Engaged, Changed, and Rearranged

I've had a lot of emotions in the past three months. Some feelings were expected, others were not. The excitement and the exhilaration were obvious engagement emotions. The fear and the frustration, not as much.

What nobody told me is that it's actually all really overwhelming. The wedding talk gets old. The headintheclouds sensation wears off, and at one point all that's left may be the stark cold reality that everything is going to change. There's no going back. Plans need to be made. Budgets are real things. Money needs to be saved yet somehow also needs to be spent. In truckloads. You are going to be stuck with the same person for the rest of your life. And yes, that can actually be a terrifying thought. The 'I want to be with you forever [insert heart-eye emoji]' feeling is still there, but it can easily become drowned by the fear that comes with creating an entirely new life.

It's not that being engaged isn't romantic and wonderful. It really is. But it quickly becomes not all cliche.

From Mine to Ours

I've realized I am a very selfish person. Somehow I managed to fall back into my four-year-old ways where every item that I cherished in some minuscule way was "MINE." Except now it's more about the figurative money and not the physical items. My life savings are no longer entirely my own. The commitment I made means that my life will now be shared with someone else. I can't make decisions based on my own 'wants.' The things that used to be mine now become ours. 

Wedding Talk Gets Old 

If you're anything like me, you might actually get tired of talking about weddings. I mean, this is the thing you've been dreaming about all your life, but when the 18th person asks you how the wedding plans are going, it might seem like that's the only thing people are interested in. Am I not more than a wedding planner?!  Plus, wedding planning is actually not the most relaxing thing. Somehow looking at the tally of all the prices of all the things you need takes a little fun out of it.

The Unintentional Distance 

Something I never realized was that deciding to be the first of my friends to get married meant creating distance. Suddenly I don't have as much in common with the people around me as I thought I did. I'm stuck in an awkward in-between stage of having all the newly-weds and engaged people being older than me, and all of my own friends being at completely different life-stages. And it's surprisingly unsettling when you have the option of hanging out with people in their mid-to-late twenties who have their own tight-knit group already, or hanging out with people your age who you can't relate to as much as you used to.

Our Family?

Creating a family isn't the easiest thing either. It's sort of brought me back to my teenage days of silent rebellion, when all I wanted was to get out of my family and start my own life. Now here we are, and I don't really want that anymore. I'm torn between building a home with the love of my life, and curling up on the couch between my mom and dad and never leaving. And the whole thing where people say you marry into the family? Well. Yeah. That's a thing.



Now that I've probably made everyone feel like getting married is the worst thing ever, let me just say, weddings are wonderful. Being engaged is wonderful. Being in love is wonderful. Planning for the future is wonderful. Gaining extra siblings is wonderful.

But, it's also terrifying. Stressful. Scary. Emotional. Overwhelming. [insert any other negative emotion]. Nobody ever warned me of that. I mean people said "It's going to be hard." But you know, life is just hard in general. So "hard" doesn't really encompass much.

Let me also say that the terrifying-stressful-scary-emotional-overhwhelmingness of this time in our(mine+Ryan's) lives has one hundred percent been God's way of drawing us nearer to Him.

I think that amidst the planning and excitement we so easily forget who brought us and our loves together in the first place. It's so easy to forget because planning in itself is so naturally under our control. Planning is a really dangerous thing if you think about it. Checkmark after checkmark you can push yourself farther and farther from Him. No wonder fear can so easily overtake.

4 Reminders For The Engaged 

(and everyone else) 

From Isaiah 41:10-14

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand... I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you...  Do not be afraid... do not fear, for I myself will help you," 

You are not alone. 

You have strength.

He will help you. 

He will hold you up. 

So do not be afraid. 

For Every Broken Heart

Sometimes I look at people who are in their nineties and wonder how they make it.

Nearly a century of living.

