What Every University Student Needs To Know

In 9 days I will be finished my first year of university, and I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around that. It seems like 2 days ago I was frantically walking around the halls looking for room 114 and quickly trying to find the right seat that would be the perfect distance from the front.

I have learned so many important things this year. Of course I don't have as many experiences as someone who has graduated, or even someone in second or third year, but I think that God has shown me some pretty fundamental things.

I graduated grade 12 with my life figured out. I was going to major in psychology and minor in linguistics, and I was going to take only one English course, graduate in exactly 4 years (not a single day more), and spend 2 years taking my Master of Health Sciences in Speech Language Pathology at the University of Toronto (not anywhere else). Then I would be hired at either Bloorview, Sick Kids, or Grandview (a little bit of flexibility there), and somewhere in that mix I would find time to get married and live happily ever after.

When I started university this past fall, that was my mindset. My life was set in stone because that's the way I liked it. When there aren't any grey areas, everything is pretty comfortable right? So I went straight to the academic advisor and told him the exact courses I would like to take and when I would like to finish them. He kindly suggested that I allow myself some flexibility because students tend to change their minds, and I kindly responded that I really wasn't like every other student and I would most definitely not be changing my mind about anything.

God tends to shake things up when we don't have the right mindset.

It turns out I really don't like university English, and some parts of psychology aren't so great either. Health sciences are apparently my favourite thing now? And after volunteering at a specialized communication preschool I realized that speech language pathology isn't as exciting as I once thought. On top of all that, I ended up only being able to take four courses each semester so that means I'll graduate in 4.5 years instead of my personal, and very exact, 4 year deadline.

So to every university student, and anyone who likes to have control, here is what I have learned:

You don't have to have your life figured out 
I really think it's hard for us to let go of control. There is comfort in holding onto life's steering wheel because then the road that we are on lines up with the map in our head. Maybe it's just me, but having things figured out in my mind makes life seem pretty safe and secure.

The problem with that way of thinking is that if we only follow the map in our head, we will never have any idea what other roads offer. We get stuck in our point of view because we think our plan is great.

But what about something greater?

Think about how God has a birds-eye-view of everything (Job 28:24). He knows what's out there. He can see exactly where you fit into the huge world (Psalm 139:16), and sometimes He might want to turn the steering wheel so you can end up in that perfectly fitting place.

Be open to a change of direction.

God doesn't see you the way you see yourself
Going into my first year (and actually just going into life in general) I was (and still sometimes am) really hard on myself. This year I was trying to maintain a scholarship with tagged-on (really high!) expectations. Being someone who already has high expectations of myself, this didn't help.

Losing 0.33% of a grade because I circled one wrong answer was not okay. Neither was getting one 'X' on a syntactic tree (even without a mark deduction) because I extended a line too far. And it was definitely not okay to lose 2 marks for forgetting to fill in one column of an online lab chart. (The fact that I still remember every detail of those mistakes shows that I am clearly a work in progress!)

In my mind, all of these things were interfering with the way everybody else was going to see me.

Does anybody really care that I forgot to fill in that column? Probably not. In the big picture of life, those things aren't even visible.

The even better news is that to God, none of our mistakes are visible. He has promised to "never again remember our sins" (Hebrews 8:12) once we submit to Him.

This promise of grace is so incredibly relieving. Because of His Grace, we don't have to continually strive. We don't have to meet the expectations that the world places on us, because He has overcome the world (John 16:33).


Being thankful will change your life 
This year I learned how powerful it is to simply be thankful.

It's really easy to appear thankful and say you're thankful without really meaning it, but when you truly are thankful from the bottom of your heart, with every part of your being, it is powerful. 

Worries, plans, stress, frustration, anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, caving under pressure (all the common emotions that rise up especially in university) - all of these feelings evaporate to the heavens when you choose to be thankful. When you take a minute to rest in the present moment and thank God for all He has blessed you with.

