Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Confessions Of My Wandering Heart

I've written so much this year about being in a long distance relationship, but I think that's because this relationship has revealed to me so many of my own imperfections.

I am not good at communicating out loud. I freeze, words don't flow, my thoughts start racing and I can't figure out what sentence to say first.

I can be overly sensitive and emotional. When things are going my way it's easy to smile. But when my plans get changed being happy gets a lot harder.

I am tragically selfish. Some people call my generation the entitled generation, and as much as I try to deny it, there is a lot of truth in that claim for me. I think I deserve so much. I often tell myself that I deserve Ryan's attention. And if he ever changes plans or picks anything over me, I want to make him feel bad about it. I want him to realize that it bothers me, remorsefully apologize, and change the situation (aka: pick me instead).

I like to assign blame when things go wrong. That's probably rooted in my strong sense of justice. When there are reasons for things - when people are held responsible - life becomes easier to handle.

I like to have control. I hold onto life with a white-knuckle kind of grasp. I like to do things my own way because there are things I believe I'm best at. The truth is, I don't enjoy blaming people. I would rather be the one responsible for things going wrong, because then I know how to put the delicate pieces back together.

This is one of the hardest realities that has hit me this year.

I am entirely, completely imperfect.

Sin is my tragic flaw. 

[Tragic Flaw: A trait that will lead to downfall] 

The most memorable tragic flaw to me was King Lear's love of appearances. He was always interested in the showy kinds of love - the big declarations and flowery words. His attraction to appearances resulted in his blindess to sincerity, and this blindess led to his death. 

As hard as I may try to weave my way through the words of my own story, the reality is that my sin will lead to my death.

So who am I to think I deserve anything?

First of all, my life is not about me. Yes, I play a part. I do my best to take care of myself and make the right choices. But I am not in any way the most important part of my life. Secondly, God created me to glorify Him. I am not meant to radiate a product of my own goodness, I am meant to radiate a product of God's character (His love). In what way does my sense of entitlement or selfishness radiate His love?

My life is not about me. What a realization.

I read last week about a young wife's realizations from her new marriage and there is one thing that I think she explained so well. Relationships are really not about compromise. 

I was always taught that compromising was the best option (like when you're in grade four and you have a friend over and you can't decide what to play, or when you're fourteen and you and your parents are trying to come up with a reasonable curfew). But this writer proposed the idea that compromise doesn't work in romantic relationships because then neither person walks away satisfied.

Instead, relationships are about giving. When one person gives, then the other can be entirely satisfied - experiencing the utmost happiness.

Thankfully Ryan is a man after God's own heart. Despite my unfortunate failures, he generously extends grace. He freely gives. He practices patience beyond the circumstances. He unconditionally lavishes love. He stretches himself thin, yet still finds more to sacrifice. Always more.

Isn't that what Christ did for us?

He gave it all, so that we could overcome our tragic failures. Without this Overcoming, we would have no way to experience joy in full.

He made it all about us and our freedom. Now it's our turn to make it all about Him.

- Kayla

Read about an Always More kind of love