sisters]" (8) 

Things will not just come to you (and if they ever do, it will not be a regular thing). Work is real.

You will not be rich. In fact, you will probably be the poorest you will be throughout the course of your life. And your parents will not continue to pay for everything. Budgets are real.

Your boyfriend/fiance/husband will be experiencing the same stresses as you. The teenage 'on top of the world' mantra will not last forever. He will not be perfect. His flaws are real.

You will not be the best at everything anymore. You will realize that even though you got the music award, the sportsmanship award, the math award, the science award, the english award, and the french award in highschool you physically cannot be the best at all of those things anymore.

You will have to learn to be patient with the people around you when they try to tell you these things, even though you know you can only learn for yourself. You will have to be patient with your parents as they try to navigate their roles in their young adults' lives. You will have to be patient with your boyfriend/fiance/husband as he tries to make it through this time in your lives as well. And you will have to be patient with yourself as you make mistakes and take some wrong turns on the second-decade-road.

Perseverance

"consider blessed those who have persevered." (11)

Some days you will feel like you're not going to get anywhere. Like when that job you were counting on doesn't work out, when your bank account becomes a couple digits less than you need it to be, when your relationship seems to be teetering on a rock, or when you don't do as well as you were hoping to on your final exam. 

What I've been reminding myself - correction: what God has been reminding me - is that life won't be like this forever. 

This is only a short time in our lives. We are not always going to be broke and confused and searching for our place in this world (at least to the degree we are now) forever. 

But even though it's a short time, it's also an important time. It's a time where we are entirely shaped and moulded into who we are going to be - the individual people who will go out into the world and (hopefully) follow the paths that God has planned. In order to become those people, we need to persevere (perseverance must finish its work so that we may be mature - James 1:4) 

Prayer

"Again he prayed," (18) 

I've been trying to start a new pattern. When I become frustrated or overwhelmed with life or start thinking negatively about a situation, I pray instead.

It sounds so simple, but it is so powerful. Because prayer changes your perspective on everything. It takes the grief out of your own hands, and places it in the hands of the One who can transform anything into joy. And rather than attempting life on your own strength (this has never worked well for me) you then have His strength to carry you.

The other thing about prayer is that it is the key ingredient in your relationship with Him.

Communication is probably the most important part of any relationship. Prayer is communication with the most important One in your life. Prayer brings peace. Prayer brings power.

Prayer brings patience and perseverance and all the other things you need. 

The Things Nobody Tells You About Long-Distance-Loving

I used to think I knew what it meant to love. The world told me that love is Passion. Butterflies. Excitement. Roses. Tears. Chocolate. The people around me have said that Love is patient. Love is not self-seeking. Love always forgives.

I've always thought that the best way to show love is to do my best to make everyone else happy and comfortable. I've always been the kind of person who has a hard time saying no because I want other people to be okay, who will stay up for hours listening to life problems, who will go out of my way just to make things easier for someone else. I'm not saying this to make myself sound good. This is just genuinely how I live my life. And if I'm doing my best to make everyone else happy, then I'll be happy too - and even more than that, God will be happy with me. Jesus first + Others second + You last = JOY ... right?

I'm realizing now that there is a lot more to love than that. Of course, I am still just inexperienced, unmarried, and new to the second decade of life, but this is what I know:

1. No matter the distance between you and the one you love, you will feel the impact of their choices. 

For the majority of the past ten months, Ryan and I have been 100 miles apart. 

He is in Bible college, and I stay at home while going to university. In September I thought it was all going to be just fine. I had it in my head that we were simply two people who were living their post-secondary lives and who also happened to be in a relationship. He could do his thing, and I could do mine, and whenever we ended up seeing each other would be fine with me. I didn't really think it would matter what he did while he was at school or what I did while he was gone. I mean not that it was some 21st century-style open relationship, but if I worked some days or if he went out a couple nights a week it wouldn't matter. 

My ideas were very wrong. 