Struggling through tiring Monday mornings and Friday afternoon traffic jams. Enduring stifling-hot summers and ice-cold winters. Hearing the familiar sound of sirens speeding down the street on rainy Saturday afternoons. The piercing cries of babies and frail last breaths. The smell of burnt toast. The feeling of failure.

They made it despite the occasional agonizing pain of having a broken heart.

Somehow.

I'm nineteen, not ninety, so I can't tell you how they do it. But I can tell you that I agree with you.

Life is painful.

It hurts when someone rejects you. The cold looks from people in the hallway make you feel like an outsider. It brings tears to your eyes when you have to sit alone at lunch for the third time that week. Your heart aches when your sister says you aren't good enough. When you see people whispering and become convinced they're talking about you. And if your family doesn't want to listen then why would anyone else? Eventually the pain just becomes too much. You need a way out. You need life to become less painful. You want to make it through.

It hurts when you have to continually fake a smile. You're breaking on the inside but you don't want anyone else to know. It's hard to hold yourself together all the time. There are so many things to do. You just don't have time to think about the pain. You become numb. You want to be able to feel again. Hiding isn't easy either. You want to be found. You want someone to pursue you. You want to make it through.

It hurts to hold on to everyone's problems. You try to help but you can't. Nothing works. You feel like you have purpose when you can erase someone else's pain. But when you can't, you just feel hopeless. It's painful to see the hurt in other people, but what about your own? You want someone else to hold everything together for once. You want to make it all go away. You want to make it through.

Broken hearts don't only happen after break ups.

Our hearts break when they can't hold in the emotions anymore.

My mom went to Texas a few weeks ago, and one night my sister was having a conversation with my dad. She was sitting on the edge of her bed and she looked up at him and whispered, "My heart is broken." My dad was a little confused so he stopped what he was doing and turned to her, concerned. "Why?" He asked. She had tears in her eyes. "I just miss Mommy so much."

My sister can describe her emotions so accurately. Another time when my mom was away, she told me and my dad that she "had a little tear in her throat." My mom is so important to my sister. Christy needs her, depends on her, looks to her for encouragement. And when my mom isn't there, her heart breaks. Her tears escape. Her emotions become overwhelming.

We can all relate to that. When somebody who we need isn't there. When we try to hold our emotions in. When we attempt to take the problems of the world upon ourselves. It's overwhelming. Our hearts can't take it. We weren't designed for that.

God designed us to need Him. To respect Him. To know that we can't do anything without Him.

He wants to be near to us. He wants us to need Him.

We can't push Him away when our hearts our broken. He is the only one who can heal.

The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. 
Psalm 34:18

So if you're hurting, He will restore you.
1 Peter 5:10
He will strengthen you. He will place you on a firm foundation. He will heal you (Psalm 4, Psalm 30, Psalm 103, Psalm 107, Isaiah 53, Jeremiah 17, Matthew 8, Matthew 9, Mark 4... you get the picture). He's pretty experienced with healing our pain.

If you're tired, He will give you rest. 
Matthew 11:28-30
He is humble and gentle. He offers us a trade - He takes our heavy burdens, and He gives us a few responsibilities that are much lighter to bear. We follow Him, and He carries our loads.

If you're worried, cast your anxiety on Him. He cares for you. 
1 Peter 5:7
I think it's important to note that we are instructed to cast our anxiety. If you think about someone who casts a fishing rod, they don't just gently place it in the water. They throw it far away. We need to do the same with our worries. Throw your worries all the way to Him, because He knows how to handle every part of your life.

And if you think you can do it all on your own, you can't. For in him, we live, and move, and breathe.
Acts 17:28 
Only in Him. Not with our own strength. Not with somebody else's help. In Him. 

Not every person who lives to be ninety has chosen to follow Him. But I'm positive that those who have chosen to follow Him have lived much more peaceful and rewarding lives. Those who have given Him their lives shine with His love. Their hearts are light. They have an abundance of wisdom to offer, because they have made it through. It can be done. It is completely possible. And with God by your side it's a million times easier. So let Him take your heavy load.

