Pride and Perfectionism

Whenever I make a mistake I get this horrible sickening, heart-dropping feeling somewhere right between my lungs and my stomach. 

It doesn’t matter if it’s my mom calling my name because I forgot to wipe the counter or if it's the distant flashing lights of a police car causing me to double check if I am speeding, my mind spins and my heart races when I anticipate the fact that I might have made a mistake. 

I don't handle my mistakes well, and that is probably a result of my highschool experience. I graduated highschool with an average in the high 90s, and to this day I am still convinced that is really the only reason why I was acknowledged as a person during my teenage years. I was the one who edited, explained, and met everybody's expectations. And as a result, my personal grading scale became a little warped:

100 - perfect! you should be so proud of yourself
97-99 - you did an amazing job
94-96 - really good! just a few things you did wrong
90-93 - you could have a done better, but you didn't do a bad job
87-89 - not awful
84-86 - you should have studied harder
80-83 - were you not paying attention to anything in class?
less than 79 - you failed
*disclaimer: I do not believe that 70s or 80s are bad marks for anyone to receive. In fact, I think that they are incredible marks and reflect extremely hard work. This 'marking scale' is simply what I have come to expect of myself* 

Being someone who cares a lot about my grades in school, I also attribute all of my real-world mistakes to percentages: 
Forgetting to put my bowl in the dishwasher would be about a 94% - not the end of the world but still could have done better.

Letting my emotions get the best of me would probably be around an 83% - so close, but I just couldn’t do it.
A possible speeding ticket would probably be somewhere around a 10% - those flashing lights would mean I have nearly done everything wrong.

And forgetting to hand in a paper because I was stressed about a midterm? - well, complete and utter failure. 

Failure. 

I hate that word. 

It has become such an adjective. A way of describing people. A way of describing the things that we do and the results of our actions - whether our mistakes were intentional or not. And sometimes, as hard as we try not to fail - it still happens. And then that happening ends up defining us because that moment of failure is what stands out to the world. So frustrating. 

Adjectives entirely define things. The afternoon sky is defined by it’s blue colour. Apples are defined by their crunchy sound. Drinking water is defined by its pristine clarity. Winter is defined by the cold air, and summer by its warmth. 

We should not defined by failure. 

Perfectionism has always been (and probably always will be) a battle for me. I have been told almost every day for the entirety of my life that I "don't have to be perfect" and that there is "more to me than my average in school" and that "marks don't define me" and that "it's okay to make mistakes" and when I don't do as well as I want to "God has a plan" and I "just need to breathe." And I am thankful for everyone who has ever reminded me of that. But I have to say that as much as I recognize the truth in those statements, the words have become white noise. I mean, it's pretty easy to say those things when you're not the one in the situation (when you don't have expectations and averages and $25000 scholarships hanging over your head). 

On top of all that advice, I have read so many books about grace and being a girl and how I shouldn't try so hard to be perfect (note: I highly recommend Graceful by Emily P. Freeman to every girl who has ever doubted herself). I have learned all about the freedom we have in Jesus and I have been reminded multiple times that He loves us no matter how well we do or don't do. I have been reminded that we can't reach perfection because of sin, and I have been reminded of the value we have because of His love. I 'know' all of the things that I'm supposed to. Yet for some reason that knowledge hasn't been overly useful.

- - - 

A couple weeks ago I was having a conversation with one of my friends about how much I hate making mistakes. At first she was sympathetic and encouraging like any friend would be. But then she said something so humbling: 

"Kayla, maybe it's not about you." 

My initial reaction was to defend myself ("Of course it's about me, I'm the one who makes the mistakes! And I'm the one who suffers from my mistakes!"). But after a moment her words made sense, and I realized why all of that stuff that I 'knew' hadn't made a difference. It really isn't about me. 

Pride leads us to believe that our human-ness (whatever we do or don't do) matters most. We end up focusing on our mistakes, our shortcomings, or whatever we see as failure. We focus on the percentages on marked essays, the number of times we are reprimanded, and the way we handle our emotions. Of course, our mistakes are our own and we need to take responsibility for the fact that we are human, and we are sinful. But that’s not where it ends. 

We have been chosen. We have been given the opportunity to be made free. We have been invited by our First Love to live under Grace for all of eternity. We are not under the law anymore. We are not constrained by this world and its sin. 

“Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead you live under the freedom of God's grace.” 

Romans 6:14 

We are defined by the Grace that was bought for us on the cross. We live under this Grace. This Grace allows us to breathe. To love. To live. To make mistakes. And even more than that - to learn and grow from our mistakes. It’s not the end if we fail an exam or let our emotions get the better of us or forget something important. Because Jesus died. 

For you. For me. For us. 

So that paper that you didn't do well on? It’s at the cross.

That day that everything went wrong and you took it out on your family? It’s at the cross.

That time you overslept and ended up being late? It’s at the cross. 
That speeding ticket? It's at the cross. 

Jesus took it all. We don’t have to be perfect, because He is. We simply need to sit at His feet and be willing to learn, in the presence of His Refreshing, Healing, Redeeming Love. 

We are free. 

- Kayla 

Katie Cottrell Photography

Dear Sixteen Year Old Girl

There is so much that I wish I could go back to tell you. So many lessons I have learned and so many things I have realized now that I am separate from all of the situations that used to seem so daunting.