Every choice I make, and every choice he makes, has an effect. When I have classes all day, and then he chooses to go out at night... well, that means we probably won't be talking that day. And when I don't charge my phone on a Monday morning before going to work... well, that cuts off that form of communication. If I decide to go out on the once-a-month night he comes home? No quality time that weekend.

These things may all seem small, but they matter. The momentary choices really are significant. Because moments accumulate to minutes, to hours, to days... to months. Moments translate through the love-saturated air that connects two people, whether they are 100 seconds apart or 100 miles. 

2. He won't always be good at loving long-distance, but you won't always be either. 

Being recently engaged, I've received a lot of those 'I'm going to give you my life advice in one word' kind of comments. The most common one has been (can you guess??): communicate. 

A lot of people think that the whole '5 Love Languages' thing is overrated, and in some ways I agree. But I also think there is so much truth in it. Everyone really does communicate love in different ways, and everyone really does receive love best in different ways.

The problem with long-distance is that it really limits the ways you can show love. And if your 'love language' is physical touch or quality time? That really becomes a challenge. You're pretty much limited to 'words of affirmation' when you're 100 miles apart. Maybe gifts are an option if you don't mind mailing things, and maybe a revised-version of quality time can happen if Skype ever decides to work (note: Skype will probably never reach best-friend-level in your life). But you really are limited. And even if you are a 'words of affirmation' person, after a while it's going to get pretty dull when that's the only way you can show/receive love. And if the other person isn't good with words or doesn't receive love best through words? There's a whole other hurdle to jump over.


Communication is hard. And when you put distance between people, it gets harder. I don't think that anybody is inherently an expert at knowing how to communicate their love from far away. I also don't think anybody is good at loving 'in all the languages.' It takes practice. It takes making mistakes. It takes arguments and apologies and accidental-accusations. It takes some tears on both sides. Because when you aren't 'feeling loved,' he probably isn't either.

3. Love is not picture perfect, but it has a perfect purpose. 

Love has this 'fantastical' sense about it. Like when you imagine two people who have recently written their own romance and the air above their heads seems to be showering glitter and butterflies are fluttering from their eyes and they don't have a care in the world.

I admit, I've had those head-in-the-clouds moments. But in reality that is not how I would describe love. And, to be honest, that is not the kind of love that I desire. (I also realized that I am not an expert author when it comes to romance - that should be up to the Real Romance Writer.)

Real love is not always rainbows and heart-shaped-doodles. Real love is messy because it goes beneath the surface. It knows that sticking around is going to be worth it. It sees past the current phase. It knows that life is not always going to be happy. It also knows that it's not always going to be hard. Love knows where it's going, and it wants to do all that it can to get there - no matter what that means.

Real love might means having bags under your eyes because you stayed up late on the phone to help him finish an almost-overdue paper. It might mean going across the street at 2 in the morning so you can call your panic-prone girlfriend even though you have an early class. Real love might mean facing an argument instead of turning away because you want to work it out. It might mean taking on extra hours at work or sacrificing your love for Starbucks so that you can save money for the future. It might mean worry-wrinkles. It might mean writing down his to-do list so you can help him remember everything he needs to get done. It might mean sitting at the doctor's office with him, surrounded by coughing-sneezing-germy people on your birthday. It might mean sitting in silence when she's trying to process her thoughts, or holding ice on her mango-sized injured chin when her hands get too cold.

Love has purpose. Love knows there will be an end, but it chooses to last.

4. Love is an everyday choice, but it is also an irresistible, captivating power 

Have you ever had the moment when you hear a new song, and it just draws you in? You don't really hear the words and you're not even consciously thinking about it, but suddenly you're humming along, moving your head from side to side, tapping your foot, closing your eyes. You just can't resist the quiet, gentle power of the melody mixed with the harmony, the rhythm, the tone of the artist's voice.

I heard that analogy the other day and I think it perfectly describes the power of love.

