Lessons From 20 Days Of Being Twenty

For years we dream of being older. From the first time the firemen come to our kindergarten class we long to be able to have real grown-up jobs. From the first time we watch Cinderella we long for true love. From the first time we see a newborn baby we long to be mothers.

We live for the day. We dream about the day. We long for the day. The day that is beyond where we are at now. The day where we will have everything we have ever dreamed of.

Dreams are a wonderful thing because they are simply that. Dreams. What everybody tried to tell me (and what I never actually believed) is that the present years are the years to be embraced. We are free to dream, definitely. But we need to be careful to also recognize the past dreams that are being fulfilled at present.

I was reading James 5 this morning and there are three things that stood out to me, probably because they sum up the lessons I have been learning this year and the reality of life (so far) in my twenties.

Patience 

"Be patient, then, brothers [and sisters]" (8) 

Things will not just come to you (and if they ever do, it will not be a regular thing). Work is real.

You will not be rich. In fact, you will probably be the poorest you will be throughout the course of your life. And your parents will not continue to pay for everything. Budgets are real.

Your boyfriend/fiance/husband will be experiencing the same stresses as you. The teenage 'on top of the world' mantra will not last forever. He will not be perfect. His flaws are real.

You will not be the best at everything anymore. You will realize that even though you got the music award, the sportsmanship award, the math award, the science award, the english award, and the french award in highschool you physically cannot be the best at all of those things anymore.

You will have to learn to be patient with the people around you when they try to tell you these things, even though you know you can only learn for yourself. You will have to be patient with your parents as they try to navigate their roles in their young adults' lives. You will have to be patient with your boyfriend/fiance/husband as he tries to make it through this time in your lives as well. And you will have to be patient with yourself as you make mistakes and take some wrong turns on the second-decade-road.

Perseverance

"consider blessed those who have persevered." (11)

Some days you will feel like you're not going to get anywhere. Like when that job you were counting on doesn't work out, when your bank account becomes a couple digits less than you need it to be, when your relationship seems to be teetering on a rock, or when you don't do as well as you were hoping to on your final exam. 

What I've been reminding myself - correction: what God has been reminding me - is that life won't be like this forever. 

This is only a short time in our lives. We are not always going to be broke and confused and searching for our place in this world (at least to the degree we are now) forever. 

But even though it's a short time, it's also an important time. It's a time where we are entirely shaped and moulded into who we are going to be - the individual people who will go out into the world and (hopefully) follow the paths that God has planned. In order to become those people, we need to persevere (perseverance must finish its work so that we may be mature - James 1:4) 

Prayer

"Again he prayed," (18) 

I've been trying to start a new pattern. When I become frustrated or overwhelmed with life or start thinking negatively about a situation, I pray instead.

It sounds so simple, but it is so powerful. Because prayer changes your perspective on everything. It takes the grief out of your own hands, and places it in the hands of the One who can transform anything into joy. And rather than attempting life on your own strength (this has never worked well for me) you then have His strength to carry you.

The other thing about prayer is that it is the key ingredient in your relationship with Him.

Communication is probably the most important part of any relationship. Prayer is communication with the most important One in your life. Prayer brings peace. Prayer brings power.

Prayer brings patience and perseverance and all the other things you need. 

Sweet Serendipity

Oh how God works in crazy ways. 

Last week, the man of my dreams asked me to marry him. It was the best night of my life and I wish that I could relive it over and over again - the suspense, the surprise, the secret scheming of my best friends. But never in a million years would I have ever imagined that this would happen at this point in my life.

Nine months ago I was ready to pack up everything and leave for Africa, become a nun(such a ridiculous thought), sign away my life to med school, or whatever other wild life-changing thing was plausible. After many teenage years of boy-crazy days, longing for the perfect love story, I decided that I didn't want to get married or fall in love anymore. I wanted to do something 'crazy' ... 'for God' (whatever that meant?)  

Ironically, within a month after my new life decision, God dropped someone in front of me - or more like shone a light on him since he had been in my life for the past six years - and pretty much shouted (kindly, but clearly) "Here you go, Kayla!"

I first learned that this word existed when I was in grade 11. My teacher had a pretty-looking poster on the wall with the word decorated in a fancy way. I had no idea what it meant, but I thought it sounded interesting. Last semester I finally found the definition in my statistics textbook: "finding one thing when you are looking for something else." Personally I think that's too beautiful of a definition for a research book.