It is impossible to be worried when you think about everything that God has given you and what a powerful and merciful God He is.

Completely perspective-changing.


There are more important things than school 
I went into university with sort of a 'get in and get out' mindset. I wasn't there to have fun and make friends, I was there to learn. It took me almost 2 semesters to learn that having friends and spending time together outside of lectures is actually stress-relieving.

Time isn't going to stop while you're in school. Life keeps moving. We need to make the most of the time that has been given to us. Some days you are definitely going to have to spend hours upon hours studying and finishing assignments, (some days just aren't the greatest!) but there's a balance. Take breaks! Go meet a friend for lunch, have a movie night, even invite a friend to study with you if you really can't pull yourself away from it.

John 15:13 says "There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends." Make sure you invest in your relationships. Don't let people drift away and don't miss out on memories. It's important for people (friends & family) to know that you care, even amongst the busyness of your life. Sometimes it might be important to sacrifice that extra hour of study time for someone. School (and the confusion at this point in your life) isn't forever, but your friends & family will be.

And no matter how busy you feel or how stressed-out you are, time with Jesus is essential. Nothing is as important as your relationship with Him. When you choose to be still in His presence, the plan that He has for you will become so clear, and peace will take over your life (Philippians 4:6-7).

--

You might know exactly where you're going. You might be able to see very clearly the direction that God is taking you.

You might be worried because your future looks misty. You might want to give God control but you don't know how to.

Or you might not really care where God wants to take you so you're holding on to control as tightly as you can.

But no matter where you are, where you think you're going, or where you have been:

Choose to be open. Choose to be thankful. And know that He is giving you peace and direction with open arms.

Your future is safe. 

And you are going to do amazing things.


- Kayla 

I know that Your love breaks my fall 

Scandal of grace, You died in my place so my soul will live 

Cornflower Blue (For Everyone Who Fears The Unknown)

When people ask me why I worry about things, I often say it's because I hate change. Or because I don't like the idea of the unknown.

I really like when things are black or white. I like clear boundaries and expectations. I like preparation and familiarity.

Every so often I long for a sprinkle of change and surprise and adventure. Sometimes it definitely is good to switch things up. Like reorganizing a room or trying out a new recipe. And there definitely is a thrill in going on a spontaneous road trip to enjoy some new scenery, or going on an expedition to an unknown place.

It's the change that we have no control over that's the problem. When we're forced to tip-toe into the unfamiliar territory. Or plunge head-first in some cases.

It's the grey areas.

They are so many problems with grey. It's the colour of stifling smoke. Soggy slush. Filmy fog. Murky mud. It's so unclear. Suffocating.  Depressing. Blinding. Dirty.

Terrifying.

At least when everything is black, your eyes can rest and you know where you're supposed to be. All you have to do is stand in one place.

In the grey areas you can't see your feet touching the ground. You are constantly searching for the light. For a moment of clarity. For reassurance that your feet are secure. You don't rest. You walk in circles and zig-zag lines. Desperate. Trying to find an unknown destination.

That is the problem with grey. It's a colour of frenzied confusion and miserable discomfort.

--

So what do you need to remember when you find yourself in the midst of the fog?

1. Navigating is not our job. 
Nobody ever said that we have to figure out a cure for the grey areas of life. Just like we have no control over the morning fog, we have no control over the every-day unknowns.

Job 37:6 says that God knows the 'balancing of the clouds.'

It is not our place to navigate through the world. He has control. His job is to understand the fog and make things clear to our human eyes in His perfect timing.


2. There is no such thing as 'the unknown.'
The unknowns of life are only unknown to us. Our stories have already been written, and our job is to have faith in the One who knows us best.

Job 28:24 says that 'He sees everything under the heavens.'

We serve the most incredible God who is Ever-Present and All-Knowing.

His plans for us are incomprehensible (Ephesians 3:20).


3. Just because you can't see the end does not mean you are alone.
Even better than the fact that He knows everything about us (Psalm 139), He has given us the option of spending every moment with Him.