One moment you're sitting back and quietly observing the people around you. The next moment you are being drawn into his slate-blue eyes and realizing that your life is never going to be the same again and you can't do a thing about it. There is no way you could possibly resist. And every time you look back into his eyes you fall in love all over again.

Another word for that kind of drawing-captivating sensation is infatuation. The difference is that infatuation only involves feeling. Love that is centered on Jesus does not depend on feelings. It has the same captivating effect, without the selfishness. Love lasts because it sometimes involves a choice that goes against our feelings.

5. Loving means being vulnerable. 

The thing about living apart means that a lot of times unpredictable circumstances come between you. Maybe your roommate comes back sooner than expected. Maybe a snowstorm cancels your weekend plans. Maybe Skype cuts out for the 52nd time that month (okay, not so unpredictable, but equally as frustrating). 

As a result of never knowing when these things will ruin your plans, you will be willing to drop everything whenever you have the opportunity to be together. 

You will be willing to drive for 2 hours just for 2 seconds in his arms.

You will be willing to sit and do nothing for hours while she does homework just so you can be beside her.

You will be willing to stay up until 3am talking on the phone, because it's the only time he can get a moment alone.

You will also realize that saying goodbye will never get easier, and only having brief moments to talk makes saying goodbye that much more impossible. But you wouldn't trade those moments for anything.

And putting yourself out there - doing these out-of-the-ordinary things - make you vulnerable.

Sacrificing your time for someone else is like placing your un-wrapped heart in their hands. And it's hard. It makes you vulnerable. Because now you really hope they'll give you their un-wrapped heart too. But what if they don't? What if they never sacrifice back? What if they go back to 100 miles away and forget that they're holding your heart in their hands?

That's the thing about love. To love is to be vulnerable. There's no way around that.

(Note: My advice? Make sure that Jesus is mediating the heart-exchange. That way you can't go wrong. {1 John 4:18}) 

---

See, love is more than a self-satisfying sacrifice. Love has nothing to do with me or you. I am not a good person because I love. And I cannot love simply because it makes other people happy.

I will never be able to love perfectly, and yet I am called to be love. Not for me. Not for others. But for Him.

When love is for Him, it makes long-distance-loving less burdensome. He can take our human love and transform it into Powerful love which spans all distance - because He is the Creator of Love.

His love lasts beyond the end of a phone call, beyond the missing-you-tears, and beyond the make-up-kisses. His love is the only love that can fill the space of 100 miles and remain equally as strong.

This is love. 

- Kayla 

What Every University Student Needs To Know

In 9 days I will be finished my first year of university, and I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around that. It seems like 2 days ago I was frantically walking around the halls looking for room 114 and quickly trying to find the right seat that would be the perfect distance from the front.

I have learned so many important things this year. Of course I don't have as many experiences as someone who has graduated, or even someone in second or third year, but I think that God has shown me some pretty fundamental things.

I graduated grade 12 with my life figured out. I was going to major in psychology and minor in linguistics, and I was going to take only one English course, graduate in exactly 4 years (not a single day more), and spend 2 years taking my Master of Health Sciences in Speech Language Pathology at the University of Toronto (not anywhere else). Then I would be hired at either Bloorview, Sick Kids, or Grandview (a little bit of flexibility there), and somewhere in that mix I would find time to get married and live happily ever after.

When I started university this past fall, that was my mindset. My life was set in stone because that's the way I liked it. When there aren't any grey areas, everything is pretty comfortable right? So I went straight to the academic advisor and told him the exact courses I would like to take and when I would like to finish them. He kindly suggested that I allow myself some flexibility because students tend to change their minds, and I kindly responded that I really wasn't like every other student and I would most definitely not be changing my mind about anything.

God tends to shake things up when we don't have the right mindset.

