Lessons (From The Summer of Stinky Socks and Smirky-Smiles)

Once in a while you meet a person who changes your life. For me this summer that was a chubby, freckle-faced little boy who I will call S. P. Sue (since he used that code name one day to solve a camp 'crime'). 

People often question why I choose to work with certain children. It’s exhausting – physically, mentally, and emotionally. It’s also frustrating and patience-draining. I found that even moreso this year. It’s actually been a pretty difficult summer. Ryan and I are in the beginning stages of a together-forever life, and it’s not the easiest transition. Exciting, but also really hard. For me it has been overwhelming to realize that we won’t be able to afford the things I have always been so familiar with. As a lover of Jesus and servant of Him, I’m called to be content in every situation. But how is that possible? I know that the only way I can be okay is with His strength, but what does that look like practically? 

Among all of my worried thoughts and overwhelming emotions, there was S.P.  So, picture the cutest, chubbiest, most freckle-faced, spikey-haired, smirky-smiling ten-year-old boy with a lasting sparkle in his eye. As cute and charming as he is, he doesn’t make things easy. He wants what he wants when he wants it, no sooner and no later. He wants my permanent presence (within close enough distance that I can come running if he calls) but often doesn’t want to actually know I’m there.  He wants people and attention, but it usually becomes too much for him. And when things become too much, he takes it out on the person closest to him. For the summer, that was me. There is a lot that I lost as a result of S. P., including my diamond necklace, some skin from my neck and nose, and a lot of my patience. 

Somebody recently asked me, again, why I would continue to spend my summer with someone so challenging. My first thought was “besides the fact that he completely stole my heart and wouldn’t let go?”

This guy is seriously the most empathetic ten-year-old I have ever met. He is always the first to notice any sign of worry or sadness. And if he ever is the cause of the worry or sadness, he will be the first to give you a hug and apologize (with as much sincerity as his sneaky-smirky-smile will allow), and he'll say "Get those tears out of your eyes. They make me sad."

He also lives by the motto of “When In Doubt, Tell A Joke … or Dance” How could a normal person not enjoy this? Nobody has ever made me laugh as much in one sitting as S.P.  His jokes are super clever (usually consisting of a pun related to his ability to make a ‘move’ on a lady) and his dance moves are 100% original (please just imagine Elvis’s hips crossed with a barn-yard folk dance and a touch of screamo).

He provided me with a new vocabulary as well. When no other word can express what you're feeling, why not create one yourself, right? For example, when a space is too small for you to stretch your legs out, just scream "SMOOKIE!" 3 times. Or 8 times. Whatever makes you feel the best. And when someone says something you don't like? You can smush their lips together and yell "SHOOKIE" until they get the point.

Seriously, I don't know how a person could not love this boy. Despite his brutally honest comments, his habit of wiping his snot on my sleeve, his stinky-blackened-white socks, and his death grip, he’s really the same as you or me. I truly believe that our earthly view of these atypical children is the way God sees us. Difficult, a little dirty, often rude and entirely scattered. 

S.P. knew he needed me. I’m confident of this because of the many times he would pull my arms around himself or lean heavily on my shoulder or look back to make sure I was behind him when he was walking. But sometimes he didn’t want me. Sometimes he wanted to keep his distance and he wanted his independence (don't we all?). In these moments, it wasn’t until he was totally lost that he would cry out my name. He knew he could call me because he knew I wouldn’t leave him. You know how you take out your feelings on the people closest to you, because you know they won't go anywhere? Well, S.P. is a perfect example of that. 

I don't think we are any different than him. We know we need our Saviour, but we don’t always want Him. We avoid, we make excuses, we go our own directions. Until we’re in a crisis. We know He doesn’t leave us so we justify our bad choices. With this in mind, how can we not love the difficult ones around us? Jesus so unconditionally loves us. Even when we don't want him. 

Now back to the question that has been ringing in my head all summer. How am I supposed to be content in every situation? How am I supposed to rely on Jesus’ strength? What does that look like?
Through a little freckle-faced blessing, I got my answer.

It looks like unconditional love given by the best of our ability. 

When our hearts doubt, we can reassure our hearts by loving through our actions and in truth.
For whenever our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts. 1 John 3:18-24

It looks like having wisdom, and keeping our lives focused on His grace. 

When our minds are set fully on Jesus, we can't go wrong.
Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 1 Peter 1:13-15
Keep your life free from the love of money, and be content with what you have. For he has said "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Hebrews 13:5

It looks like taking a little snot on our sweaters, smiling through hurtful comments, carrying around stinky white socks, and bearing scratches on our necks. After all, Jesus bared nails through His hands. 

