Pride and Perfectionism

Whenever I make a mistake I get this horrible sickening, heart-dropping feeling somewhere right between my lungs and my stomach. 

It doesn’t matter if it’s my mom calling my name because I forgot to wipe the counter or if it's the distant flashing lights of a police car causing me to double check if I am speeding, my mind spins and my heart races when I anticipate the fact that I might have made a mistake. 

I don't handle my mistakes well, and that is probably a result of my highschool experience. I graduated highschool with an average in the high 90s, and to this day I am still convinced that is really the only reason why I was acknowledged as a person during my teenage years. I was the one who edited, explained, and met everybody's expectations. And as a result, my personal grading scale became a little warped:

100 - perfect! you should be so proud of yourself
97-99 - you did an amazing job
94-96 - really good! just a few things you did wrong
90-93 - you could have a done better, but you didn't do a bad job
87-89 - not awful
84-86 - you should have studied harder
80-83 - were you not paying attention to anything in class?
less than 79 - you failed
*disclaimer: I do not believe that 70s or 80s are bad marks for anyone to receive. In fact, I think that they are incredible marks and reflect extremely hard work. This 'marking scale' is simply what I have come to expect of myself* 

Being someone who cares a lot about my grades in school, I also attribute all of my real-world mistakes to percentages: 
Forgetting to put my bowl in the dishwasher would be about a 94% - not the end of the world but still could have done better.

Letting my emotions get the best of me would probably be around an 83% - so close, but I just couldn’t do it.
A possible speeding ticket would probably be somewhere around a 10% - those flashing lights would mean I have nearly done everything wrong.

And forgetting to hand in a paper because I was stressed about a midterm? - well, complete and utter failure. 

Failure. 

I hate that word. 

It has become such an adjective. A way of describing people. A way of describing the things that we do and the results of our actions - whether our mistakes were intentional or not. And sometimes, as hard as we try not to fail - it still happens. And then that happening ends up defining us because that moment of failure is what stands out to the world. So frustrating. 

Adjectives entirely define things. The afternoon sky is defined by it’s blue colour. Apples are defined by their crunchy sound. Drinking water is defined by its pristine clarity. Winter is defined by the cold air, and summer by its warmth. 

We should not defined by failure. 

Perfectionism has always been (and probably always will be) a battle for me. I have been told almost every day for the entirety of my life that I "don't have to be perfect" and that there is "more to me than my average in school" and that "marks don't define me" and that "it's okay to make mistakes" and when I don't do as well as I want to "God has a plan" and I "just need to breathe." And I am thankful for everyone who has ever reminded me of that. But I have to say that as much as I recognize the truth in those statements, the words have become white noise. I mean, it's pretty easy to say those things when you're not the one in the situation (when you don't have expectations and averages and $25000 scholarships hanging over your head). 

On top of all that advice, I have read so many books about grace and being a girl and how I shouldn't try so hard to be perfect (note: I highly recommend Graceful by Emily P. Freeman to every girl who has ever doubted herself). I have learned all about the freedom we have in Jesus and I have been reminded multiple times that He loves us no matter how well we do or don't do. I have been reminded that we can't reach perfection because of sin, and I have been reminded of the value we have because of His love. I 'know' all of the things that I'm supposed to. Yet for some reason that knowledge hasn't been overly useful.

- - - 

A couple weeks ago I was having a conversation with one of my friends about how much I hate making mistakes. At first she was sympathetic and encouraging like any friend would be. But then she said something so humbling: 

"Kayla, maybe it's not about you." 

My initial reaction was to defend myself ("Of course it's about me, I'm the one who makes the mistakes! And I'm the one who suffers from my mistakes!"). But after a moment her words made sense, and I realized why all of that stuff that I 'knew' hadn't made a difference. It really isn't about me. 

Pride leads us to believe that our human-ness (whatever we do or don't do) matters most. We end up focusing on our mistakes, our shortcomings, or whatever we see as failure. We focus on the percentages on marked essays, the number of times we are reprimanded, and the way we handle our emotions. Of course, our mistakes are our own and we need to take responsibility for the fact that we are human, and we are sinful. But that’s not where it ends. 