You were never fond of listening to anyone's advice. You have always been so independent and so stubborn. I can tell you now, that is one thing that might not ever change. But dear young highschool girl, all the advice that was given to you would have been so useful to listen to. 

Those people who told you to embrace your highschool years? They knew what they were talking about. It might not seem like it now, but highschool sets the stage. The things you learn in highschool will be some of the most important lessons you ever learn. The friendships that you make will impact you forever. The choices you make will affect the way you view yourself. The way you prioritize actually matters. So be involved. Find what makes your heart happy and embrace it. Don't worry about fitting in with the right people. In the end, nobody will care who you were or were not friends with. Find your place and choose to love it. 

People are going to be watching you once they find out that you love Jesus. Don’t let that scare you. Let that motivate you. You have been given a profound opportunity to influence so many people. So share God’s love and don’t be afraid to talk about Him. Use the gifts He has given you to better His kingdom. Take your gifts outside of school and become involved in the community too. You will love it, and it will open so many doors.

Those people who said it's not smart to date in highschool? They were right. Highschool isn't the time for falling in love with a boy. You are still figuring out who you are. Highschool is a time for falling in love with Jesus. Let Him be your First Love. You will save yourself so much hurt and confusion this way. Girls' hearts are so easily broken. So focus on friendships with the girls around you. Don’t jump to the future, and don’t give your heart away so soon. Don't think about every boy you meet as a possible boyfriend. Focus on figuring out who you are instead. Find Jesus and enjoy His love. You have so many years of freedom ahead of you. Embrace them. 

Beautiful highschool girl, you don't have to be the smartest. That other girl who always gets one mark higher than you on everything? You don't need to compare yourself to her. Other people's opinions don't matter. In five years nobody will even remember your mark on that Grade 11 Chemistry assignment. And don't worry about whether or not your marks are good enough for university. God already knows where you will end up going. So stop stressing. Let go of your anxiety. All God asks is that you do your best. You don't need to strive anymore. 

I wish I could go back in time to tell you to value your relationships with your parents. You don’t think that they understand you, but they do. You doubt their love for you, but you shouldn't. I know that you think your mom is annoying, but she’s really not. When she tells you to change what you’re wearing it’s because she knows exactly how you can look most beautiful. And I know that you think your dad is overprotective, but I’ll tell you a secret. Dads are always right. They have wisdom that nobody can explain. Seriously, they just know things. Your parents have your best interest in mind. They really do know a lot. Sometimes they just forget what it was like to be your age. So cut them some slack. Talk to them. Fight less. Argue less. Listen more. Take a deep breath when they frustrate you, and remember that God asks you to honour your parents. They aren't perfect, but they will always love you. 

Your siblings are important too. Your sister will be your best friend one day. She will look up to you and admire you more than anyone else. She loves you even when she yells at you. Your brother loves you too. He is always looking out for you and wants the best for you. He has insight and sees things you don’t see. So invest in those relationships. Be patient with your sister. Talk to her. Love her and love your brother. Listen to them. They matter.

When things aren’t easy - when there is so much pain in your family, when you feel like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster, when nothing seems to be going right, when you feel alone, when you feel worthless, when a boy hurts you or a friend leaves you - remember that Jesus is with you. He will not leave. He always stays. So lean on Him. Go after Him with everything that you are. Every time that you see a sunset or a flower, every time a friend encourages you or something does go your way, it’s not a coincidence. Jesus is pursuing you. He wants you to fully trust Him. Only then will He give you your heart’s desires.

Young girl, don't live for the future. You might think it will be easier, but it really won't be. Every stage of your life is going to come with its own set of trials. God always has things to teach us, but He always has blessings to give us as well. So find those blessings. Find the good in the place where you are. Even more than that, find ways to give hope to those around you. Be the good in the place where you are. 

Dear sixteen year old self, you are so beautiful. Highschool tends to destroy self esteem. But I want you to know that you were created in the most perfect image. God loves when you are bubbly and excited, and He also loves when your gentle spirit shines through. You don't need to fit in to be beautiful. You don't need to always be surrounded by your friends to be confident. God has given you confidence. He has given you the most radiant beauty.

So smile more often. Let your eyes sparkle. Curl your hair if you want to. Wear sweatpants to school if you want to. Leave your hair in a messy bun if you wake up late. Just be confident. 

Dear girl, have a teachable spirit. Open your ears to wisdom. Be thankful often. Forgive always. Practice patience. Love yourself. Love people. Guard your heart. And most of all, love Jesus. 

Trust that your life is going to be wonderful. And let yourself shine.

I promise that one day everything you have been told will make sense.

- Kayla & Jessica 

[co-authored by Jessica Bellemore www.inomnia-paratus.blogspot.ca]

Lessons (From A Different Kind Of Summer)

It's sometimes crazy how drastically God can change our plans.

I think most people go into a summer with plans and dreams and mile-long bucket lists - trying to come up with ways to cram every adventure into one wonderful summer of perfect memories.

I don't know if it's the same for anyone else, but my summers never seem to turn out the way I originally plan. For example, last summer I planned on working as many as hours as possible before I started university. Instead, I ended up occasionally babysitting and filling the majority of my time with road trips, camping adventures, photoshoots, and a dream trip to Arizona. It was perfect. And I guess after such an amazing summer last year I had high expectations for this summer as well.

This summer was so different from anything I could have planned.

I had a couple of job options, but I wasn't very excited about any of them. I really didn't know where I was going to end up. Then my mom ran into one of her friends at the grocery store, and she suggested that I apply to work at her daughter's camp. At first I wasn't convinced that committing to a camp for the summer would be the best choice, but I went onto the website anyways. Even though it turned out that the deadline had long passed, my mom encouraged me to apply. I spent an entire night writing a letter of introduction and sent it out in an email, along with my resume. A couple weeks later I got a call from the camp director, and the following week I had an interview. The week after that I had made a commitment to work at camp for the summer. 

It was a special needs camp. And for anyone who knows me, this would seem like the perfect place for me to work. It's where my heart is. I have invested years and years into different children with different needs, all in different places. But the first weeks of this summer were hard. 

We Can't Rely On Ourselves For Anything

I quickly realized that my job was completely exhausting. I would go home each day drained of patience, and wake up barely able to open my eyes enough to safely drive to work. Coffee became my best friend in the morning, but that still left me to struggle through the afternoons.

The problem with camp is that you can't just go through the motions. Especially when there are children who run away or want to be pulled in a wagon or need to be guided through transitions. 

These are the experiences that God puts us through to teach us that we can't do anything without Him.

Prayer is powerful. It is so important to continually bring ourselves back to Him. We are called to consecrate ourselves - to give God the glory by letting Him do what we cannot do for ourselves. When we consecrate ourselves, there is room for His power to be shown (Joshua 3:5).

He is the only real source of patience, grace, happiness, kindness, peace, love -- everything we need. 

There Is Always Something To Learn (And Giving Up Doesn't Work)

I went into the summer thinking I was completely prepared. I've worked with children who have special needs for 6 years - what more would I need to know?

I quickly realized there was whole lot I didn't know. There were schedule systems and transition objects and certain words that I had to remember to use. Then after the first two weeks of camp I thought I had it figured out again. Until a new set of campers came to camp. On top of all that, I realized that eight hours is a long time to be stuck with the same children. And I also learned that not every counsellor has the same opinions.

God always has something to teach us. For me, that included humility, patience, and grace.

When God presents us with situations, we have a choice to either let Him bring us through it and transform us, or turn around and run away. Even though turning around might be the easier choice, it doesn't work. We can't give up on everything that seems challenging. We are called to press on (Philippians 3:14). Paul even wrote that mature Christians will continually act on the guidance that God provides and strive to reach the goal that He has set before them (Philippians 3:15-16).

God wants to stretch us, grow us, and teach us about who He is. He always has a perfect purpose. 

Following God's Will Isn't Always Easy 

For some reason I used to have this idea that if I did what God wanted my life would suddenly become filled with rainbows and butterflies. 

After being sent in a clear direction this summer (in camp and outside of camp), I have realized that God's will is not always found on the easiest path. In fact, it's probably going to be found on the hardest path. What we think is best is probably not God's version of 'the best'. 

Sometimes what's best even means sacrificing everything that we think we so badly want.

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." Matthew 16:24-25

"As they led him away, they seized Simon from Cyrene, who was on his way in from the country, and put the cross on him and made him carry it behind Jesus." Luke 23:26

God loved us enough that He sacrificed what was most important to Him. He wanted the best for us. And in return, our love for Him should be strong enough that we are willing to sacrifice anything (time, money, friendships, and even sleep - that was a hard one for me) that He asks us to. His love will always be enough to satisfy us, no matter what we feel is hard to sacrifice.


>> I always seem to think that I know what I need, but in reality, thinking about my needs isn't the point. Even though God might take away things that are important to me, ask me to sacrifice something, or lead me through difficult situations, it's really not about me. It is all about His glory. When He is glorified, the end result is always perfect. <<

Infinitely More

I never used to think of myself as somebody who fears change.

I mean, I've always known that my sister doesn't like change. Even the smallest changes, like taking a different road to church or not being able to go to horseback riding on a Thursday night because of the rain. She always needs routine, consistency, warnings, explanations. Change has always been her struggle, not mine.

If there's anything I have realized lately, though, it's that change is one of my struggles too.

I definitely don't need such exact routines as my sister. My days and weeks aren't always the same, and last minute plans are sometimes fun. But big changes are still hard.

So hard.

My sister likes consistency because when things are always the same she can prepare herself. She knows that she was to get up at exactly 7:30 if she is going to make it to her bus, and she knows that right when she gets home from school she can make her chocolate-strawberry smoothie as a snack. On Mondays she goes to Courtney's house, and once a month she can go out for dinner with my grandparents. Each day and week is organized and there aren't any surprises.

When I think about the big picture of my life, that's kind of what it looks like for me too. I have plans for myself. Good plans. Plans that make sense to me. Plans that prepare me and help me know what steps to take. I have lists and deadlines and schedules.

The thing is, when we follow God's leading change is inevitable. Whether we like it or not, things are always going to be changing. God wants our lives to move forward so that He can fulfill His purpose in each of us.

But what is His purpose for us? Why does He have to turn our worlds upside down?

