Sweet Serendipity

Oh how God works in crazy ways. 

Last week, the man of my dreams asked me to marry him. It was the best night of my life and I wish that I could relive it over and over again - the suspense, the surprise, the secret scheming of my best friends. But never in a million years would I have ever imagined that this would happen at this point in my life.

Nine months ago I was ready to pack up everything and leave for Africa, become a nun(such a ridiculous thought), sign away my life to med school, or whatever other wild life-changing thing was plausible. After many teenage years of boy-crazy days, longing for the perfect love story, I decided that I didn't want to get married or fall in love anymore. I wanted to do something 'crazy' ... 'for God' (whatever that meant?)  

Ironically, within a month after my new life decision, God dropped someone in front of me - or more like shone a light on him since he had been in my life for the past six years - and pretty much shouted (kindly, but clearly) "Here you go, Kayla!"

I first learned that this word existed when I was in grade 11. My teacher had a pretty-looking poster on the wall with the word decorated in a fancy way. I had no idea what it meant, but I thought it sounded interesting. Last semester I finally found the definition in my statistics textbook: "finding one thing when you are looking for something else." Personally I think that's too beautiful of a definition for a research book.

God is the King of serendipity. 

I was looking for adventure, and instead God brought me love - an adventure in itself. 

I wanted to feel the thrill of freedom. God wanted me to feel a physical representation of His love - in which I would find the greatest thrill and the greatest freedom. 

I think this happens more often than we realize. We go looking for something we think we want, and God surprises us with something else. 

"A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps."  Proverbs 16:9 

Sometimes we think of this verse as comfort, and we preach it to ourselves when we realize we've become control-freaks. Other times we become extremely frustrated when our plans don't work out and we secretly wish that this verse didn't exist. I am the ultimate plan-maker. Seriously. I really like my plans. I like to know what I'm going to find ahead of me. I like to be prepared. And I'm generally not a fan of surprises. But I've been learning that we should always try to find excitement in the unexpected things, because they most often bring the most joy - and joy goes beyond the circumstances.

There are so many big uncertainties ahead. (How is a wedding going to fall into place? How am I going to afford life as a student? What if nobody thinks we're doing the right thing? What if everything falls apart? What if... what if... what if...) 

Slowly, I'm learning how to find freedom and joy in the parts of my life that I'm not sure about. I'm being reminded that God is holding us in the palm of his hand, and I'm learning that the poster in my grade 11 classroom was there for a reason. I'm learning that we might think we are some certain place for one purpose, when really God has us in that place for another, greater purpose.

I'm also learning that everyone is going to have opinions - but ultimately, only God knows.

Only God knows the reason for us being wherever we are.

Only God can lead us in the right direction.

Only God can give us beautifully unexpected changes in direction that are in our best interest.

Only God can compose sweet songs of serendipity, that soothe our wandering, love-longing souls. 

For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:9

If You Long For Love

Sometimes I have wondered what it would be like to have someone love me like in the movies. You know that pursuing, unconditional, spontaneous, lasting kind of love? It probably sounds cheesy, but I think every girl longs for that somewhere deep inside them. It's just part of who we are.

So often, we are willing to do anything for love. Whether that means moving somewhere to widen our horizons, putting aside our integrity, rushing through life, deceiving our families, and even deceiving ourselves. We design ideal scenarios in our heads, we daydream of perfect fantasies, we wish that our lives were fairytales.

The longing is so inherent. So persistent. So consuming.

I used to think I deserved to be loved. As if I had an entitlement to it. I longed to feel cherished and protected, and I convinced myself I was worthless when I didn't feel that way. I based my worth on my feelings. On the way other people viewed me. On imperfect reasoning and flawed judgement.

Why does it even matter what other people think? Their opinions don't define love.

Love is not a reward for meeting a standard.

Yesterday I had a conversation with one of my friends who had come to church with me for the first time. She was talking to me and another one of our friends about how she's really thankful for our friendships. I forget her exact words, but they were something along the lines of "I'm thankful that I have friends who love me. I mean it's not like we would ever die for each other or anything, but I'm still thankful."

"It's not like we would ever die for each other." 

In all the movies you have ever watched, all those feel-good comedies and happy-ending dramas, think of all the times that someone has sacrificed their life for someone. Or even just sacrificed something.

Jack lets Rose have the raft so she won't freeze.
Peter Parker risks his life to save Mary Jane.
Rapunzel gives up her freedom so Flynn can be healed.
Then Flynn gives up his life so Rapunzel can be free.
Noah sacrifices his time so he can read to Allie.
Captain von Trapp gives up everything so his family can be safe.
Tim gives up his dad so he can be with his wife and children.
Olaf is willing to melt for Anna.
Anna dies so Elsa can live.

Sacrifice is everywhere.

And this isn't an original Hollywood idea. It's definitely not from such a self-centred world where everything is about self-improvement and personal wealth and materialistic happiness. Tiffany rings and dinners at Baton Rouge. Crimson roses and heart-shaped chocolates.

Does this world even know what love is?

"It's not like we would ever die for each other." 

It's so fitting that my friend chose those words. As if somewhere deep inside, her heart was longing for that exact thing.

To die for someone. To sacrifice yourself. Now this is love. 

How heartbreaking is it that so many of us don't know what love really means? That we don't know how to satisfy the love that we long for? We try to fill the gaps with sweet words and emotional highs. Even with families and children and the busyness of work. We think that accomplishments will fill our need for love. We want to have a purpose. We want to know we're important to the world.