We have been chosen. We have been given the opportunity to be made free. We have been invited by our First Love to live under Grace for all of eternity. We are not under the law anymore. We are not constrained by this world and its sin. 

“Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead you live under the freedom of God's grace.” 

Romans 6:14 

We are defined by the Grace that was bought for us on the cross. We live under this Grace. This Grace allows us to breathe. To love. To live. To make mistakes. And even more than that - to learn and grow from our mistakes. It’s not the end if we fail an exam or let our emotions get the better of us or forget something important. Because Jesus died. 

For you. For me. For us. 

So that paper that you didn't do well on? It’s at the cross.

That day that everything went wrong and you took it out on your family? It’s at the cross.

That time you overslept and ended up being late? It’s at the cross. 
That speeding ticket? It's at the cross. 

Jesus took it all. We don’t have to be perfect, because He is. We simply need to sit at His feet and be willing to learn, in the presence of His Refreshing, Healing, Redeeming Love. 

We are free. 

- Kayla 

Katie Cottrell Photography

Dear Sixteen Year Old Girl

There is so much that I wish I could go back to tell you. So many lessons I have learned and so many things I have realized now that I am separate from all of the situations that used to seem so daunting.

You were never fond of listening to anyone's advice. You have always been so independent and so stubborn. I can tell you now, that is one thing that might not ever change. But dear young highschool girl, all the advice that was given to you would have been so useful to listen to. 

Those people who told you to embrace your highschool years? They knew what they were talking about. It might not seem like it now, but highschool sets the stage. The things you learn in highschool will be some of the most important lessons you ever learn. The friendships that you make will impact you forever. The choices you make will affect the way you view yourself. The way you prioritize actually matters. So be involved. Find what makes your heart happy and embrace it. Don't worry about fitting in with the right people. In the end, nobody will care who you were or were not friends with. Find your place and choose to love it. 

People are going to be watching you once they find out that you love Jesus. Don’t let that scare you. Let that motivate you. You have been given a profound opportunity to influence so many people. So share God’s love and don’t be afraid to talk about Him. Use the gifts He has given you to better His kingdom. Take your gifts outside of school and become involved in the community too. You will love it, and it will open so many doors.

Those people who said it's not smart to date in highschool? They were right. Highschool isn't the time for falling in love with a boy. You are still figuring out who you are. Highschool is a time for falling in love with Jesus. Let Him be your First Love. You will save yourself so much hurt and confusion this way. Girls' hearts are so easily broken. So focus on friendships with the girls around you. Don’t jump to the future, and don’t give your heart away so soon. Don't think about every boy you meet as a possible boyfriend. Focus on figuring out who you are instead. Find Jesus and enjoy His love. You have so many years of freedom ahead of you. Embrace them. 

Beautiful highschool girl, you don't have to be the smartest. That other girl who always gets one mark higher than you on everything? You don't need to compare yourself to her. Other people's opinions don't matter. In five years nobody will even remember your mark on that Grade 11 Chemistry assignment. And don't worry about whether or not your marks are good enough for university. God already knows where you will end up going. So stop stressing. Let go of your anxiety. All God asks is that you do your best. You don't need to strive anymore. 

I wish I could go back in time to tell you to value your relationships with your parents. You don’t think that they understand you, but they do. You doubt their love for you, but you shouldn't. I know that you think your mom is annoying, but she’s really not. When she tells you to change what you’re wearing it’s because she knows exactly how you can look most beautiful. And I know that you think your dad is overprotective, but I’ll tell you a secret. Dads are always right. They have wisdom that nobody can explain. Seriously, they just know things. Your parents have your best interest in mind. They really do know a lot. Sometimes they just forget what it was like to be your age. So cut them some slack. Talk to them. Fight less. Argue less. Listen more. Take a deep breath when they frustrate you, and remember that God asks you to honour your parents. They aren't perfect, but they will always love you. 

Your siblings are important too. Your sister will be your best friend one day. She will look up to you and admire you more than anyone else. She loves you even when she yells at you. Your brother loves you too. He is always looking out for you and wants the best for you. He has insight and sees things you don’t see. So invest in those relationships. Be patient with your sister. Talk to her. Love her and love your brother. Listen to them. They matter.

When things aren’t easy - when there is so much pain in your family, when you feel like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster, when nothing seems to be going right, when you feel alone, when you feel worthless, when a boy hurts you or a friend leaves you - remember that Jesus is with you. He will not leave. He always stays. So lean on Him. Go after Him with everything that you are. Every time that you see a sunset or a flower, every time a friend encourages you or something does go your way, it’s not a coincidence. Jesus is pursuing you. He wants you to fully trust Him. Only then will He give you your heart’s desires.

Young girl, don't live for the future. You might think it will be easier, but it really won't be. Every stage of your life is going to come with its own set of trials. God always has things to teach us, but He always has blessings to give us as well. So find those blessings. Find the good in the place where you are. Even more than that, find ways to give hope to those around you. Be the good in the place where you are. 

Dear sixteen year old self, you are so beautiful. Highschool tends to destroy self esteem. But I want you to know that you were created in the most perfect image. God loves when you are bubbly and excited, and He also loves when your gentle spirit shines through. You don't need to fit in to be beautiful. You don't need to always be surrounded by your friends to be confident. God has given you confidence. He has given you the most radiant beauty.

So smile more often. Let your eyes sparkle. Curl your hair if you want to. Wear sweatpants to school if you want to. Leave your hair in a messy bun if you wake up late. Just be confident. 

Dear girl, have a teachable spirit. Open your ears to wisdom. Be thankful often. Forgive always. Practice patience. Love yourself. Love people. Guard your heart. And most of all, love Jesus. 

Trust that your life is going to be wonderful. And let yourself shine.

I promise that one day everything you have been told will make sense.

- Kayla & Jessica 

[co-authored by Jessica Bellemore www.inomnia-paratus.blogspot.ca]

Lessons (From A Different Kind Of Summer)

It's sometimes crazy how drastically God can change our plans.

I think most people go into a summer with plans and dreams and mile-long bucket lists - trying to come up with ways to cram every adventure into one wonderful summer of perfect memories.

I don't know if it's the same for anyone else, but my summers never seem to turn out the way I originally plan. For example, last summer I planned on working as many as hours as possible before I started university. Instead, I ended up occasionally babysitting and filling the majority of my time with road trips, camping adventures, photoshoots, and a dream trip to Arizona. It was perfect. And I guess after such an amazing summer last year I had high expectations for this summer as well.

This summer was so different from anything I could have planned.

I had a couple of job options, but I wasn't very excited about any of them. I really didn't know where I was going to end up. Then my mom ran into one of her friends at the grocery store, and she suggested that I apply to work at her daughter's camp. At first I wasn't convinced that committing to a camp for the summer would be the best choice, but I went onto the website anyways. Even though it turned out that the deadline had long passed, my mom encouraged me to apply. I spent an entire night writing a letter of introduction and sent it out in an email, along with my resume. A couple weeks later I got a call from the camp director, and the following week I had an interview. The week after that I had made a commitment to work at camp for the summer. 

It was a special needs camp. And for anyone who knows me, this would seem like the perfect place for me to work. It's where my heart is. I have invested years and years into different children with different needs, all in different places. But the first weeks of this summer were hard. 

We Can't Rely On Ourselves For Anything

I quickly realized that my job was completely exhausting. I would go home each day drained of patience, and wake up barely able to open my eyes enough to safely drive to work. Coffee became my best friend in the morning, but that still left me to struggle through the afternoons.

The problem with camp is that you can't just go through the motions. Especially when there are children who run away or want to be pulled in a wagon or need to be guided through transitions. 

These are the experiences that God puts us through to teach us that we can't do anything without Him.

Prayer is powerful. It is so important to continually bring ourselves back to Him. We are called to consecrate ourselves - to give God the glory by letting Him do what we cannot do for ourselves. When we consecrate ourselves, there is room for His power to be shown (Joshua 3:5).

He is the only real source of patience, grace, happiness, kindness, peace, love -- everything we need. 

There Is Always Something To Learn (And Giving Up Doesn't Work)

I went into the summer thinking I was completely prepared. I've worked with children who have special needs for 6 years - what more would I need to know?