God is the King of serendipity. 

I was looking for adventure, and instead God brought me love - an adventure in itself. 

I wanted to feel the thrill of freedom. God wanted me to feel a physical representation of His love - in which I would find the greatest thrill and the greatest freedom. 

I think this happens more often than we realize. We go looking for something we think we want, and God surprises us with something else. 

"A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps."  Proverbs 16:9 

Sometimes we think of this verse as comfort, and we preach it to ourselves when we realize we've become control-freaks. Other times we become extremely frustrated when our plans don't work out and we secretly wish that this verse didn't exist. I am the ultimate plan-maker. Seriously. I really like my plans. I like to know what I'm going to find ahead of me. I like to be prepared. And I'm generally not a fan of surprises. But I've been learning that we should always try to find excitement in the unexpected things, because they most often bring the most joy - and joy goes beyond the circumstances.

There are so many big uncertainties ahead. (How is a wedding going to fall into place? How am I going to afford life as a student? What if nobody thinks we're doing the right thing? What if everything falls apart? What if... what if... what if...) 

Slowly, I'm learning how to find freedom and joy in the parts of my life that I'm not sure about. I'm being reminded that God is holding us in the palm of his hand, and I'm learning that the poster in my grade 11 classroom was there for a reason. I'm learning that we might think we are some certain place for one purpose, when really God has us in that place for another, greater purpose.

I'm also learning that everyone is going to have opinions - but ultimately, only God knows.

Only God knows the reason for us being wherever we are.

Only God can lead us in the right direction.

Only God can give us beautifully unexpected changes in direction that are in our best interest.

Only God can compose sweet songs of serendipity, that soothe our wandering, love-longing souls. 

For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:9

Lessons (From A Different Kind Of Summer)

It's sometimes crazy how drastically God can change our plans.

I think most people go into a summer with plans and dreams and mile-long bucket lists - trying to come up with ways to cram every adventure into one wonderful summer of perfect memories.

I don't know if it's the same for anyone else, but my summers never seem to turn out the way I originally plan. For example, last summer I planned on working as many as hours as possible before I started university. Instead, I ended up occasionally babysitting and filling the majority of my time with road trips, camping adventures, photoshoots, and a dream trip to Arizona. It was perfect. And I guess after such an amazing summer last year I had high expectations for this summer as well.

This summer was so different from anything I could have planned.

I had a couple of job options, but I wasn't very excited about any of them. I really didn't know where I was going to end up. Then my mom ran into one of her friends at the grocery store, and she suggested that I apply to work at her daughter's camp. At first I wasn't convinced that committing to a camp for the summer would be the best choice, but I went onto the website anyways. Even though it turned out that the deadline had long passed, my mom encouraged me to apply. I spent an entire night writing a letter of introduction and sent it out in an email, along with my resume. A couple weeks later I got a call from the camp director, and the following week I had an interview. The week after that I had made a commitment to work at camp for the summer. 

It was a special needs camp. And for anyone who knows me, this would seem like the perfect place for me to work. It's where my heart is. I have invested years and years into different children with different needs, all in different places. But the first weeks of this summer were hard. 

We Can't Rely On Ourselves For Anything

I quickly realized that my job was completely exhausting. I would go home each day drained of patience, and wake up barely able to open my eyes enough to safely drive to work. Coffee became my best friend in the morning, but that still left me to struggle through the afternoons.

The problem with camp is that you can't just go through the motions. Especially when there are children who run away or want to be pulled in a wagon or need to be guided through transitions. 

These are the experiences that God puts us through to teach us that we can't do anything without Him.

Prayer is powerful. It is so important to continually bring ourselves back to Him. We are called to consecrate ourselves - to give God the glory by letting Him do what we cannot do for ourselves. When we consecrate ourselves, there is room for His power to be shown (Joshua 3:5).

He is the only real source of patience, grace, happiness, kindness, peace, love -- everything we need. 

There Is Always Something To Learn (And Giving Up Doesn't Work)

I went into the summer thinking I was completely prepared. I've worked with children who have special needs for 6 years - what more would I need to know?