This is real love - not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins. 1 John 4:10 

This is the absolute greatest love story ever told. This is the love story that we all long for. That we were designed for.

We want someone to love us this way. To give up everything. To go to the ends of the earth for us. To love us no matter how imperfect we are. To go through agony and pain just so that we don't have to. To give us a reason to live. To die for us.

Usually we celebrate love on Valentine's Day. But there is so much love wrapped up in Easter and Christmas, and every other day for that matter.

Someone loved you with so much powerful love that He died for you. He took the weight of the world upon Himself so that you wouldn't have to (John 19:17). He paid the price in full (John 19:30). He didn't have to do it. We are completely imperfect and completely saturated with sin. We don't deserve to be loved and we have no entitlement to it. But He chose to die for us. He wanted to.

This is why love is not a reward for measuring up.

This is why we have purpose.

The reality of love says that you are worth dying for - no matter what you have done or what you will do. The reality of love is the reason you are alive right now. You are deeply treasured and gently cherished.

This where our passions should grow from. Not from fairytale day dreams, but from real love. He is love. And He is so much greater than anything else.

You are being pursued by the one and only God who gave up everything and died for you.

And as for your wish for a perfect love story?

It has already come true.


-Kayla 

Katie Cottrell Photography

Agape: selfless, sacrificial, unconditional love that only comes from God. 

I Am Yours

I grew up in a small school and an even smaller church.

I liked it that way because it was safe. I knew everyone, and everyone knew me.

They knew that I could play the piano, that I was a leader, and that I was smart. They also knew that I wasn't good at sports and I didn't like being stared at, so they never made me feel uncomfortable. I had blonde hair and blue eyes and I loved writing. I wanted to be a speech language pathologist and my favourite colour was purple. I loved the Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montana. My mom was a teacher, my sister had autism, and my dad was a welder.

That was me, inside and out. I didn't have to prove myself. I had purpose. 

When I was 12, I moved from a church of 100 to a church of 1000.

Culture shock.

Suddenly, I wasn't the blonde-haired, blue-eyed, piano-playing, purple-loving, potential author.

I was one face in a crowd of hundreds. I was one 12 year old girl among ten.

I wasn't the best at playing the piano. And there were a lot of people who were smart.

Nobody cared that I didn't like being stared at, so I started this whole new thing where my face turned ten shades of red every time somebody made eye contact with me. People came to know me as 'that shy girl' or 'Kayla who doesn't talk.'

That wasn't who I used to be. I no longer had purpose.

When I was 14, I moved from a school of under 200, to a school of almost 2000. From a class of 11, to a class of 300.

I wasn't the blonde-haired, blue-eyed, piano-playing, purple-loving, potential author.

I was one face in a crowd of thousands. I was one 14 year old girl among hundreds.

Nobody cared that I had been valedictorian. There were ten more of those. Nobody cared that I loved to write. So did 50 other people. At one point I became known as 'blue sweater girl' because nobody cared about my name. There were six other Kaylas.

Despite my identity struggle, I eventually became known for a few things.

Being a teacher's pet (Embarrassing but true - I actually had more teacher friends than student friends)
Being an overachiever (I went beyond perfectionism)
Being blonde (Not because of my hair colour)
Playing the piccolo (I was the one who had the honour of piercing everyone's ears)
Being friends with Hailey Schwass (the smartest girl in school)

And (to my surprise) for loving God.

I didn't fully realize this until I went back for commencement this past fall. Somehow I ended up with the "Brooklin Village Church Award." I'm not entirely sure how this happened because I had never been a leader in the Christian group and I was never someone who outwardly evangelized in school. I had always tried to demonstrate servant-like qualities, and I tried to spread God's love. I hoped that people would see a difference in me. But I never felt like I had enough confidence to be significant (remember I lost all my 'Kayla-qualities').

Someone must have seen potential in me.

Someone saw my purpose even though I couldn't see it myself.

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me.
(Psalm 108:8)

I had no idea where my life was going when I was in highschool. I mean, I knew what I wanted to do. And I knew in my head that God was taking me somewhere. But my heart often questioned if He had a plan.

Of course He did.

He shone through me when I didn't think that I was making a difference. He was (and is still) fulfilling His purpose. 

Now back to where I started.

All those things that I thought defined me (blonde-haired, blue-eyed, piano-playing, purple-loving, potential author) were really not the important things.

We all have different gifts, each of which came because of the grace God gave us ... Anyone who has the gift of serving should serve. Anyone who has the gift of teaching should teach. Whoever has the gift of encouraging others should encourage. Whoever has the gift of giving to others should give freely. Anyone who has the gift of being a leader should try hard when he leads. Whoever has the gift of showing mercy to others should do so with joy. Your love must be real.
(Romans 12: 6-9a)

I felt so lost when I believed that other people provided me with my purpose. I felt like I didn't have a reason to be here.

We have all been provided with incredible gifts. Gifts that come from God. We need to use God's gifts intentionally. We will find the most joy when we are doing what we were created to do.

That doesn't mean that it's wrong to be good at other things or to love doing other things. But don't let that become who you are. 

You are a person who has been fearfully and wonderfully made. You are chosen (1 Peter 2:9). You are forgiven (Colossians 2:13-14). You are dearly loved (Colossians 3:12). You are a masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10). You might have the gift of serving, teaching, encouraging, giving, or leading.

Everything else is simply an extra blessing.

You have a purpose in Christ.
You were created for that purpose.
Your purpose is being fulfilled.
And most importantly...

You belong.


Kayla 

Photo Credit: Katie Cottrell 

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine