Monday, May 25, 2015

Engaged, Changed, and Rearranged

I've had a lot of emotions in the past three months. Some feelings were expected, others were not. The excitement and the exhilaration were obvious engagement emotions. The fear and the frustration, not as much.

What nobody told me is that it's actually all really overwhelming. The wedding talk gets old. The headintheclouds sensation wears off, and at one point all that's left may be the stark cold reality that everything is going to change. There's no going back. Plans need to be made. Budgets are real things. Money needs to be saved yet somehow also needs to be spent. In truckloads. You are going to be stuck with the same person for the rest of your life. And yes, that can actually be a terrifying thought. The 'I want to be with you forever [insert heart-eye emoji]' feeling is still there, but it can easily become drowned by the fear that comes with creating an entirely new life.

It's not that being engaged isn't romantic and wonderful. It really is. But it quickly becomes not all cliche.

From Mine to Ours

I've realized I am a very selfish person. Somehow I managed to fall back into my four-year-old ways where every item that I cherished in some minuscule way was "MINE." Except now it's more about the figurative money and not the physical items. My life savings are no longer entirely my own. The commitment I made means that my life will now be shared with someone else. I can't make decisions based on my own 'wants.' The things that used to be mine now become ours

Wedding Talk Gets Old 

If you're anything like me, you might actually get tired of talking about weddings. I mean, this is the thing you've been dreaming about all your life, but when the 18th person asks you how the wedding plans are going, it might seem like that's the only thing people are interested in. Am I not more than a wedding planner?!  Plus, wedding planning is actually not the most relaxing thing. Somehow looking at the tally of all the prices of all the things you need takes a little fun out of it.

The Unintentional Distance 

Something I never realized was that deciding to be the first of my friends to get married meant creating distance. Suddenly I don't have as much in common with the people around me as I thought I did. I'm stuck in an awkward in-between stage of having all the newly-weds and engaged people being older than me, and all of my own friends being at completely different life-stages. And it's surprisingly unsettling when you have the option of hanging out with people in their mid-to-late twenties who have their own tight-knit group already, or hanging out with people your age who you can't relate to as much as you used to.

Our Family?

Creating a family isn't the easiest thing either. It's sort of brought me back to my teenage days of silent rebellion, when all I wanted was to get out of my family and start my own life. Now here we are, and I don't really want that anymore. I'm torn between building a home with the love of my life, and curling up on the couch between my mom and dad and never leaving. And the whole thing where people say you marry into the family? Well. Yeah. That's a thing.

Now that I've probably made everyone feel like getting married is the worst thing ever, let me just say, weddings are wonderful. Being engaged is wonderful. Being in love is wonderful. Planning for the future is wonderful. Gaining extra siblings is wonderful.

But, it's also terrifying. Stressful. Scary. Emotional. Overwhelming. [insert any other negative emotion]. Nobody ever warned me of that. I mean people said "It's going to be hard." But you know, life is just hard in general. So "hard" doesn't really encompass much.

Let me also say that the terrifying-stressful-scary-emotional-overhwhelmingness of this time in our(mine+Ryan's) lives has one hundred percent been God's way of drawing us nearer to Him.

I think that amidst the planning and excitement we so easily forget who brought us and our loves together in the first place. It's so easy to forget because planning in itself is so naturally under our control. Planning is a really dangerous thing if you think about it. Checkmark after checkmark you can push yourself farther and farther from Him. No wonder fear can so easily overtake.

4 Reminders For The Engaged 

(and everyone else) 

From Isaiah 41:10-14

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand... I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you...  Do not be afraid... do not fear, for I myself will help you," 

You are not alone. 

You have strength.

He will help you. 

He will hold you up. 

So do not be afraid.