When we are unsure about where to go next, when we can't see where our feet are standing or the path in front of us, we simply need to look beside us and grab onto The Hands that shaped the world in the first place.

He goes before us, and He stands beside us (Deuteronomy 31:8).

--

The grey areas are a time to practice trusting. No matter what the situation. Whether it's your future that seems grey or even the next minute of your life.

These areas aren't really grey at all. They aren't ugly or suffocating or depressing.

Growth happens in the grey. Hope shines in the grey. Trust builds in the grey.

Sky blue. Bleu de France. Tiffany box blue. Blueberry blue. Ocean blue. Periwinkle. 

We are in between the faint Baby Blue of our beginning and the rich Royal Blue that will be our entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven.

We are in the Cornflower Blue.

And it is a beautiful place to be.


Kayla

Stephen Buchan

I know who goes before me, I know who stands behind

The God of angel armies is always by my side 

Eucharisteo & The Sound of Rain

Thanks.

I have often felt burdened by that word.

It's a tag-on. A formality. Something children are taught to say when they're learning their manners. Something you say when you don't know how else to respond. Sometimes it's used at the end of a letter. Sometimes it's used sarcastically. Then there's the holiday version of it. Everyone is always so 'thankful' on that one day of the year.

Most of the time it is really just said so that people will think you're polite and kind and a morally good person.

'Thanks' is probably among one of the first words you were taught. You probably had to say 'thank you' to the kind stranger who held the door open for you. And you probably had to say 'thank you' when your mom handed you a cookie, or when your older sibling let you play with their toy.

If you think back to the first prayer that you ever learned (or even just heard) it also probably had some form of 'thanks' in it. "Thanks" is most likely one of the first things you ever said to Jesus. "Thank you Jesus for our food." "Thank you for dying on the cross." "Thank you for mommy and daddy and my house and my dog and my sister..."

Thankfulness comes so naturally for children (once they learn the word). They can think of so many things that they're thankful for. When I was younger, I would pretty much just list off everything that came to mind when somebody asked what I was thankful for. From the lamp beside my bed to my friend who lived in Sweden.

As I became older, I started to avoid the 'thanks' part of my prayers. It might have been because there were too many things that I was 'supposed' to be thankful for and it would just have taken too long to say them all. Or it could have been because it was just easier to ask for things and talk about all the problems I had. I would lie in bed saying my end-of-a-long-day prayer silently in my head, and my mind would drift. I would start off with "thank you for this day" and then I would quickly end up telling God how I had a ton of homework that I didn't get done, how I was stressed all day because I barely had time to eat, how my parents didn't understand me. Then I would talk to him about my friend drama and the person in class who had frustrated me. I would ask him to fix it all. And then - oh yeah! I forgot to apologize for yelling at my sister. So I would quickly ask for forgiveness for that. Then I would throw in an afterthought - "Thank you for loving me" or "Thank you for my family" - just so I didn't feel as guilty. And maybe I would end with telling Him how great He is and how I loved Him too.

So many demands. So little thanks.

When it came down to it, 'thank you' had lost its meaning for me (as did talking to God altogether, but that's a story for another time!).

A couple weeks ago I was challenged to think of 1000 things that I am thankful for.

When I heard that for the first time, one part of me was thinking "that's going to be so easy" and another part of me was thinking "I don't have time to write all of that down!" No part of me even considered that it actually might be an important thing to do.

Thanks still might have no meaning to you, and you might be reading these words thinking "she's just giving me another reminder to be thankful..." But I'm not going to give another reminder. Seriously just think about this. Think about every time you have ever been angry, upset, worried, bored, jealous, or impatient. In those moments did thankfulness have a home?

For me personally, my answer would be no.

When our hearts are ungrateful, our thoughts our pointless and our minds become darkened (Romans 1:20-22). God becomes angry when we don't thank him. Without thanks there is no joy. Without thanks we don't have the capacity, ability, or strength to accept God's grace.