I quickly realized there was whole lot I didn't know. There were schedule systems and transition objects and certain words that I had to remember to use. Then after the first two weeks of camp I thought I had it figured out again. Until a new set of campers came to camp. On top of all that, I realized that eight hours is a long time to be stuck with the same children. And I also learned that not every counsellor has the same opinions.

God always has something to teach us. For me, that included humility, patience, and grace.

When God presents us with situations, we have a choice to either let Him bring us through it and transform us, or turn around and run away. Even though turning around might be the easier choice, it doesn't work. We can't give up on everything that seems challenging. We are called to press on (Philippians 3:14). Paul even wrote that mature Christians will continually act on the guidance that God provides and strive to reach the goal that He has set before them (Philippians 3:15-16).

God wants to stretch us, grow us, and teach us about who He is. He always has a perfect purpose. 

Following God's Will Isn't Always Easy 

For some reason I used to have this idea that if I did what God wanted my life would suddenly become filled with rainbows and butterflies. 

After being sent in a clear direction this summer (in camp and outside of camp), I have realized that God's will is not always found on the easiest path. In fact, it's probably going to be found on the hardest path. What we think is best is probably not God's version of 'the best'. 

Sometimes what's best even means sacrificing everything that we think we so badly want.

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." Matthew 16:24-25

"As they led him away, they seized Simon from Cyrene, who was on his way in from the country, and put the cross on him and made him carry it behind Jesus." Luke 23:26

God loved us enough that He sacrificed what was most important to Him. He wanted the best for us. And in return, our love for Him should be strong enough that we are willing to sacrifice anything (time, money, friendships, and even sleep - that was a hard one for me) that He asks us to. His love will always be enough to satisfy us, no matter what we feel is hard to sacrifice.


>> I always seem to think that I know what I need, but in reality, thinking about my needs isn't the point. Even though God might take away things that are important to me, ask me to sacrifice something, or lead me through difficult situations, it's really not about me. It is all about His glory. When He is glorified, the end result is always perfect. <<

Infinitely More

I never used to think of myself as somebody who fears change.

I mean, I've always known that my sister doesn't like change. Even the smallest changes, like taking a different road to church or not being able to go to horseback riding on a Thursday night because of the rain. She always needs routine, consistency, warnings, explanations. Change has always been her struggle, not mine.

If there's anything I have realized lately, though, it's that change is one of my struggles too.

I definitely don't need such exact routines as my sister. My days and weeks aren't always the same, and last minute plans are sometimes fun. But big changes are still hard.

So hard.

My sister likes consistency because when things are always the same she can prepare herself. She knows that she was to get up at exactly 7:30 if she is going to make it to her bus, and she knows that right when she gets home from school she can make her chocolate-strawberry smoothie as a snack. On Mondays she goes to Courtney's house, and once a month she can go out for dinner with my grandparents. Each day and week is organized and there aren't any surprises.

When I think about the big picture of my life, that's kind of what it looks like for me too. I have plans for myself. Good plans. Plans that make sense to me. Plans that prepare me and help me know what steps to take. I have lists and deadlines and schedules.

The thing is, when we follow God's leading change is inevitable. Whether we like it or not, things are always going to be changing. God wants our lives to move forward so that He can fulfill His purpose in each of us.

But what is His purpose for us? Why does He have to turn our worlds upside down?

--

He wants us to be happy
I didn't fully realize until a couple days ago that God really does know us inside and out. He seriously knows us better than we know ourselves. We could have the most perfectly designed dreams, but He still has something planned that He knows we will like better. I don't even know how that's possible because I always seem to think I have it all figured out. Still, every time, God seems to say: "Sorry, my plan will bring you so much more happiness."

Whoever trusts the Lord will be happy.
Proverbs 16:20

If we are going to get anywhere in life, we need to realize that we don't know ourselves as well as we think we do. The One who created us knows what will bring us the most joy.

He wants to strengthen us
I think another reason why change is so hard is because it carries with it an entire collection of unknowns. When God brings something along that isn't the same as what we had previously planned, it's hard for us to imagine what the outcome will be. We don't know what steps to take or where we will end up. That's why change is inevitable with God. He turns our worlds upside down so that we will realize we are powerless and be forced to trust Him instead of ourselves.