I quickly realized there was whole lot I didn't know. There were schedule systems and transition objects and certain words that I had to remember to use. Then after the first two weeks of camp I thought I had it figured out again. Until a new set of campers came to camp. On top of all that, I realized that eight hours is a long time to be stuck with the same children. And I also learned that not every counsellor has the same opinions.

God always has something to teach us. For me, that included humility, patience, and grace.

When God presents us with situations, we have a choice to either let Him bring us through it and transform us, or turn around and run away. Even though turning around might be the easier choice, it doesn't work. We can't give up on everything that seems challenging. We are called to press on (Philippians 3:14). Paul even wrote that mature Christians will continually act on the guidance that God provides and strive to reach the goal that He has set before them (Philippians 3:15-16).

God wants to stretch us, grow us, and teach us about who He is. He always has a perfect purpose. 

Following God's Will Isn't Always Easy 

For some reason I used to have this idea that if I did what God wanted my life would suddenly become filled with rainbows and butterflies. 

After being sent in a clear direction this summer (in camp and outside of camp), I have realized that God's will is not always found on the easiest path. In fact, it's probably going to be found on the hardest path. What we think is best is probably not God's version of 'the best'. 

Sometimes what's best even means sacrificing everything that we think we so badly want.

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." Matthew 16:24-25

"As they led him away, they seized Simon from Cyrene, who was on his way in from the country, and put the cross on him and made him carry it behind Jesus." Luke 23:26

God loved us enough that He sacrificed what was most important to Him. He wanted the best for us. And in return, our love for Him should be strong enough that we are willing to sacrifice anything (time, money, friendships, and even sleep - that was a hard one for me) that He asks us to. His love will always be enough to satisfy us, no matter what we feel is hard to sacrifice.


>> I always seem to think that I know what I need, but in reality, thinking about my needs isn't the point. Even though God might take away things that are important to me, ask me to sacrifice something, or lead me through difficult situations, it's really not about me. It is all about His glory. When He is glorified, the end result is always perfect. <<

If You Long For Love

Sometimes I have wondered what it would be like to have someone love me like in the movies. You know that pursuing, unconditional, spontaneous, lasting kind of love? It probably sounds cheesy, but I think every girl longs for that somewhere deep inside them. It's just part of who we are.

So often, we are willing to do anything for love. Whether that means moving somewhere to widen our horizons, putting aside our integrity, rushing through life, deceiving our families, and even deceiving ourselves. We design ideal scenarios in our heads, we daydream of perfect fantasies, we wish that our lives were fairytales.

The longing is so inherent. So persistent. So consuming.

I used to think I deserved to be loved. As if I had an entitlement to it. I longed to feel cherished and protected, and I convinced myself I was worthless when I didn't feel that way. I based my worth on my feelings. On the way other people viewed me. On imperfect reasoning and flawed judgement.

Why does it even matter what other people think? Their opinions don't define love.

Love is not a reward for meeting a standard.

Yesterday I had a conversation with one of my friends who had come to church with me for the first time. She was talking to me and another one of our friends about how she's really thankful for our friendships. I forget her exact words, but they were something along the lines of "I'm thankful that I have friends who love me. I mean it's not like we would ever die for each other or anything, but I'm still thankful."

"It's not like we would ever die for each other." 

In all the movies you have ever watched, all those feel-good comedies and happy-ending dramas, think of all the times that someone has sacrificed their life for someone. Or even just sacrificed something.

Jack lets Rose have the raft so she won't freeze.
Peter Parker risks his life to save Mary Jane.
Rapunzel gives up her freedom so Flynn can be healed.
Then Flynn gives up his life so Rapunzel can be free.
Noah sacrifices his time so he can read to Allie.
Captain von Trapp gives up everything so his family can be safe.
Tim gives up his dad so he can be with his wife and children.
Olaf is willing to melt for Anna.
Anna dies so Elsa can live.

Sacrifice is everywhere.

And this isn't an original Hollywood idea. It's definitely not from such a self-centred world where everything is about self-improvement and personal wealth and materialistic happiness. Tiffany rings and dinners at Baton Rouge. Crimson roses and heart-shaped chocolates.

Does this world even know what love is?

"It's not like we would ever die for each other." 

It's so fitting that my friend chose those words. As if somewhere deep inside, her heart was longing for that exact thing.

To die for someone. To sacrifice yourself. Now this is love. 