It turns out I really don't like university English, and some parts of psychology aren't so great either. Health sciences are apparently my favourite thing now? And after volunteering at a specialized communication preschool I realized that speech language pathology isn't as exciting as I once thought. On top of all that, I ended up only being able to take four courses each semester so that means I'll graduate in 4.5 years instead of my personal, and very exact, 4 year deadline.

So to every university student, and anyone who likes to have control, here is what I have learned:

You don't have to have your life figured out 
I really think it's hard for us to let go of control. There is comfort in holding onto life's steering wheel because then the road that we are on lines up with the map in our head. Maybe it's just me, but having things figured out in my mind makes life seem pretty safe and secure.

The problem with that way of thinking is that if we only follow the map in our head, we will never have any idea what other roads offer. We get stuck in our point of view because we think our plan is great.

But what about something greater?

Think about how God has a birds-eye-view of everything (Job 28:24). He knows what's out there. He can see exactly where you fit into the huge world (Psalm 139:16), and sometimes He might want to turn the steering wheel so you can end up in that perfectly fitting place.

Be open to a change of direction.

God doesn't see you the way you see yourself
Going into my first year (and actually just going into life in general) I was (and still sometimes am) really hard on myself. This year I was trying to maintain a scholarship with tagged-on (really high!) expectations. Being someone who already has high expectations of myself, this didn't help.

Losing 0.33% of a grade because I circled one wrong answer was not okay. Neither was getting one 'X' on a syntactic tree (even without a mark deduction) because I extended a line too far. And it was definitely not okay to lose 2 marks for forgetting to fill in one column of an online lab chart. (The fact that I still remember every detail of those mistakes shows that I am clearly a work in progress!)

In my mind, all of these things were interfering with the way everybody else was going to see me.

Does anybody really care that I forgot to fill in that column? Probably not. In the big picture of life, those things aren't even visible.

The even better news is that to God, none of our mistakes are visible. He has promised to "never again remember our sins" (Hebrews 8:12) once we submit to Him.

This promise of grace is so incredibly relieving. Because of His Grace, we don't have to continually strive. We don't have to meet the expectations that the world places on us, because He has overcome the world (John 16:33).


Being thankful will change your life 
This year I learned how powerful it is to simply be thankful.

It's really easy to appear thankful and say you're thankful without really meaning it, but when you truly are thankful from the bottom of your heart, with every part of your being, it is powerful. 

Worries, plans, stress, frustration, anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, caving under pressure (all the common emotions that rise up especially in university) - all of these feelings evaporate to the heavens when you choose to be thankful. When you take a minute to rest in the present moment and thank God for all He has blessed you with.

It is impossible to be worried when you think about everything that God has given you and what a powerful and merciful God He is.

Completely perspective-changing.


There are more important things than school 
I went into university with sort of a 'get in and get out' mindset. I wasn't there to have fun and make friends, I was there to learn. It took me almost 2 semesters to learn that having friends and spending time together outside of lectures is actually stress-relieving.

Time isn't going to stop while you're in school. Life keeps moving. We need to make the most of the time that has been given to us. Some days you are definitely going to have to spend hours upon hours studying and finishing assignments, (some days just aren't the greatest!) but there's a balance. Take breaks! Go meet a friend for lunch, have a movie night, even invite a friend to study with you if you really can't pull yourself away from it.

John 15:13 says "There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends." Make sure you invest in your relationships. Don't let people drift away and don't miss out on memories. It's important for people (friends & family) to know that you care, even amongst the busyness of your life. Sometimes it might be important to sacrifice that extra hour of study time for someone. School (and the confusion at this point in your life) isn't forever, but your friends & family will be.

And no matter how busy you feel or how stressed-out you are, time with Jesus is essential. Nothing is as important as your relationship with Him. When you choose to be still in His presence, the plan that He has for you will become so clear, and peace will take over your life (Philippians 4:6-7).

--

You might know exactly where you're going. You might be able to see very clearly the direction that God is taking you.

You might be worried because your future looks misty. You might want to give God control but you don't know how to.