For when I am weak, then I am strong
2 Corinthians 12:10

If life was completely consistent, and if we directed our own steps, faith wouldn't exist.

He wants to align our priorities
Sometimes we become consumed with routines and accomplishments. To-do lists and schedules become complete idols. We have our perfect plans and we like them. It's comforting to have things all in order. But sometimes we need change to remind us what's really important. For me, maybe God continually turns my world upside down to remind me that hiding in my room and studying for hours on end isn't furthering His kingdom. For some people, maybe God wants to take away old jobs and provide new jobs that will help their gifts shine more brightly, or maybe He wants to move some people away from home so that they can learn the importance of new friendships. There are so many opportunities than come with change.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will. 
Romans 12:2

--

I think when it comes down to it we all have a love-hate relationship with change. We have small longings to take risks and see what happens. We want to be closer to God, and we try to move in that direction, but fear always gets in the way.

Peter was a disciple who longed to have those faith-stretching moments with Jesus. He asked Jesus to call him onto the water, but when he finally stepped out "he became afraid and began to sink" (Matthew 14:30). Peter cried out to Jesus, and Jesus reached out for Peter right away. Of course He would never let Peter drown! He then questioned Peter's doubt and calmly erased the wind and the waves. Peter had become so overwhelmed with the unfamiliarity of the situation around him that he forgot Jesus was right there.

We need to realize that God isn't going to lead us in the wrong directions. It actually seems ridiculous to think that we know more about the world and our lives than He does.

We don't have the ability to fathom what He has planned for us. Even the greatest creations of our imaginations can't compare to the everlasting vastness of God and His perfect plans.

So when we love God more than anything else (including our own ideas and to-do lists), we don't have to be afraid of surprises and changes. God moves mountains and works miracles when we step out of our comfort zones.

And His greatest blessings will come when we least expect them.


-Kayla 

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty work at power within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. 

Ephesians 3:20-21 

To All You Girls Out There (Part 2)

Sometimes being a girl is such a struggle. 

We hear from such a young age that we are all equal. We're not supposed to think about how well other people are doing because we all have different strengths, we're all smart, we all have purposes, and we're all beautiful in our own way.

But we still compare ourselves. Every day. 

I mean, half the reason that girls spend so much time focusing on their appearance isn't because they want to impress guys (sorry boys). It's because they want other girls to think they have nice clothes/shoes/hair/eyelashes/nails/etc. We all want to hear "you look so pretty today!" or "where did you get your shoes?" or "oh my goodness your hair is perfect" because the positive reinforcement feels good. It encourages us and confirms that other people think we're 'good enough.'

We're afraid if we don't have the right hipster-looking outfits or a classy-but-not-too-fancy dress we'll get weird looks or not be part of 'the right crowd.' 

I know these seem like problems that only happen in junior high, but that's not the way it is. So many girls have the same insecurities many years later, but the worries are just hidden and the judgement from others is more discreet. 

It's such a struggle. 

How many times have you seen a girl at school or in the mall or somewhere else and you just think "she has the most perfect hair" or "I love her outfit"? It's such a natural and easy thought. But the problem is that it automatically makes you compare yourself. You start thinking about your own hair and your own shoes and your own eyelashes and you wonder if other people think those things about you. 

And then there's the profile picture problem. There are those girls who get hundreds of likes on their profile pictures, and it makes you wonder why you don't have that many. You wonder if everyone likes those girls better, and that maybe that's why you only have 43 likes. But why do we define ourselves by the number of likes and hearts and followers we get?! It doesn't even make sense. 

We also overthink everything (example: we go from "oh that guy is cute" to "I wonder if he wants kids one day" within 8 seconds) and we can't even help it. We walk past a group of girls whispering and immediately wonder if they're talking about us. We say hi to a guy and then wonder if he thinks we're weird. We join a conversation and then wonder if we talk too much. And for me personally, I turn red when anyone looks in my direction even though I'm not embarrassed, but then I start thinking about the fact that I turn red and it makes me embarrassed.  

If only girls could turn off their thoughts for a few seconds to get rid of the constant comparison and the obsessive overthinking. 

-- 

This morning I was reading in Genesis 29. That's the chapter where Jacob goes to Laban's house and works for 7 years so that he can marry Rachel (side note: how amazing would it be to have a guy work for seven years just because he wanted to be with you?!). For those of you who don't know the story, Laban ended up not keeping his end of the deal, so on Jacob's wedding day it was actually Leah (Rachel's sister) who he ended up marrying. Leah wasn't the 'beautiful' sister that Jacob wanted (Leah had weak eyes), so he worked for another seven years so that he could marry Rachel as well, his first choice. 

A couple months ago I read this story in my sister's children's bible, and it changed my whole entire view of the story. I always thought that it must have been frustrating for Jacob. I felt bad for him. I mean he worked so hard and didn't even get what he was working for! But in my sister's bible (The Jesus Storybook Bible) it highlights the story so differently. 

It made me realize how hard it must have been for Leah, the unwanted sister. She probably compared herself to Rachel all the time . Her sister was the one with "a beautiful figure and a lovely face" (verse 18). She probably had a lot of insecurities. And it would have been even worse when she finally got married, only to realize it was a mistake because Jacob never wanted her. Or maybe she knew what was going on. Either way, if I was Leah I would probably not feel too great about myself.

The beautiful thing about the story is that it makes it so clear how God sees the unloved. 

Not only did God enable Leah to have children, but her line of children would lead directly to Jesus, the Prince of Heaven. She was in the line of royalty. 

God made her a princess. 

Rachel was the beautiful sister. The one who was wanted. The one that Jacob worked fourteen years for. But Leah was the one who God saw, and chose to use in an incredibly special way. 

-- 

So here is what I have learned about comparing myself: 

It's completely pointless. 
Our stories are all so different. We have different purposes, different eyes, different hair, different strengths. And yes, that is what we have all been told for our whole lives. But it's so clear from the story of Leah and Rachel that God uses us for those differences. Leah was the one He chose to be in the line of royalty, and it's because she was Leah. Not because she was Rachel. The story would have been so different without Leah in it. We are all needed for a purpose. 

It doesn't change anything. 
Where has comparison ever got you? Do you feel better about yourself after spending hours comparing your hair type to your friend's? Probably not. You feel unworthy and unwanted and not good enough for anything. If Leah did compare herself to Rachel, it didn't make a difference. God still used her for the purpose He made her for. She didn't become any different by comparing. So just choose not to compare. Focus on who you are in God. That's where your identity is found. 

None of us are perfect anyways. 
When we compare, we always compare what we think are 'bad' qualities to other people's 'good' qualities. "She's so outgoing and I'm so not." "She has perfect hair and I don't." "She's a size 2 and I'm a size 6." The problem with that is that everybody's opinion is so subjective. Of course you're going to see your own flaws. And of course you're going to see that other people don't have the same flaws as you. But they feel the same way! They aren't perfect either, and they criticize themselves just as much as you criticize yourself (whether they will admit it or not). 

-- 

Above all else, you are beautiful. 

Seriously.

You have beautiful eyes, beautiful hair, a beautiful smile. 

Let yourself radiate with God's love. That is what stands out. 

Let Him shine through you, and be the most beautiful you that you could possibly be. 

Do not let a guy, a friend, a sibling, a stranger, or anyone  ever define your beauty. 

Your Creator is the Only One who has the right to tell you whether or not you are beautiful. 

And He says that you are. 


Kayla 

Katie Cottrell Photography 

Her worth is far more than diamonds

 Proverbs 31:10 

Those (Enjoyable?) Times When You Have To Wait

I think that periods of waiting can be some of the worst points in our lives.

When we're young we have to learn to wait in lines and to go out for recess. We have to wait to be excused from the table because social etiquette says so, and we have to wait our turn with our hand raised in the air because that's kindergarten curriculum. The time-frame that constitutes 'waiting' when we're little seem so incredibly long and painful in the moment, but it's so ridiculously short in comparison to the things we are forced to wait for when we're older.

We wait for the possible healing of life-threatening illnesses, and we wait for traumatic situations to pass. We wait for God's direction regarding what we're going to do with the rest of our lives(!!), and we wait for Him to bring us the things we've been hoping for. We wait years and years to get married, and then sometimes for so much longer before we can have families. We wait for acceptance letters and for once-in-a-lifetime opportunities to come along. And the list goes on. These things are so much bigger than grocery store lines and the anticipated chocolate cake that comes after dinner.