How heartbreaking is it that so many of us don't know what love really means? That we don't know how to satisfy the love that we long for? We try to fill the gaps with sweet words and emotional highs. Even with families and children and the busyness of work. We think that accomplishments will fill our need for love. We want to have a purpose. We want to know we're important to the world.

This is real love - not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins. 1 John 4:10 

This is the absolute greatest love story ever told. This is the love story that we all long for. That we were designed for.

We want someone to love us this way. To give up everything. To go to the ends of the earth for us. To love us no matter how imperfect we are. To go through agony and pain just so that we don't have to. To give us a reason to live. To die for us.

Usually we celebrate love on Valentine's Day. But there is so much love wrapped up in Easter and Christmas, and every other day for that matter.

Someone loved you with so much powerful love that He died for you. He took the weight of the world upon Himself so that you wouldn't have to (John 19:17). He paid the price in full (John 19:30). He didn't have to do it. We are completely imperfect and completely saturated with sin. We don't deserve to be loved and we have no entitlement to it. But He chose to die for us. He wanted to.

This is why love is not a reward for measuring up.

This is why we have purpose.

The reality of love says that you are worth dying for - no matter what you have done or what you will do. The reality of love is the reason you are alive right now. You are deeply treasured and gently cherished.

This where our passions should grow from. Not from fairytale day dreams, but from real love. He is love. And He is so much greater than anything else.

You are being pursued by the one and only God who gave up everything and died for you.

And as for your wish for a perfect love story?

It has already come true.


-Kayla 

Katie Cottrell Photography

Agape: selfless, sacrificial, unconditional love that only comes from God. 

The Beauty of Imperfection

Recently I have realized that there are so many things that I would love to spend the rest of my life doing.

I absolutely love baking, so I think it would be really fun to spend my life working in a little bake shop in a small town in the middle of nowhere. I would love to talk with the people who come in for a morning cup of coffee, and I would love to hand out cookies to little children whose parents bring them for a small treat. 

I also love writing. Becoming an author has always been one of my dreams. I would love to get lost in the stories that God places on my heart. I could travel the world and hold book signings. I could encourage thousands of people through God-inspired words. 

In grade 12, my history teacher told each of us his thoughts about our future careers. He told me that he could see me becoming "Super Kayla." I'm not really sure what he meant by that, but I think I would love that too. 

Then there are the more practical dreams. 

I have always told everyone that I want to be a Speech Language Pathologist. And part of me still wants that. I would love to spend my life helping children learn to communicate and express themselves. It would definitely be rewarding. 

But on the other hand, if I'm going to be spending the next six years (or more) in school, will that really be enough? 

The idea of doing something 'bigger' has been speaking to my heart in every way for the past month, and the feeling won't disappear. Just when I think the idea has finally faded, someone else mentions it (like Kari Jobe at her concert in Toronto... that could not have been a coincidence!) and it's like God is whispering, "You can't run from my plan." 

I need to stop acting like Jonah. 

I can't deny that God has this amazingly-unexpected plan for me. I know exactly what He wants me to do. 

The problem right now is that I can see the end result, but I can't see how to get there. I can't see how all of my random, un-related dreams are going to fit into the plan that He has. And to be honest I don't even understand how this 'big' thing could be His plan for me in the first place. 

Sometimes I don't feel smart enough. I try so hard to do everything right. I obsess over every sentence down to the most unimportant comma, trying to make things exactly perfect so that there is no way I can fail. But sometimes my efforts still aren't enough.

Sometimes I don't feel strong enough. I become so tired after a few hours of school that I can't even bring myself to finish my next reading. 

Sometimes I'm not patient. Sometimes I'm scared to go to new places, or to even leave my house. And sometimes I don't want to be the one who always listens to everyone else. 

I am so completely imperfect.

How could He have such an exciting plan for me? 

Last night I went to a worship concert with a bunch of my friends, and I was standing in a crowd of people listening to a song I had heard many times before, but when I listened last night it hit me in a completely different way. 

So patient

So gracious

So merciful and true

So wonderful in all You do 

You fill me

You see me

You know my every move

You love for me to sing to you

I know that you are for me 

I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness

I know you that you have come down

Even if to write upon my heart

To remind me who you are 

You Are For Me - Kari Jobe

Wow. 