For Every Broken Heart

Sometimes I look at people who are in their nineties and wonder how they make it.

Nearly a century of living.

Struggling through tiring Monday mornings and Friday afternoon traffic jams. Enduring stifling-hot summers and ice-cold winters. Hearing the familiar sound of sirens speeding down the street on rainy Saturday afternoons. The piercing cries of babies and frail last breaths. The smell of burnt toast. The feeling of failure.

They made it despite the occasional agonizing pain of having a broken heart.

Somehow.

I'm nineteen, not ninety, so I can't tell you how they do it. But I can tell you that I agree with you.

Life is painful.

It hurts when someone rejects you. The cold looks from people in the hallway make you feel like an outsider. It brings tears to your eyes when you have to sit alone at lunch for the third time that week. Your heart aches when your sister says you aren't good enough. When you see people whispering and become convinced they're talking about you. And if your family doesn't want to listen then why would anyone else? Eventually the pain just becomes too much. You need a way out. You need life to become less painful. You want to make it through.

It hurts when you have to continually fake a smile. You're breaking on the inside but you don't want anyone else to know. It's hard to hold yourself together all the time. There are so many things to do. You just don't have time to think about the pain. You become numb. You want to be able to feel again. Hiding isn't easy either. You want to be found. You want someone to pursue you. You want to make it through.

It hurts to hold on to everyone's problems. You try to help but you can't. Nothing works. You feel like you have purpose when you can erase someone else's pain. But when you can't, you just feel hopeless. It's painful to see the hurt in other people, but what about your own? You want someone else to hold everything together for once. You want to make it all go away. You want to make it through.

Broken hearts don't only happen after break ups.

Our hearts break when they can't hold in the emotions anymore.

My mom went to Texas a few weeks ago, and one night my sister was having a conversation with my dad. She was sitting on the edge of her bed and she looked up at him and whispered, "My heart is broken." My dad was a little confused so he stopped what he was doing and turned to her, concerned. "Why?" He asked. She had tears in her eyes. "I just miss Mommy so much."

My sister can describe her emotions so accurately. Another time when my mom was away, she told me and my dad that she "had a little tear in her throat." My mom is so important to my sister. Christy needs her, depends on her, looks to her for encouragement. And when my mom isn't there, her heart breaks. Her tears escape. Her emotions become overwhelming.

We can all relate to that. When somebody who we need isn't there. When we try to hold our emotions in. When we attempt to take the problems of the world upon ourselves. It's overwhelming. Our hearts can't take it. We weren't designed for that.

God designed us to need Him. To respect Him. To know that we can't do anything without Him.

He wants to be near to us. He wants us to need Him.

We can't push Him away when our hearts our broken. He is the only one who can heal.

The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. 
Psalm 34:18

So if you're hurting, He will restore you.
1 Peter 5:10
He will strengthen you. He will place you on a firm foundation. He will heal you (Psalm 4, Psalm 30, Psalm 103, Psalm 107, Isaiah 53, Jeremiah 17, Matthew 8, Matthew 9, Mark 4... you get the picture). He's pretty experienced with healing our pain.

If you're tired, He will give you rest. 
Matthew 11:28-30
He is humble and gentle. He offers us a trade - He takes our heavy burdens, and He gives us a few responsibilities that are much lighter to bear. We follow Him, and He carries our loads.

If you're worried, cast your anxiety on Him. He cares for you. 
1 Peter 5:7
I think it's important to note that we are instructed to cast our anxiety. If you think about someone who casts a fishing rod, they don't just gently place it in the water. They throw it far away. We need to do the same with our worries. Throw your worries all the way to Him, because He knows how to handle every part of your life.

And if you think you can do it all on your own, you can't. For in him, we live, and move, and breathe.
Acts 17:28 
Only in Him. Not with our own strength. Not with somebody else's help. In Him. 

Not every person who lives to be ninety has chosen to follow Him. But I'm positive that those who have chosen to follow Him have lived much more peaceful and rewarding lives. Those who have given Him their lives shine with His love. Their hearts are light. They have an abundance of wisdom to offer, because they have made it through. It can be done. It is completely possible. And with God by your side it's a million times easier. So let Him take your heavy load.

He's holding the entire world in His hands.

There's no need for you to hold it too.

Kayla 

Jerome, Arizona

I may be weak, but Your Spirit's strong in me 

My flesh may fail, but my God you never will