He's holding the entire world in His hands.

There's no need for you to hold it too.

Kayla 

Jerome, Arizona

I may be weak, but Your Spirit's strong in me 

My flesh may fail, but my God you never will 

In Any and Every Situation

I was originally going to title this 'All the Reasons Why It's Hard to Have a Mom with Depression.'

My mom has been struggling with depression and burnout for the past five years. The first three years were the worst because she spent the better part of those years in hospitals and rehab. The past two years have been much better. Until now.

Yesterday wasn't the greatest.

The thing is, nobody talks about it. It's just this overhanging feeling of darkness that creeps in every once in a while and results in my mom locking herself in her room for days. She might come out once or twice, but she mostly just stays inside her world of exhaustion and dark solitude. It's not a peaceful kind of quiet.

Depression is a battle, no doubt. But I often think that it's even more challenging as someone who loves God. We're called to have joy. We're called to put our faith in our Healer. We're called to be a living example of His love. So how do you handle it when darkness overcomes you before you can realize what's happening? There are so many expectations of you, and depression makes it extra hard to meet those standards. I'm sure that people have judged my mom, saying that she should just 'get a grip' and follow God more wholeheartedly. Little do they know that my mom is a walking example of God's love. God has simply allowed a different trial to be sent her way than most of us experience.

I keep thinking that the trial is going to be over soon. Actually, I keep thinking the trial has finished. And then it comes back. I think we're all supposed to be developing perseverance, but I haven't been feeling much of that.

It doesn't just affect her. It affects everyone around her. It's like the darkness sweeps over our entire home. But why? God is supposed to get rid of all of that, right?

This is why it's hard.

It's hard because it makes you give up hope. You stop hoping that things will get better, because they never do.
It's hard because it means you don't have a mom to talk to about things. It gets really lonely.
It's hard because it makes you feel like it's your fault. Why did I do to make her depressed?
It's hard because it affects your dad too, and your sister (who has autism). And you feel like you need to hold everyone up.
It's hard because nobody understands. People really just don't know how to respond.

The reason I didn't go with my original title is because God reminded me (thankfully!) that there are blessings in every situation.

I have realized that I need to cling to hope. God gives us hope. Jesus is our Hope. He is our Healer. He is our Saviour. God has saved my mom more times than I can count. He has also saved me, and everyone around me. He has healed my family. I have a hope and an amazing future ahead of me, and this situation has made that abundantly clear.

I have realized that nobody is more reliable than God. He never leaves, He never fails, and He never gets tired. He's the One who I need to rely on.

I have realized that although I am not perfect, I am not always to blame. Everyone struggles. Everyone needs saving (this has become a theme!). And this brings me to my next point...

I have realized that I don't need to save everyone. That's not my job, and it's not my responsibility. That's why we have... a Saviour. That's why He came to earth! To save.  He is in control. Not me!

Finally, I have realized that there is someone who understands everything. Jesus experienced betrayal by His closest friends, so He definitely understands loneliness. He understands what my mom is going through. He understands what it feels like to have a family that is falling apart. He understands. And even more than that - He knows how to respond.
I will never leave you nor forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6)
Give all your worries to Me. (Psalm 55:22)
I care for you. (1 Peter 5:7)
He has it all under control.

Come Thou Fount is one of my favourite hymns. Verses 1 and 4 seem to especially apply to my life.
Verse 1 talks about fountains of blessing, and God's mercy and redeeming love.

My heart longs for His blessings, even if those come in the form of trials. But, my heart will also always wander. Since I fail God every day I will have moments of weakness where I don't long for His blessings.

Verse 4 sings of God's grace. I am beyond thankful for His grace.

He has blessed me abundantly, and even in the midst of trials my wandering heart will be forever thankful.

Kayla

Grand Canyon, Nevada 

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount, I'm fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.