Why?

Because joy and grace are within thanksgiving.

The story of Jesus giving thanks for a loaf of bread is what helped me understand all of this.

Luke 22:19 says that Jesus took some bread and gave thanks. The Greek translation of 'gave thanks' is eucharisteo. In a previous post I talked about the Greek word for grace, which is charis. This is also the root word of eucharisteo. To take this even further, the root of charis is chara. Chara means joy. 

So why does this matter?

At the heart of thanksgiving, there are grace and joy. Happiness is found in thanksgiving. God's gift of grace is found in thanksgiving.

Don't we all want that gift? Don't we all want to be happy?

See, there is power in thanksgiving. Not the holiday, but the action.

It changes absolutely everything.

Thanksgiving reminds us that our lives are gifts. That this world is not our own. God provides us with everything so that we can go to Him with thanks and receive the joy and grace that He wants to offer us.

I never thought that focusing on what I am thankful for would be a life-changing challenge.

When we focus on being thankful instead of giving anxiety the power to overwhelm us, peace reigns.
When we focus on being thankful instead of allowing anger to grow in our hearts, we find forgiveness. 
When we focus on being thankful instead of justifying jealousy, satisfaction resides in our souls. 

Thanksgiving brings everything to your life.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above." James 1:17

Joy.
Grace.
Peace.

Eucharisteo.


Kayla

Photo Credit: Katie Cottrell

For all Your goodness I will keep on singing, 10 000 reasons for my heart to find

My First 10 Thanks
1. Divine grace that frees me from the strive for perfection.
2. A God who loves me despite my failures.
3. A family who will never give up on me.
4. Friends who unconditionally accept me.
5. A home & country where I am safe & free to love my Saviour.
6. The opportunity & ability to pursue an education & career.
7. Never-ending provision. In every way. All of my needs are met.
8. The sound of beautifully orchestrated melodies, giggling babies, & singing robins in the spring.
9. The warmth of sunshine, the beauty of snowflakes, and the sound of rain at night.
10. Soft fuzzy blankets & earl-grey tea.
[990 more to go] :)

The Beauty of Imperfection

Recently I have realized that there are so many things that I would love to spend the rest of my life doing.

I absolutely love baking, so I think it would be really fun to spend my life working in a little bake shop in a small town in the middle of nowhere. I would love to talk with the people who come in for a morning cup of coffee, and I would love to hand out cookies to little children whose parents bring them for a small treat. 

I also love writing. Becoming an author has always been one of my dreams. I would love to get lost in the stories that God places on my heart. I could travel the world and hold book signings. I could encourage thousands of people through God-inspired words. 

In grade 12, my history teacher told each of us his thoughts about our future careers. He told me that he could see me becoming "Super Kayla." I'm not really sure what he meant by that, but I think I would love that too. 

Then there are the more practical dreams. 

I have always told everyone that I want to be a Speech Language Pathologist. And part of me still wants that. I would love to spend my life helping children learn to communicate and express themselves. It would definitely be rewarding. 

But on the other hand, if I'm going to be spending the next six years (or more) in school, will that really be enough? 

The idea of doing something 'bigger' has been speaking to my heart in every way for the past month, and the feeling won't disappear. Just when I think the idea has finally faded, someone else mentions it (like Kari Jobe at her concert in Toronto... that could not have been a coincidence!) and it's like God is whispering, "You can't run from my plan." 

I need to stop acting like Jonah. 

I can't deny that God has this amazingly-unexpected plan for me. I know exactly what He wants me to do. 

The problem right now is that I can see the end result, but I can't see how to get there. I can't see how all of my random, un-related dreams are going to fit into the plan that He has. And to be honest I don't even understand how this 'big' thing could be His plan for me in the first place. 

Sometimes I don't feel smart enough. I try so hard to do everything right. I obsess over every sentence down to the most unimportant comma, trying to make things exactly perfect so that there is no way I can fail. But sometimes my efforts still aren't enough.