Or you might not really care where God wants to take you so you're holding on to control as tightly as you can.

But no matter where you are, where you think you're going, or where you have been:

Choose to be open. Choose to be thankful. And know that He is giving you peace and direction with open arms.

Your future is safe. 

And you are going to do amazing things.


- Kayla 

I know that Your love breaks my fall 

Scandal of grace, You died in my place so my soul will live 

Eucharisteo & The Sound of Rain

Thanks.

I have often felt burdened by that word.

It's a tag-on. A formality. Something children are taught to say when they're learning their manners. Something you say when you don't know how else to respond. Sometimes it's used at the end of a letter. Sometimes it's used sarcastically. Then there's the holiday version of it. Everyone is always so 'thankful' on that one day of the year.

Most of the time it is really just said so that people will think you're polite and kind and a morally good person.

'Thanks' is probably among one of the first words you were taught. You probably had to say 'thank you' to the kind stranger who held the door open for you. And you probably had to say 'thank you' when your mom handed you a cookie, or when your older sibling let you play with their toy.

If you think back to the first prayer that you ever learned (or even just heard) it also probably had some form of 'thanks' in it. "Thanks" is most likely one of the first things you ever said to Jesus. "Thank you Jesus for our food." "Thank you for dying on the cross." "Thank you for mommy and daddy and my house and my dog and my sister..."

Thankfulness comes so naturally for children (once they learn the word). They can think of so many things that they're thankful for. When I was younger, I would pretty much just list off everything that came to mind when somebody asked what I was thankful for. From the lamp beside my bed to my friend who lived in Sweden.

As I became older, I started to avoid the 'thanks' part of my prayers. It might have been because there were too many things that I was 'supposed' to be thankful for and it would just have taken too long to say them all. Or it could have been because it was just easier to ask for things and talk about all the problems I had. I would lie in bed saying my end-of-a-long-day prayer silently in my head, and my mind would drift. I would start off with "thank you for this day" and then I would quickly end up telling God how I had a ton of homework that I didn't get done, how I was stressed all day because I barely had time to eat, how my parents didn't understand me. Then I would talk to him about my friend drama and the person in class who had frustrated me. I would ask him to fix it all. And then - oh yeah! I forgot to apologize for yelling at my sister. So I would quickly ask for forgiveness for that. Then I would throw in an afterthought - "Thank you for loving me" or "Thank you for my family" - just so I didn't feel as guilty. And maybe I would end with telling Him how great He is and how I loved Him too.

So many demands. So little thanks.

When it came down to it, 'thank you' had lost its meaning for me (as did talking to God altogether, but that's a story for another time!).

A couple weeks ago I was challenged to think of 1000 things that I am thankful for.

When I heard that for the first time, one part of me was thinking "that's going to be so easy" and another part of me was thinking "I don't have time to write all of that down!" No part of me even considered that it actually might be an important thing to do.

Thanks still might have no meaning to you, and you might be reading these words thinking "she's just giving me another reminder to be thankful..." But I'm not going to give another reminder. Seriously just think about this. Think about every time you have ever been angry, upset, worried, bored, jealous, or impatient. In those moments did thankfulness have a home?

For me personally, my answer would be no.

When our hearts are ungrateful, our thoughts our pointless and our minds become darkened (Romans 1:20-22). God becomes angry when we don't thank him. Without thanks there is no joy. Without thanks we don't have the capacity, ability, or strength to accept God's grace.

Why?

Because joy and grace are within thanksgiving.

The story of Jesus giving thanks for a loaf of bread is what helped me understand all of this.

Luke 22:19 says that Jesus took some bread and gave thanks. The Greek translation of 'gave thanks' is eucharisteo. In a previous post I talked about the Greek word for grace, which is charis. This is also the root word of eucharisteo. To take this even further, the root of charis is chara. Chara means joy. 

So why does this matter?

At the heart of thanksgiving, there are grace and joy. Happiness is found in thanksgiving. God's gift of grace is found in thanksgiving.

Don't we all want that gift? Don't we all want to be happy?

See, there is power in thanksgiving. Not the holiday, but the action.

It changes absolutely everything.

Thanksgiving reminds us that our lives are gifts. That this world is not our own. God provides us with everything so that we can go to Him with thanks and receive the joy and grace that He wants to offer us.

I never thought that focusing on what I am thankful for would be a life-changing challenge.

When we focus on being thankful instead of giving anxiety the power to overwhelm us, peace reigns.
When we focus on being thankful instead of allowing anger to grow in our hearts, we find forgiveness. 
When we focus on being thankful instead of justifying jealousy, satisfaction resides in our souls. 

Thanksgiving brings everything to your life.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above." James 1:17

Joy.
Grace.
Peace.

Eucharisteo.


Kayla

Photo Credit: Katie Cottrell

For all Your goodness I will keep on singing, 10 000 reasons for my heart to find

My First 10 Thanks
1. Divine grace that frees me from the strive for perfection.
2. A God who loves me despite my failures.
3. A family who will never give up on me.
4. Friends who unconditionally accept me.
5. A home & country where I am safe & free to love my Saviour.
6. The opportunity & ability to pursue an education & career.
7. Never-ending provision. In every way. All of my needs are met.
8. The sound of beautifully orchestrated melodies, giggling babies, & singing robins in the spring.
9. The warmth of sunshine, the beauty of snowflakes, and the sound of rain at night.
10. Soft fuzzy blankets & earl-grey tea.
[990 more to go] :)

The Beauty of Imperfection

Recently I have realized that there are so many things that I would love to spend the rest of my life doing.

I absolutely love baking, so I think it would be really fun to spend my life working in a little bake shop in a small town in the middle of nowhere. I would love to talk with the people who come in for a morning cup of coffee, and I would love to hand out cookies to little children whose parents bring them for a small treat. 

I also love writing. Becoming an author has always been one of my dreams. I would love to get lost in the stories that God places on my heart. I could travel the world and hold book signings. I could encourage thousands of people through God-inspired words. 

In grade 12, my history teacher told each of us his thoughts about our future careers. He told me that he could see me becoming "Super Kayla." I'm not really sure what he meant by that, but I think I would love that too. 

Then there are the more practical dreams. 

I have always told everyone that I want to be a Speech Language Pathologist. And part of me still wants that. I would love to spend my life helping children learn to communicate and express themselves. It would definitely be rewarding. 

But on the other hand, if I'm going to be spending the next six years (or more) in school, will that really be enough? 

The idea of doing something 'bigger' has been speaking to my heart in every way for the past month, and the feeling won't disappear. Just when I think the idea has finally faded, someone else mentions it (like Kari Jobe at her concert in Toronto... that could not have been a coincidence!) and it's like God is whispering, "You can't run from my plan." 

I need to stop acting like Jonah. 

I can't deny that God has this amazingly-unexpected plan for me. I know exactly what He wants me to do. 

The problem right now is that I can see the end result, but I can't see how to get there. I can't see how all of my random, un-related dreams are going to fit into the plan that He has. And to be honest I don't even understand how this 'big' thing could be His plan for me in the first place. 

Sometimes I don't feel smart enough. I try so hard to do everything right. I obsess over every sentence down to the most unimportant comma, trying to make things exactly perfect so that there is no way I can fail. But sometimes my efforts still aren't enough.

Sometimes I don't feel strong enough. I become so tired after a few hours of school that I can't even bring myself to finish my next reading. 

Sometimes I'm not patient. Sometimes I'm scared to go to new places, or to even leave my house. And sometimes I don't want to be the one who always listens to everyone else. 

I am so completely imperfect.

How could He have such an exciting plan for me? 

Last night I went to a worship concert with a bunch of my friends, and I was standing in a crowd of people listening to a song I had heard many times before, but when I listened last night it hit me in a completely different way. 