--

He wants us to be happy
I didn't fully realize until a couple days ago that God really does know us inside and out. He seriously knows us better than we know ourselves. We could have the most perfectly designed dreams, but He still has something planned that He knows we will like better. I don't even know how that's possible because I always seem to think I have it all figured out. Still, every time, God seems to say: "Sorry, my plan will bring you so much more happiness."

Whoever trusts the Lord will be happy.
Proverbs 16:20

If we are going to get anywhere in life, we need to realize that we don't know ourselves as well as we think we do. The One who created us knows what will bring us the most joy.

He wants to strengthen us
I think another reason why change is so hard is because it carries with it an entire collection of unknowns. When God brings something along that isn't the same as what we had previously planned, it's hard for us to imagine what the outcome will be. We don't know what steps to take or where we will end up. That's why change is inevitable with God. He turns our worlds upside down so that we will realize we are powerless and be forced to trust Him instead of ourselves.

For when I am weak, then I am strong
2 Corinthians 12:10

If life was completely consistent, and if we directed our own steps, faith wouldn't exist.

He wants to align our priorities
Sometimes we become consumed with routines and accomplishments. To-do lists and schedules become complete idols. We have our perfect plans and we like them. It's comforting to have things all in order. But sometimes we need change to remind us what's really important. For me, maybe God continually turns my world upside down to remind me that hiding in my room and studying for hours on end isn't furthering His kingdom. For some people, maybe God wants to take away old jobs and provide new jobs that will help their gifts shine more brightly, or maybe He wants to move some people away from home so that they can learn the importance of new friendships. There are so many opportunities than come with change.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will. 
Romans 12:2

--

I think when it comes down to it we all have a love-hate relationship with change. We have small longings to take risks and see what happens. We want to be closer to God, and we try to move in that direction, but fear always gets in the way.

Peter was a disciple who longed to have those faith-stretching moments with Jesus. He asked Jesus to call him onto the water, but when he finally stepped out "he became afraid and began to sink" (Matthew 14:30). Peter cried out to Jesus, and Jesus reached out for Peter right away. Of course He would never let Peter drown! He then questioned Peter's doubt and calmly erased the wind and the waves. Peter had become so overwhelmed with the unfamiliarity of the situation around him that he forgot Jesus was right there.

We need to realize that God isn't going to lead us in the wrong directions. It actually seems ridiculous to think that we know more about the world and our lives than He does.

We don't have the ability to fathom what He has planned for us. Even the greatest creations of our imaginations can't compare to the everlasting vastness of God and His perfect plans.

So when we love God more than anything else (including our own ideas and to-do lists), we don't have to be afraid of surprises and changes. God moves mountains and works miracles when we step out of our comfort zones.

And His greatest blessings will come when we least expect them.


-Kayla 

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty work at power within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. 

Ephesians 3:20-21 

To All You Girls Out There (Part 2)

Sometimes being a girl is such a struggle. 

We hear from such a young age that we are all equal. We're not supposed to think about how well other people are doing because we all have different strengths, we're all smart, we all have purposes, and we're all beautiful in our own way.

But we still compare ourselves. Every day. 

I mean, half the reason that girls spend so much time focusing on their appearance isn't because they want to impress guys (sorry boys). It's because they want other girls to think they have nice clothes/shoes/hair/eyelashes/nails/etc. We all want to hear "you look so pretty today!" or "where did you get your shoes?" or "oh my goodness your hair is perfect" because the positive reinforcement feels good. It encourages us and confirms that other people think we're 'good enough.'

We're afraid if we don't have the right hipster-looking outfits or a classy-but-not-too-fancy dress we'll get weird looks or not be part of 'the right crowd.' 

I know these seem like problems that only happen in junior high, but that's not the way it is. So many girls have the same insecurities many years later, but the worries are just hidden and the judgement from others is more discreet. 

It's such a struggle. 

How many times have you seen a girl at school or in the mall or somewhere else and you just think "she has the most perfect hair" or "I love her outfit"? It's such a natural and easy thought. But the problem is that it automatically makes you compare yourself. You start thinking about your own hair and your own shoes and your own eyelashes and you wonder if other people think those things about you. 

And then there's the profile picture problem. There are those girls who get hundreds of likes on their profile pictures, and it makes you wonder why you don't have that many. You wonder if everyone likes those girls better, and that maybe that's why you only have 43 likes. But why do we define ourselves by the number of likes and hearts and followers we get?! It doesn't even make sense. 

We also overthink everything (example: we go from "oh that guy is cute" to "I wonder if he wants kids one day" within 8 seconds) and we can't even help it. We walk past a group of girls whispering and immediately wonder if they're talking about us. We say hi to a guy and then wonder if he thinks we're weird. We join a conversation and then wonder if we talk too much. And for me personally, I turn red when anyone looks in my direction even though I'm not embarrassed, but then I start thinking about the fact that I turn red and it makes me embarrassed.  

If only girls could turn off their thoughts for a few seconds to get rid of the constant comparison and the obsessive overthinking. 

-- 

This morning I was reading in Genesis 29. That's the chapter where Jacob goes to Laban's house and works for 7 years so that he can marry Rachel (side note: how amazing would it be to have a guy work for seven years just because he wanted to be with you?!). For those of you who don't know the story, Laban ended up not keeping his end of the deal, so on Jacob's wedding day it was actually Leah (Rachel's sister) who he ended up marrying. Leah wasn't the 'beautiful' sister that Jacob wanted (Leah had weak eyes), so he worked for another seven years so that he could marry Rachel as well, his first choice. 