Sometimes I don't feel strong enough. I become so tired after a few hours of school that I can't even bring myself to finish my next reading. 

Sometimes I'm not patient. Sometimes I'm scared to go to new places, or to even leave my house. And sometimes I don't want to be the one who always listens to everyone else. 

I am so completely imperfect.

How could He have such an exciting plan for me? 

Last night I went to a worship concert with a bunch of my friends, and I was standing in a crowd of people listening to a song I had heard many times before, but when I listened last night it hit me in a completely different way. 

So patient

So gracious

So merciful and true

So wonderful in all You do 

You fill me

You see me

You know my every move

You love for me to sing to you

I know that you are for me 

I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness

I know you that you have come down

Even if to write upon my heart

To remind me who you are 

You Are For Me - Kari Jobe

Wow. 

He is everything that we are not. 

And even though we aren't good enough on our own, He doesn't abandon us. He chooses to stay. 

He stays with us so that He can fill us with all of the qualities that we naturally lack. 

How could we run from the One who fills us with everything that we are? We need to be filled. 

We can't distance ourselves from the One who is writing our story - outlining a production that will allow us shine. Our dreams will be fulfilled to the highest degree of success. Our needs will be met. Our heavenly desires will be provided for. 

Only if we allow Him to fill us with His perfection. 

1 John 4:12 says that "God abides in us and and His love is perfected in us."

God's grace says that it's okay for us to not be perfect. It's okay for us to lack the qualities that we think we need because God is here to meet our needs. We need His love and His grace. (Ephesians 2:8)

He wants to be with us so that He can complete us. So that He can provide for us and support us and cleanse us of our imperfections. That's the whole reason Jesus died. So that we might be "without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish." (Ephesians 5:25-27)

God is very aware of the dreams and plans that each of us have - even if they are hidden in the farthest corners of our heart.

He knows all of our solitary secrets and whispered wishes. 

He knows everything that we lack when we are on our own.

But despite our imperfections, we are beautiful. 

Because of Him.

Kayla 

Photo Credit: Katie Cottrell

1 John 4:18 - There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. 

Everything I Learned In Africa (A Year and a Half Late)

It has been a year and a half since I boarded the plane to Lusaka, Zambia, and every day I wish I could relive those three weeks.

Going to Africa had always been on my bucket list. I'm not really sure why. Maybe because I wanted to make a difference. Maybe because I love to travel or because I love children. I don't know. Whatever the reason, I am so thankful that God opened the door for me and ten others to venture across the world to serve Him.

To be honest, it wasn't the kind of trip where I came home and sold all of my clothes to those in poverty, ready to become a missionary, completely changed and transformed. Although I was hoping for that kind of life-altering journey, that's not what it was like for me.

When I first came home, I was able to answer the typical questions with typical answers. "What was Africa like?" "Amazing.""Was it hard to see so many people in need?" "Yes." ""Do you think we take for granted everything we have here in Canada?" "Definitely."

But I wasn't really sure what I learned. I usually gave answers like "I learned to be thankful every day for my house" or "I realized that I'm so blessed" and it's all completely true. The thing is, a lot of people that we interacted with had houses, and food, and even families - maybe they didn't make up your typical nuclear family or live in your typical suburban house, but a lot of them were surrounded by people they loved (side note: we did visit a village that would fit your "African village" image, and that was incredibly eye opening). Anyways, I spent 21 days on the other side of the world, so there had to be something that went beyond the classic mission-trip-experience answers.

Over the past year and a half, after having lots of time to reflect, there are some things that God has shown me about those days in Africa.


I am so small. 
I don't mean that I'm just a simple young girl, 5'7", in between adolescence and adulthood, living in Ontario. And I don't mean that I'm just one person in a world of millions (because that can make a person feel small too).

I seriously mean that I am small. 