So patient

So gracious

So merciful and true

So wonderful in all You do 

You fill me

You see me

You know my every move

You love for me to sing to you

I know that you are for me 

I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness

I know you that you have come down

Even if to write upon my heart

To remind me who you are 

You Are For Me - Kari Jobe

Wow. 

He is everything that we are not. 

And even though we aren't good enough on our own, He doesn't abandon us. He chooses to stay. 

He stays with us so that He can fill us with all of the qualities that we naturally lack. 

How could we run from the One who fills us with everything that we are? We need to be filled. 

We can't distance ourselves from the One who is writing our story - outlining a production that will allow us shine. Our dreams will be fulfilled to the highest degree of success. Our needs will be met. Our heavenly desires will be provided for. 

Only if we allow Him to fill us with His perfection. 

1 John 4:12 says that "God abides in us and and His love is perfected in us."

God's grace says that it's okay for us to not be perfect. It's okay for us to lack the qualities that we think we need because God is here to meet our needs. We need His love and His grace. (Ephesians 2:8)

He wants to be with us so that He can complete us. So that He can provide for us and support us and cleanse us of our imperfections. That's the whole reason Jesus died. So that we might be "without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish." (Ephesians 5:25-27)

God is very aware of the dreams and plans that each of us have - even if they are hidden in the farthest corners of our heart.

He knows all of our solitary secrets and whispered wishes. 

He knows everything that we lack when we are on our own.

But despite our imperfections, we are beautiful. 

Because of Him.

Kayla 

Photo Credit: Katie Cottrell

1 John 4:18 - There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. 

Everything I Learned In Africa (A Year and a Half Late)

It has been a year and a half since I boarded the plane to Lusaka, Zambia, and every day I wish I could relive those three weeks.

Going to Africa had always been on my bucket list. I'm not really sure why. Maybe because I wanted to make a difference. Maybe because I love to travel or because I love children. I don't know. Whatever the reason, I am so thankful that God opened the door for me and ten others to venture across the world to serve Him.

To be honest, it wasn't the kind of trip where I came home and sold all of my clothes to those in poverty, ready to become a missionary, completely changed and transformed. Although I was hoping for that kind of life-altering journey, that's not what it was like for me.

When I first came home, I was able to answer the typical questions with typical answers. "What was Africa like?" "Amazing.""Was it hard to see so many people in need?" "Yes." ""Do you think we take for granted everything we have here in Canada?" "Definitely."

But I wasn't really sure what I learned. I usually gave answers like "I learned to be thankful every day for my house" or "I realized that I'm so blessed" and it's all completely true. The thing is, a lot of people that we interacted with had houses, and food, and even families - maybe they didn't make up your typical nuclear family or live in your typical suburban house, but a lot of them were surrounded by people they loved (side note: we did visit a village that would fit your "African village" image, and that was incredibly eye opening). Anyways, I spent 21 days on the other side of the world, so there had to be something that went beyond the classic mission-trip-experience answers.

Over the past year and a half, after having lots of time to reflect, there are some things that God has shown me about those days in Africa.


I am so small. 
I don't mean that I'm just a simple young girl, 5'7", in between adolescence and adulthood, living in Ontario. And I don't mean that I'm just one person in a world of millions (because that can make a person feel small too).

I seriously mean that I am small. 

It sometimes leaves me speechless when I think about how God created all these mountains and waterfalls that are incredibly massive. Victoria Falls is only one place, in one continent out of seven. It's even small in comparison to the rest of the world.

And somehow, we think that we're entitled to everything.

We become upset when things don't go the way we planned. Hurt when people don't pay attention to us. Bitter when people get in our way. We act like we're so big.

In reality, we are just a vapor. (James 4:14).

And still, God thinks the world of us.

Do you know what that means?

Each one of us is individually as important as the entire world and all of its wonders. In His eyes, we are as beautiful as Victoria Falls. When people stand there with awe-struck smiles, cameras out, wanting to capture every detail and treasure it forever - that is a picture of how God feels about us.