A couple months ago I read this story in my sister's children's bible, and it changed my whole entire view of the story. I always thought that it must have been frustrating for Jacob. I felt bad for him. I mean he worked so hard and didn't even get what he was working for! But in my sister's bible (The Jesus Storybook Bible) it highlights the story so differently. 

It made me realize how hard it must have been for Leah, the unwanted sister. She probably compared herself to Rachel all the time . Her sister was the one with "a beautiful figure and a lovely face" (verse 18). She probably had a lot of insecurities. And it would have been even worse when she finally got married, only to realize it was a mistake because Jacob never wanted her. Or maybe she knew what was going on. Either way, if I was Leah I would probably not feel too great about myself.

The beautiful thing about the story is that it makes it so clear how God sees the unloved. 

Not only did God enable Leah to have children, but her line of children would lead directly to Jesus, the Prince of Heaven. She was in the line of royalty. 

God made her a princess. 

Rachel was the beautiful sister. The one who was wanted. The one that Jacob worked fourteen years for. But Leah was the one who God saw, and chose to use in an incredibly special way. 

-- 

So here is what I have learned about comparing myself: 

It's completely pointless. 
Our stories are all so different. We have different purposes, different eyes, different hair, different strengths. And yes, that is what we have all been told for our whole lives. But it's so clear from the story of Leah and Rachel that God uses us for those differences. Leah was the one He chose to be in the line of royalty, and it's because she was Leah. Not because she was Rachel. The story would have been so different without Leah in it. We are all needed for a purpose. 

It doesn't change anything. 
Where has comparison ever got you? Do you feel better about yourself after spending hours comparing your hair type to your friend's? Probably not. You feel unworthy and unwanted and not good enough for anything. If Leah did compare herself to Rachel, it didn't make a difference. God still used her for the purpose He made her for. She didn't become any different by comparing. So just choose not to compare. Focus on who you are in God. That's where your identity is found. 

None of us are perfect anyways. 
When we compare, we always compare what we think are 'bad' qualities to other people's 'good' qualities. "She's so outgoing and I'm so not." "She has perfect hair and I don't." "She's a size 2 and I'm a size 6." The problem with that is that everybody's opinion is so subjective. Of course you're going to see your own flaws. And of course you're going to see that other people don't have the same flaws as you. But they feel the same way! They aren't perfect either, and they criticize themselves just as much as you criticize yourself (whether they will admit it or not). 

-- 

Above all else, you are beautiful. 

Seriously.

You have beautiful eyes, beautiful hair, a beautiful smile. 

Let yourself radiate with God's love. That is what stands out. 

Let Him shine through you, and be the most beautiful you that you could possibly be. 

Do not let a guy, a friend, a sibling, a stranger, or anyone  ever define your beauty. 

Your Creator is the Only One who has the right to tell you whether or not you are beautiful. 

And He says that you are. 


Kayla 

Katie Cottrell Photography 

Her worth is far more than diamonds

 Proverbs 31:10 

Those (Enjoyable?) Times When You Have To Wait

I think that periods of waiting can be some of the worst points in our lives.

When we're young we have to learn to wait in lines and to go out for recess. We have to wait to be excused from the table because social etiquette says so, and we have to wait our turn with our hand raised in the air because that's kindergarten curriculum. The time-frame that constitutes 'waiting' when we're little seem so incredibly long and painful in the moment, but it's so ridiculously short in comparison to the things we are forced to wait for when we're older.

We wait for the possible healing of life-threatening illnesses, and we wait for traumatic situations to pass. We wait for God's direction regarding what we're going to do with the rest of our lives(!!), and we wait for Him to bring us the things we've been hoping for. We wait years and years to get married, and then sometimes for so much longer before we can have families. We wait for acceptance letters and for once-in-a-lifetime opportunities to come along. And the list goes on. These things are so much bigger than grocery store lines and the anticipated chocolate cake that comes after dinner.

The other problem that plagues us as we grow up is how we learn a little bit more about the world, and then we think that's enough to make it on our own. So we come up with these perfectly masterminded plans that don't leave any room at all for waiting. Then we become overwhelmed when things happen that interfere with the plans we've made, and we think I don't have time for this! On the outside we display content smiles and kind voices, but on the inside anxiety is swarming around making us think we have to immediately move on to the next task.

I'm one of those people who likes to have everything planned out and set in place a month in advance, so when I don't have clear direction, or if I know something is going to come but I don't know the exact details, it's a struggle for me. I can't wait to find out. I need time to prepare myself. I need to know why, how, where, who, what, and (most importantly) when.

In reality, we never know the exact answers to those things, and we are forced against our human nature to wait.

To be honest, sometimes I still don't really know what to do when I have to wait (or if I'm supposed to do anything at all), but here is what I have learned:


Patience Isn't Passive (Or Panicked)
When we're in a period of waiting we either frantically try to speed ahead and figure things out on our own, or we think that we're supposed to sit and wait for something to drop out of the sky. And it's true that sometimes God is teaching us how to be still. We are definitely supposed to wait on Him. But we are also supposed to be (peacefully!) active in our efforts to continue serving Him (that's our purpose!).