The other problem that plagues us as we grow up is how we learn a little bit more about the world, and then we think that's enough to make it on our own. So we come up with these perfectly masterminded plans that don't leave any room at all for waiting. Then we become overwhelmed when things happen that interfere with the plans we've made, and we think I don't have time for this! On the outside we display content smiles and kind voices, but on the inside anxiety is swarming around making us think we have to immediately move on to the next task.

I'm one of those people who likes to have everything planned out and set in place a month in advance, so when I don't have clear direction, or if I know something is going to come but I don't know the exact details, it's a struggle for me. I can't wait to find out. I need time to prepare myself. I need to know why, how, where, who, what, and (most importantly) when.

In reality, we never know the exact answers to those things, and we are forced against our human nature to wait.

To be honest, sometimes I still don't really know what to do when I have to wait (or if I'm supposed to do anything at all), but here is what I have learned:


Patience Isn't Passive (Or Panicked)
When we're in a period of waiting we either frantically try to speed ahead and figure things out on our own, or we think that we're supposed to sit and wait for something to drop out of the sky. And it's true that sometimes God is teaching us how to be still. We are definitely supposed to wait on Him. But we are also supposed to be (peacefully!) active in our efforts to continue serving Him (that's our purpose!).

When we are focusing all of our efforts on serving Him, everything else will become clear. Our mindset should not be on the panicked planning our life-schedules. It should be completely consumed with loving Him and serving Him to the best of our abilities.

Hebrews 12:1 says that we should "run with patience." It also says that we should throw off sin and the things that weigh us down. Nothing should get in the way of us actively serving God and running the race He has laid out.


Patience Is Rewarding
When we are quick to act on our own judgement and plans, we often miss out on the amazing things that God is going to give us later. We so quickly forget that life is a collection of moments, and not just a single second.

When we choose to wait on God, despite the pressure and temptation of the present-moment, we will be rewarded in the future.

And when we keep in mind that God can be in every moment, while we can only live in a single moment, it is much easier to put our faith in His best plan.


Patience Is Revealing
There are so many examples in the Bible of men and women who are defined by their patient character.

Abraham waited for longer than a lot of people will ever live before he was finally blessed with a son, as God had promised (Genesis 21:2). Job endured pain, persevering through his extreme discomfort (the entire book of Job). James tells us that these figures of faith (Isaac, Moses, David, Elisha, Daniel, etc.) were "example(s) of patience in the midst of suffering" (5:10).

And most importantly, Jesus "endured the cross" (Hebrews 12:2).

Personally, I want to be someone who faithfully trusts and waits on God, rather than acting to please my earthly self in split-second decisions.

Patience reveals whether we are truly devoted to His will - whether we really trust Him with all of our hearts.


Patience Is Faith-Building
Those same figures that were defined by their patient character had deep faith in God.

Abraham was willing to sacrifice his son because God asked him to (Genesis 22). Even though he was probably horrified at the thought of this task, he obeyed. He knew (from previous experiences with waiting on God) that God would be faithful. Waiting helps us build faith that will be essential for the rest of our lives.

Job was a faithful man too, which is one of the reasons God tested him. God knew that he would remain faithful. But in the end, after he had endured a whole lot of suffering, his faith had become even stronger. He waited through all of the trials that were sent his way, and God revealed so much about Himself during that time.

Patience is at the root of our relationships with God, and gives us opportunities to show that we are willing to leave our lives in His hands.

--

Something that I have had to learn is to rest while I'm waiting. There's a fine balance between actively serving, and peacefully resting. Although those things seem contradictory, they go hand in hand.

I so often feel like life is too short. Like I need to get everything done right now and not waste any time.

But there is a time for everything. And sometimes God gives us seasons of waiting.

Ecclesiastes 3:12 says "there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can."

Patience so clearly brings happiness.

When we use our gifts to the best of the abilities for His glory
When we push past the pressure of the present
When we discover who we really are in Him
And when we put our entire lives in His hands, stepping out in faith
Then we will be forever content.

So seasons of waiting are times to be happy.

They are times to rest, and to appreciate all that God has done.