It sometimes leaves me speechless when I think about how God created all these mountains and waterfalls that are incredibly massive. Victoria Falls is only one place, in one continent out of seven. It's even small in comparison to the rest of the world.

And somehow, we think that we're entitled to everything.

We become upset when things don't go the way we planned. Hurt when people don't pay attention to us. Bitter when people get in our way. We act like we're so big.

In reality, we are just a vapor. (James 4:14).

And still, God thinks the world of us.

Do you know what that means?

Each one of us is individually as important as the entire world and all of its wonders. In His eyes, we are as beautiful as Victoria Falls. When people stand there with awe-struck smiles, cameras out, wanting to capture every detail and treasure it forever - that is a picture of how God feels about us.

Although we are small, we are worth treasuring. We were chosen. (Ephesians 1:5-8)

We need to humble ourselves (because we really are small!), but we also need to realize our worth. We have a special place in this world.


We can always worship.
Africa changed my perspective of worship.

Sometimes I forget that it's okay to praise God outside of a sanctuary. I get so caught up in having to go to church each Sunday morning so that I can sing. It is really important to do that! But it's not the only place for it.

Africa is known for its music and dancing, and there's no question why. They really do know how to sing, and they know how to dance. Even beyond that - they know how to worship. They don't hold back. No matter where they are. No matter what the circumstance.

How many of us would be singing and dancing if we didn't have homes? (Honestly.)

I don't think that I would be.

The people that I met did.

They sang on buses, they sang in fields, they sang while children were crying, they sang inside, they sang on hills. And not just a little Sunday school melody. They sang with everything in them. From their hearts.

By the end of the 21 days, my team and I were singing (and dancing!) too.

They taught us how to worship.

Let them praise his name with dancing. Psalm 149:3


When we slow down, we can hear His voice. 
I struggle so much with unpredictability. I like knowing what is going to happen next, and I like consistency. When people change plans I get very uncomfortable, and when there isn't a schedule I become anxious.

This was my challenge on the trip.

Most people in Africa aren't as considered with schedules and time. They make some plans, but they also go with whatever happens. And more imoprtantly, most of the people that I met were incredibly in tune with God's voice.

So while I was there, I really had to learn to slow down and take time to breathe.

We don't always know what is going to happen in the next hour of our lives. And when choose to be okay with that (when we choose not to plan everything), we allow God to take over.
It's okay to not always have a plan. It's okay to be 2 minutes late. It's okay to spend a little bit of extra time talking to somebody even if it interferes with your schedule. It's even okay to take a night off to reflect, to laugh, or to just hang out and eat chocolate (we did that a few times).

It's actually better this way.

When we take time to breathe, we allow God to have control.

When we slow down, we have time to listen to God's voice.

(Proverbs 22:17-18, John 10:27, Romans 10:17)


Nothing is the end until God says it's the end. 
Looking back, God's power is more evident to me than I ever realized at the time.

There are so many stories that I could re-tell (the story about how we nearly missed our connecting flight, or the one about how my friend was attacked by a baboon... seriously), but there is one thing that I never truly realized before now.

God is supreme.  

During my last week in Zambia, I received an email from home informing me that my dog had died.

That really put a damper on my African-adventure excitement.

According to the world's medical expertise, he shouldn't have died. He was fairly young. Full of life. Crazy and alert. And ever his strange, fluffy, 17-pound self.

I'm still not really sure what happened, but I cried for days after I received that email. One of those days was the day we went to Victoria Falls.

For a while, I walked around this natural wonder without smiling or talking to anyone because all I could think about was how broken my heart felt. And how empty the living room chair would be without Scooter.

I never really 'got over it' as some say should have happened. To this day, I still miss him.

But what occurred to me at the Falls was that God really is always in control.

He controls the water that crashes over the rocks, and He calms the water that trickles across the stones. He controls the howling baboons that line the top of the mountain-like structure. He commands each side of the Falls to stand up straight. He could silence all of Victoria Falls. And despite His supremacy, not a sparrow falls to the ground without Him caring (Matthew 10:29).