When we are focusing all of our efforts on serving Him, everything else will become clear. Our mindset should not be on the panicked planning our life-schedules. It should be completely consumed with loving Him and serving Him to the best of our abilities.

Hebrews 12:1 says that we should "run with patience." It also says that we should throw off sin and the things that weigh us down. Nothing should get in the way of us actively serving God and running the race He has laid out.


Patience Is Rewarding
When we are quick to act on our own judgement and plans, we often miss out on the amazing things that God is going to give us later. We so quickly forget that life is a collection of moments, and not just a single second.

When we choose to wait on God, despite the pressure and temptation of the present-moment, we will be rewarded in the future.

And when we keep in mind that God can be in every moment, while we can only live in a single moment, it is much easier to put our faith in His best plan.


Patience Is Revealing
There are so many examples in the Bible of men and women who are defined by their patient character.

Abraham waited for longer than a lot of people will ever live before he was finally blessed with a son, as God had promised (Genesis 21:2). Job endured pain, persevering through his extreme discomfort (the entire book of Job). James tells us that these figures of faith (Isaac, Moses, David, Elisha, Daniel, etc.) were "example(s) of patience in the midst of suffering" (5:10).

And most importantly, Jesus "endured the cross" (Hebrews 12:2).

Personally, I want to be someone who faithfully trusts and waits on God, rather than acting to please my earthly self in split-second decisions.

Patience reveals whether we are truly devoted to His will - whether we really trust Him with all of our hearts.


Patience Is Faith-Building
Those same figures that were defined by their patient character had deep faith in God.

Abraham was willing to sacrifice his son because God asked him to (Genesis 22). Even though he was probably horrified at the thought of this task, he obeyed. He knew (from previous experiences with waiting on God) that God would be faithful. Waiting helps us build faith that will be essential for the rest of our lives.

Job was a faithful man too, which is one of the reasons God tested him. God knew that he would remain faithful. But in the end, after he had endured a whole lot of suffering, his faith had become even stronger. He waited through all of the trials that were sent his way, and God revealed so much about Himself during that time.

Patience is at the root of our relationships with God, and gives us opportunities to show that we are willing to leave our lives in His hands.

--

Something that I have had to learn is to rest while I'm waiting. There's a fine balance between actively serving, and peacefully resting. Although those things seem contradictory, they go hand in hand.

I so often feel like life is too short. Like I need to get everything done right now and not waste any time.

But there is a time for everything. And sometimes God gives us seasons of waiting.

Ecclesiastes 3:12 says "there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can."

Patience so clearly brings happiness.

When we use our gifts to the best of the abilities for His glory
When we push past the pressure of the present
When we discover who we really are in Him
And when we put our entire lives in His hands, stepping out in faith
Then we will be forever content.

So seasons of waiting are times to be happy.

They are times to rest, and to appreciate all that God has done.

And most of all, they are times to look forward to all that He is going to do - because He will make everything beautiful in its time.


Enjoy the wait. 


Kayla 

Katie Cottrell Photography

[While I'm Waiting - John Waller]

If You Long For Love

Sometimes I have wondered what it would be like to have someone love me like in the movies. You know that pursuing, unconditional, spontaneous, lasting kind of love? It probably sounds cheesy, but I think every girl longs for that somewhere deep inside them. It's just part of who we are.

So often, we are willing to do anything for love. Whether that means moving somewhere to widen our horizons, putting aside our integrity, rushing through life, deceiving our families, and even deceiving ourselves. We design ideal scenarios in our heads, we daydream of perfect fantasies, we wish that our lives were fairytales.

The longing is so inherent. So persistent. So consuming.

I used to think I deserved to be loved. As if I had an entitlement to it. I longed to feel cherished and protected, and I convinced myself I was worthless when I didn't feel that way. I based my worth on my feelings. On the way other people viewed me. On imperfect reasoning and flawed judgement.

Why does it even matter what other people think? Their opinions don't define love.

Love is not a reward for meeting a standard.

Yesterday I had a conversation with one of my friends who had come to church with me for the first time. She was talking to me and another one of our friends about how she's really thankful for our friendships. I forget her exact words, but they were something along the lines of "I'm thankful that I have friends who love me. I mean it's not like we would ever die for each other or anything, but I'm still thankful."

"It's not like we would ever die for each other." 

In all the movies you have ever watched, all those feel-good comedies and happy-ending dramas, think of all the times that someone has sacrificed their life for someone. Or even just sacrificed something.

Jack lets Rose have the raft so she won't freeze.
Peter Parker risks his life to save Mary Jane.
Rapunzel gives up her freedom so Flynn can be healed.
Then Flynn gives up his life so Rapunzel can be free.
Noah sacrifices his time so he can read to Allie.
Captain von Trapp gives up everything so his family can be safe.
Tim gives up his dad so he can be with his wife and children.
Olaf is willing to melt for Anna.
Anna dies so Elsa can live.

Sacrifice is everywhere.

And this isn't an original Hollywood idea. It's definitely not from such a self-centred world where everything is about self-improvement and personal wealth and materialistic happiness. Tiffany rings and dinners at Baton Rouge. Crimson roses and heart-shaped chocolates.

Does this world even know what love is?

"It's not like we would ever die for each other." 