He is everything that we are not. 

And even though we aren't good enough on our own, He doesn't abandon us. He chooses to stay. 

He stays with us so that He can fill us with all of the qualities that we naturally lack. 

How could we run from the One who fills us with everything that we are? We need to be filled. 

We can't distance ourselves from the One who is writing our story - outlining a production that will allow us shine. Our dreams will be fulfilled to the highest degree of success. Our needs will be met. Our heavenly desires will be provided for. 

Only if we allow Him to fill us with His perfection. 

1 John 4:12 says that "God abides in us and and His love is perfected in us."

God's grace says that it's okay for us to not be perfect. It's okay for us to lack the qualities that we think we need because God is here to meet our needs. We need His love and His grace. (Ephesians 2:8)

He wants to be with us so that He can complete us. So that He can provide for us and support us and cleanse us of our imperfections. That's the whole reason Jesus died. So that we might be "without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish." (Ephesians 5:25-27)

God is very aware of the dreams and plans that each of us have - even if they are hidden in the farthest corners of our heart.

He knows all of our solitary secrets and whispered wishes. 

He knows everything that we lack when we are on our own.

But despite our imperfections, we are beautiful. 

Because of Him.

Kayla 

Photo Credit: Katie Cottrell

1 John 4:18 - There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. 

A Thousand Shades of Blue

Sometimes I feel so lost.

Sometimes things are really clear and I can see God in everything. And other times it's like all I can see is thousands of miles of sky and water in every direction. I feel like I'm drowning in a world of blue.

Maybe for a while God and I are sailing on this boat together, having an amazing time. He shows me the incredible works of His hands, opening my eyes in so many ways.

Then I find myself on a raft in the middle of the ocean. Alone.

Last week God did some miraculous things in my life. He sent me in a new career direction (one of the most exciting things that has ever happened to me!) and I gained the opportunity to help lead a Bible study for younger girls. My best friend and I were able to encourage each other, and I felt like I was going to explode with His love. I realized that God loves to surprise us. He loves to see our reactions to the unexpected blessings that He provides. I was truly so excited for all that He has in store for me.

I still feel that way. But at the same time there are so many things happening around me that are trying to fight that joy. Things that are retaliating against His miracles. Things that are oppose His peace.

Those things make us feel alone. They focus our eyes on the thousands of shades of blue. We become lost in the vast emptiness around us. We become fearful. Anxiety and confusion take control. We become paralyzed.

I find it incredible that God has opened my eyes to new opportunities. The problem is that I have no idea how I'm going to get to where He wants me to be. That terrifies me.

Another problem is that I really don't like change. I don't like when I have to re-evaluate my life. I don't like when people move on without me. I don't like when I don't have a say in things. I don't even like when the grapes get moved from their place on the top shelf of the fridge. I like organization. I like consistency. I like predictability.

But how selfish is that? Since when is life about me?

It's not about me at all. It's not about what I want. Compared to God, I don't know anything about life. He has a master plan detailing every moment of my existence. I can't even see past the next wave.

Life has nothing to do with being alone on a raft in the middle of the ocean. God never dumps anyone out of the boat. That's something that we imagine.

Being alone is a choice that takes place somewhere inside an anxious mind.

We forget that God is steering the ship. We are the ones who mistakenly attempt to change the direction of the sails. We forget to acknowledge His existence. When that happens, the ship begins to feel empty.

Loneliness plagues the open waters and falls from the sky.

It blinds us to the sight of our Master.

It deafens us to His comforting, miracle-working voice which commands us (and the waves) to "Be still." (Psalm 46:10, Mark 4:39)

You are never alone. 

He is the God of All Creation. He is constant in every moment. (Psalm 46:1)

The truth is that He will never abandon you (Deuteronomy 31:6, 8).

It is your choice whether to acknowledge that He is on this journey right beside you. It is your choice to accept that He is in control of the ship that you are on. It is your choice to stop trying to take control of the sails.

He knows exactly where you need to be.

He knows your secret dreams. He knows your deepest desires. He knows your potential. 

Let Him be your Captain.

He will conquer the waves with you.

Kayla 

For it became him, for whom are all things, and by whom are all things, in bringing many sons until glory, to make the Captain of their salvation perfect through suffering.
Hebrews 2:10