He cared about my little dog.

I have no idea why He allowed him to die when I was on the other side of the world (or why He allowed it to happen at all).

But what I do know, is that I am small in comparison to the world.

I know that I can worship despite the pain.

I know that when I slow my racing, worried thoughts, God's voice can be heard.

And I know that despite the chaos of life,

He reigns. 


Kayla 

"You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is like it: 'Love your neighbour as yourself.'" Matthew 22:37-39

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
1 John 4:8

{Scooter}

A Thousand Shades of Blue

Sometimes I feel so lost.

Sometimes things are really clear and I can see God in everything. And other times it's like all I can see is thousands of miles of sky and water in every direction. I feel like I'm drowning in a world of blue.

Maybe for a while God and I are sailing on this boat together, having an amazing time. He shows me the incredible works of His hands, opening my eyes in so many ways.

Then I find myself on a raft in the middle of the ocean. Alone.

Last week God did some miraculous things in my life. He sent me in a new career direction (one of the most exciting things that has ever happened to me!) and I gained the opportunity to help lead a Bible study for younger girls. My best friend and I were able to encourage each other, and I felt like I was going to explode with His love. I realized that God loves to surprise us. He loves to see our reactions to the unexpected blessings that He provides. I was truly so excited for all that He has in store for me.

I still feel that way. But at the same time there are so many things happening around me that are trying to fight that joy. Things that are retaliating against His miracles. Things that are oppose His peace.

Those things make us feel alone. They focus our eyes on the thousands of shades of blue. We become lost in the vast emptiness around us. We become fearful. Anxiety and confusion take control. We become paralyzed.

I find it incredible that God has opened my eyes to new opportunities. The problem is that I have no idea how I'm going to get to where He wants me to be. That terrifies me.

Another problem is that I really don't like change. I don't like when I have to re-evaluate my life. I don't like when people move on without me. I don't like when I don't have a say in things. I don't even like when the grapes get moved from their place on the top shelf of the fridge. I like organization. I like consistency. I like predictability.

But how selfish is that? Since when is life about me?

It's not about me at all. It's not about what I want. Compared to God, I don't know anything about life. He has a master plan detailing every moment of my existence. I can't even see past the next wave.

Life has nothing to do with being alone on a raft in the middle of the ocean. God never dumps anyone out of the boat. That's something that we imagine.

Being alone is a choice that takes place somewhere inside an anxious mind.

We forget that God is steering the ship. We are the ones who mistakenly attempt to change the direction of the sails. We forget to acknowledge His existence. When that happens, the ship begins to feel empty.

Loneliness plagues the open waters and falls from the sky.

It blinds us to the sight of our Master.

It deafens us to His comforting, miracle-working voice which commands us (and the waves) to "Be still." (Psalm 46:10, Mark 4:39)

You are never alone. 

He is the God of All Creation. He is constant in every moment. (Psalm 46:1)

The truth is that He will never abandon you (Deuteronomy 31:6, 8).

It is your choice whether to acknowledge that He is on this journey right beside you. It is your choice to accept that He is in control of the ship that you are on. It is your choice to stop trying to take control of the sails.

He knows exactly where you need to be.

He knows your secret dreams. He knows your deepest desires. He knows your potential. 

Let Him be your Captain.

He will conquer the waves with you.

Kayla 

For it became him, for whom are all things, and by whom are all things, in bringing many sons until glory, to make the Captain of their salvation perfect through suffering.
Hebrews 2:10 

For Every Broken Heart

Sometimes I look at people who are in their nineties and wonder how they make it.

Nearly a century of living.

Struggling through tiring Monday mornings and Friday afternoon traffic jams. Enduring stifling-hot summers and ice-cold winters. Hearing the familiar sound of sirens speeding down the street on rainy Saturday afternoons. The piercing cries of babies and frail last breaths. The smell of burnt toast. The feeling of failure.

They made it despite the occasional agonizing pain of having a broken heart.