It's so fitting that my friend chose those words. As if somewhere deep inside, her heart was longing for that exact thing.

To die for someone. To sacrifice yourself. Now this is love. 

How heartbreaking is it that so many of us don't know what love really means? That we don't know how to satisfy the love that we long for? We try to fill the gaps with sweet words and emotional highs. Even with families and children and the busyness of work. We think that accomplishments will fill our need for love. We want to have a purpose. We want to know we're important to the world.

This is real love - not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins. 1 John 4:10 

This is the absolute greatest love story ever told. This is the love story that we all long for. That we were designed for.

We want someone to love us this way. To give up everything. To go to the ends of the earth for us. To love us no matter how imperfect we are. To go through agony and pain just so that we don't have to. To give us a reason to live. To die for us.

Usually we celebrate love on Valentine's Day. But there is so much love wrapped up in Easter and Christmas, and every other day for that matter.

Someone loved you with so much powerful love that He died for you. He took the weight of the world upon Himself so that you wouldn't have to (John 19:17). He paid the price in full (John 19:30). He didn't have to do it. We are completely imperfect and completely saturated with sin. We don't deserve to be loved and we have no entitlement to it. But He chose to die for us. He wanted to.

This is why love is not a reward for measuring up.

This is why we have purpose.

The reality of love says that you are worth dying for - no matter what you have done or what you will do. The reality of love is the reason you are alive right now. You are deeply treasured and gently cherished.

This where our passions should grow from. Not from fairytale day dreams, but from real love. He is love. And He is so much greater than anything else.

You are being pursued by the one and only God who gave up everything and died for you.

And as for your wish for a perfect love story?

It has already come true.


-Kayla 

Katie Cottrell Photography

Agape: selfless, sacrificial, unconditional love that only comes from God. 

What Every University Student Needs To Know

In 9 days I will be finished my first year of university, and I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around that. It seems like 2 days ago I was frantically walking around the halls looking for room 114 and quickly trying to find the right seat that would be the perfect distance from the front.

I have learned so many important things this year. Of course I don't have as many experiences as someone who has graduated, or even someone in second or third year, but I think that God has shown me some pretty fundamental things.

I graduated grade 12 with my life figured out. I was going to major in psychology and minor in linguistics, and I was going to take only one English course, graduate in exactly 4 years (not a single day more), and spend 2 years taking my Master of Health Sciences in Speech Language Pathology at the University of Toronto (not anywhere else). Then I would be hired at either Bloorview, Sick Kids, or Grandview (a little bit of flexibility there), and somewhere in that mix I would find time to get married and live happily ever after.

When I started university this past fall, that was my mindset. My life was set in stone because that's the way I liked it. When there aren't any grey areas, everything is pretty comfortable right? So I went straight to the academic advisor and told him the exact courses I would like to take and when I would like to finish them. He kindly suggested that I allow myself some flexibility because students tend to change their minds, and I kindly responded that I really wasn't like every other student and I would most definitely not be changing my mind about anything.

God tends to shake things up when we don't have the right mindset.

It turns out I really don't like university English, and some parts of psychology aren't so great either. Health sciences are apparently my favourite thing now? And after volunteering at a specialized communication preschool I realized that speech language pathology isn't as exciting as I once thought. On top of all that, I ended up only being able to take four courses each semester so that means I'll graduate in 4.5 years instead of my personal, and very exact, 4 year deadline.

So to every university student, and anyone who likes to have control, here is what I have learned:

You don't have to have your life figured out 
I really think it's hard for us to let go of control. There is comfort in holding onto life's steering wheel because then the road that we are on lines up with the map in our head. Maybe it's just me, but having things figured out in my mind makes life seem pretty safe and secure.

The problem with that way of thinking is that if we only follow the map in our head, we will never have any idea what other roads offer. We get stuck in our point of view because we think our plan is great.

But what about something greater?

Think about how God has a birds-eye-view of everything (Job 28:24). He knows what's out there. He can see exactly where you fit into the huge world (Psalm 139:16), and sometimes He might want to turn the steering wheel so you can end up in that perfectly fitting place.

Be open to a change of direction.

God doesn't see you the way you see yourself
Going into my first year (and actually just going into life in general) I was (and still sometimes am) really hard on myself. This year I was trying to maintain a scholarship with tagged-on (really high!) expectations. Being someone who already has high expectations of myself, this didn't help.

Losing 0.33% of a grade because I circled one wrong answer was not okay. Neither was getting one 'X' on a syntactic tree (even without a mark deduction) because I extended a line too far. And it was definitely not okay to lose 2 marks for forgetting to fill in one column of an online lab chart. (The fact that I still remember every detail of those mistakes shows that I am clearly a work in progress!)

In my mind, all of these things were interfering with the way everybody else was going to see me.

Does anybody really care that I forgot to fill in that column? Probably not. In the big picture of life, those things aren't even visible.

The even better news is that to God, none of our mistakes are visible. He has promised to "never again remember our sins" (Hebrews 8:12) once we submit to Him.

This promise of grace is so incredibly relieving. Because of His Grace, we don't have to continually strive. We don't have to meet the expectations that the world places on us, because He has overcome the world (John 16:33).


Being thankful will change your life 
This year I learned how powerful it is to simply be thankful.