And most of all, they are times to look forward to all that He is going to do - because He will make everything beautiful in its time.


Enjoy the wait. 


Kayla 

Katie Cottrell Photography

[While I'm Waiting - John Waller]

If You Long For Love

Sometimes I have wondered what it would be like to have someone love me like in the movies. You know that pursuing, unconditional, spontaneous, lasting kind of love? It probably sounds cheesy, but I think every girl longs for that somewhere deep inside them. It's just part of who we are.

So often, we are willing to do anything for love. Whether that means moving somewhere to widen our horizons, putting aside our integrity, rushing through life, deceiving our families, and even deceiving ourselves. We design ideal scenarios in our heads, we daydream of perfect fantasies, we wish that our lives were fairytales.

The longing is so inherent. So persistent. So consuming.

I used to think I deserved to be loved. As if I had an entitlement to it. I longed to feel cherished and protected, and I convinced myself I was worthless when I didn't feel that way. I based my worth on my feelings. On the way other people viewed me. On imperfect reasoning and flawed judgement.

Why does it even matter what other people think? Their opinions don't define love.

Love is not a reward for meeting a standard.

Yesterday I had a conversation with one of my friends who had come to church with me for the first time. She was talking to me and another one of our friends about how she's really thankful for our friendships. I forget her exact words, but they were something along the lines of "I'm thankful that I have friends who love me. I mean it's not like we would ever die for each other or anything, but I'm still thankful."

"It's not like we would ever die for each other." 

In all the movies you have ever watched, all those feel-good comedies and happy-ending dramas, think of all the times that someone has sacrificed their life for someone. Or even just sacrificed something.

Jack lets Rose have the raft so she won't freeze.
Peter Parker risks his life to save Mary Jane.
Rapunzel gives up her freedom so Flynn can be healed.
Then Flynn gives up his life so Rapunzel can be free.
Noah sacrifices his time so he can read to Allie.
Captain von Trapp gives up everything so his family can be safe.
Tim gives up his dad so he can be with his wife and children.
Olaf is willing to melt for Anna.
Anna dies so Elsa can live.

Sacrifice is everywhere.

And this isn't an original Hollywood idea. It's definitely not from such a self-centred world where everything is about self-improvement and personal wealth and materialistic happiness. Tiffany rings and dinners at Baton Rouge. Crimson roses and heart-shaped chocolates.

Does this world even know what love is?

"It's not like we would ever die for each other." 

It's so fitting that my friend chose those words. As if somewhere deep inside, her heart was longing for that exact thing.

To die for someone. To sacrifice yourself. Now this is love. 

How heartbreaking is it that so many of us don't know what love really means? That we don't know how to satisfy the love that we long for? We try to fill the gaps with sweet words and emotional highs. Even with families and children and the busyness of work. We think that accomplishments will fill our need for love. We want to have a purpose. We want to know we're important to the world.

This is real love - not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins. 1 John 4:10 

This is the absolute greatest love story ever told. This is the love story that we all long for. That we were designed for.

We want someone to love us this way. To give up everything. To go to the ends of the earth for us. To love us no matter how imperfect we are. To go through agony and pain just so that we don't have to. To give us a reason to live. To die for us.

Usually we celebrate love on Valentine's Day. But there is so much love wrapped up in Easter and Christmas, and every other day for that matter.

Someone loved you with so much powerful love that He died for you. He took the weight of the world upon Himself so that you wouldn't have to (John 19:17). He paid the price in full (John 19:30). He didn't have to do it. We are completely imperfect and completely saturated with sin. We don't deserve to be loved and we have no entitlement to it. But He chose to die for us. He wanted to.

This is why love is not a reward for measuring up.

This is why we have purpose.

The reality of love says that you are worth dying for - no matter what you have done or what you will do. The reality of love is the reason you are alive right now. You are deeply treasured and gently cherished.

This where our passions should grow from. Not from fairytale day dreams, but from real love. He is love. And He is so much greater than anything else.

You are being pursued by the one and only God who gave up everything and died for you.

And as for your wish for a perfect love story?

It has already come true.


-Kayla 

Katie Cottrell Photography

Agape: selfless, sacrificial, unconditional love that only comes from God.