Although we are small, we are worth treasuring. We were chosen. (Ephesians 1:5-8)

We need to humble ourselves (because we really are small!), but we also need to realize our worth. We have a special place in this world.


We can always worship.
Africa changed my perspective of worship.

Sometimes I forget that it's okay to praise God outside of a sanctuary. I get so caught up in having to go to church each Sunday morning so that I can sing. It is really important to do that! But it's not the only place for it.

Africa is known for its music and dancing, and there's no question why. They really do know how to sing, and they know how to dance. Even beyond that - they know how to worship. They don't hold back. No matter where they are. No matter what the circumstance.

How many of us would be singing and dancing if we didn't have homes? (Honestly.)

I don't think that I would be.

The people that I met did.

They sang on buses, they sang in fields, they sang while children were crying, they sang inside, they sang on hills. And not just a little Sunday school melody. They sang with everything in them. From their hearts.

By the end of the 21 days, my team and I were singing (and dancing!) too.

They taught us how to worship.

Let them praise his name with dancing. Psalm 149:3


When we slow down, we can hear His voice. 
I struggle so much with unpredictability. I like knowing what is going to happen next, and I like consistency. When people change plans I get very uncomfortable, and when there isn't a schedule I become anxious.

This was my challenge on the trip.

Most people in Africa aren't as considered with schedules and time. They make some plans, but they also go with whatever happens. And more imoprtantly, most of the people that I met were incredibly in tune with God's voice.

So while I was there, I really had to learn to slow down and take time to breathe.

We don't always know what is going to happen in the next hour of our lives. And when choose to be okay with that (when we choose not to plan everything), we allow God to take over.
It's okay to not always have a plan. It's okay to be 2 minutes late. It's okay to spend a little bit of extra time talking to somebody even if it interferes with your schedule. It's even okay to take a night off to reflect, to laugh, or to just hang out and eat chocolate (we did that a few times).

It's actually better this way.

When we take time to breathe, we allow God to have control.

When we slow down, we have time to listen to God's voice.

(Proverbs 22:17-18, John 10:27, Romans 10:17)


Nothing is the end until God says it's the end. 
Looking back, God's power is more evident to me than I ever realized at the time.

There are so many stories that I could re-tell (the story about how we nearly missed our connecting flight, or the one about how my friend was attacked by a baboon... seriously), but there is one thing that I never truly realized before now.

God is supreme.  

During my last week in Zambia, I received an email from home informing me that my dog had died.

That really put a damper on my African-adventure excitement.

According to the world's medical expertise, he shouldn't have died. He was fairly young. Full of life. Crazy and alert. And ever his strange, fluffy, 17-pound self.

I'm still not really sure what happened, but I cried for days after I received that email. One of those days was the day we went to Victoria Falls.

For a while, I walked around this natural wonder without smiling or talking to anyone because all I could think about was how broken my heart felt. And how empty the living room chair would be without Scooter.

I never really 'got over it' as some say should have happened. To this day, I still miss him.

But what occurred to me at the Falls was that God really is always in control.

He controls the water that crashes over the rocks, and He calms the water that trickles across the stones. He controls the howling baboons that line the top of the mountain-like structure. He commands each side of the Falls to stand up straight. He could silence all of Victoria Falls. And despite His supremacy, not a sparrow falls to the ground without Him caring (Matthew 10:29).

He cared about my little dog.

I have no idea why He allowed him to die when I was on the other side of the world (or why He allowed it to happen at all).

But what I do know, is that I am small in comparison to the world.

I know that I can worship despite the pain.

I know that when I slow my racing, worried thoughts, God's voice can be heard.

And I know that despite the chaos of life,

He reigns. 


Kayla 

"You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is like it: 'Love your neighbour as yourself.'" Matthew 22:37-39

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
1 John 4:8

{Scooter}