Somehow.

I'm nineteen, not ninety, so I can't tell you how they do it. But I can tell you that I agree with you.

Life is painful.

It hurts when someone rejects you. The cold looks from people in the hallway make you feel like an outsider. It brings tears to your eyes when you have to sit alone at lunch for the third time that week. Your heart aches when your sister says you aren't good enough. When you see people whispering and become convinced they're talking about you. And if your family doesn't want to listen then why would anyone else? Eventually the pain just becomes too much. You need a way out. You need life to become less painful. You want to make it through.

It hurts when you have to continually fake a smile. You're breaking on the inside but you don't want anyone else to know. It's hard to hold yourself together all the time. There are so many things to do. You just don't have time to think about the pain. You become numb. You want to be able to feel again. Hiding isn't easy either. You want to be found. You want someone to pursue you. You want to make it through.

It hurts to hold on to everyone's problems. You try to help but you can't. Nothing works. You feel like you have purpose when you can erase someone else's pain. But when you can't, you just feel hopeless. It's painful to see the hurt in other people, but what about your own? You want someone else to hold everything together for once. You want to make it all go away. You want to make it through.

Broken hearts don't only happen after break ups.

Our hearts break when they can't hold in the emotions anymore.

My mom went to Texas a few weeks ago, and one night my sister was having a conversation with my dad. She was sitting on the edge of her bed and she looked up at him and whispered, "My heart is broken." My dad was a little confused so he stopped what he was doing and turned to her, concerned. "Why?" He asked. She had tears in her eyes. "I just miss Mommy so much."

My sister can describe her emotions so accurately. Another time when my mom was away, she told me and my dad that she "had a little tear in her throat." My mom is so important to my sister. Christy needs her, depends on her, looks to her for encouragement. And when my mom isn't there, her heart breaks. Her tears escape. Her emotions become overwhelming.

We can all relate to that. When somebody who we need isn't there. When we try to hold our emotions in. When we attempt to take the problems of the world upon ourselves. It's overwhelming. Our hearts can't take it. We weren't designed for that.

God designed us to need Him. To respect Him. To know that we can't do anything without Him.

He wants to be near to us. He wants us to need Him.

We can't push Him away when our hearts our broken. He is the only one who can heal.

The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. 
Psalm 34:18

So if you're hurting, He will restore you.
1 Peter 5:10
He will strengthen you. He will place you on a firm foundation. He will heal you (Psalm 4, Psalm 30, Psalm 103, Psalm 107, Isaiah 53, Jeremiah 17, Matthew 8, Matthew 9, Mark 4... you get the picture). He's pretty experienced with healing our pain.

If you're tired, He will give you rest. 
Matthew 11:28-30
He is humble and gentle. He offers us a trade - He takes our heavy burdens, and He gives us a few responsibilities that are much lighter to bear. We follow Him, and He carries our loads.

If you're worried, cast your anxiety on Him. He cares for you. 
1 Peter 5:7
I think it's important to note that we are instructed to cast our anxiety. If you think about someone who casts a fishing rod, they don't just gently place it in the water. They throw it far away. We need to do the same with our worries. Throw your worries all the way to Him, because He knows how to handle every part of your life.

And if you think you can do it all on your own, you can't. For in him, we live, and move, and breathe.
Acts 17:28 
Only in Him. Not with our own strength. Not with somebody else's help. In Him. 

Not every person who lives to be ninety has chosen to follow Him. But I'm positive that those who have chosen to follow Him have lived much more peaceful and rewarding lives. Those who have given Him their lives shine with His love. Their hearts are light. They have an abundance of wisdom to offer, because they have made it through. It can be done. It is completely possible. And with God by your side it's a million times easier. So let Him take your heavy load.

He's holding the entire world in His hands.

There's no need for you to hold it too.

Kayla 

Jerome, Arizona

I may be weak, but Your Spirit's strong in me 

My flesh may fail, but my God you never will