It's really easy to appear thankful and say you're thankful without really meaning it, but when you truly are thankful from the bottom of your heart, with every part of your being, it is powerful. 

Worries, plans, stress, frustration, anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, caving under pressure (all the common emotions that rise up especially in university) - all of these feelings evaporate to the heavens when you choose to be thankful. When you take a minute to rest in the present moment and thank God for all He has blessed you with.

It is impossible to be worried when you think about everything that God has given you and what a powerful and merciful God He is.

Completely perspective-changing.


There are more important things than school 
I went into university with sort of a 'get in and get out' mindset. I wasn't there to have fun and make friends, I was there to learn. It took me almost 2 semesters to learn that having friends and spending time together outside of lectures is actually stress-relieving.

Time isn't going to stop while you're in school. Life keeps moving. We need to make the most of the time that has been given to us. Some days you are definitely going to have to spend hours upon hours studying and finishing assignments, (some days just aren't the greatest!) but there's a balance. Take breaks! Go meet a friend for lunch, have a movie night, even invite a friend to study with you if you really can't pull yourself away from it.

John 15:13 says "There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends." Make sure you invest in your relationships. Don't let people drift away and don't miss out on memories. It's important for people (friends & family) to know that you care, even amongst the busyness of your life. Sometimes it might be important to sacrifice that extra hour of study time for someone. School (and the confusion at this point in your life) isn't forever, but your friends & family will be.

And no matter how busy you feel or how stressed-out you are, time with Jesus is essential. Nothing is as important as your relationship with Him. When you choose to be still in His presence, the plan that He has for you will become so clear, and peace will take over your life (Philippians 4:6-7).

--

You might know exactly where you're going. You might be able to see very clearly the direction that God is taking you.

You might be worried because your future looks misty. You might want to give God control but you don't know how to.

Or you might not really care where God wants to take you so you're holding on to control as tightly as you can.

But no matter where you are, where you think you're going, or where you have been:

Choose to be open. Choose to be thankful. And know that He is giving you peace and direction with open arms.

Your future is safe. 

And you are going to do amazing things.


- Kayla 

I know that Your love breaks my fall 

Scandal of grace, You died in my place so my soul will live 

Cornflower Blue (For Everyone Who Fears The Unknown)

When people ask me why I worry about things, I often say it's because I hate change. Or because I don't like the idea of the unknown.

I really like when things are black or white. I like clear boundaries and expectations. I like preparation and familiarity.

Every so often I long for a sprinkle of change and surprise and adventure. Sometimes it definitely is good to switch things up. Like reorganizing a room or trying out a new recipe. And there definitely is a thrill in going on a spontaneous road trip to enjoy some new scenery, or going on an expedition to an unknown place.

It's the change that we have no control over that's the problem. When we're forced to tip-toe into the unfamiliar territory. Or plunge head-first in some cases.

It's the grey areas.

They are so many problems with grey. It's the colour of stifling smoke. Soggy slush. Filmy fog. Murky mud. It's so unclear. Suffocating.  Depressing. Blinding. Dirty.

Terrifying.

At least when everything is black, your eyes can rest and you know where you're supposed to be. All you have to do is stand in one place.

In the grey areas you can't see your feet touching the ground. You are constantly searching for the light. For a moment of clarity. For reassurance that your feet are secure. You don't rest. You walk in circles and zig-zag lines. Desperate. Trying to find an unknown destination.

That is the problem with grey. It's a colour of frenzied confusion and miserable discomfort.

--

So what do you need to remember when you find yourself in the midst of the fog?

1. Navigating is not our job. 
Nobody ever said that we have to figure out a cure for the grey areas of life. Just like we have no control over the morning fog, we have no control over the every-day unknowns.

Job 37:6 says that God knows the 'balancing of the clouds.'

It is not our place to navigate through the world. He has control. His job is to understand the fog and make things clear to our human eyes in His perfect timing.


2. There is no such thing as 'the unknown.'
The unknowns of life are only unknown to us. Our stories have already been written, and our job is to have faith in the One who knows us best.

Job 28:24 says that 'He sees everything under the heavens.'

We serve the most incredible God who is Ever-Present and All-Knowing.

His plans for us are incomprehensible (Ephesians 3:20).


3. Just because you can't see the end does not mean you are alone.
Even better than the fact that He knows everything about us (Psalm 139), He has given us the option of spending every moment with Him.

When we are unsure about where to go next, when we can't see where our feet are standing or the path in front of us, we simply need to look beside us and grab onto The Hands that shaped the world in the first place.

He goes before us, and He stands beside us (Deuteronomy 31:8).

--

The grey areas are a time to practice trusting. No matter what the situation. Whether it's your future that seems grey or even the next minute of your life.

These areas aren't really grey at all. They aren't ugly or suffocating or depressing.

Growth happens in the grey. Hope shines in the grey. Trust builds in the grey.

Sky blue. Bleu de France. Tiffany box blue. Blueberry blue. Ocean blue. Periwinkle. 

We are in between the faint Baby Blue of our beginning and the rich Royal Blue that will be our entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven.

We are in the Cornflower Blue.

And it is a beautiful place to be.


Kayla

Stephen Buchan

I know who goes before me, I know who stands behind

The God of angel armies is always by my side 

Eucharisteo & The Sound of Rain

Thanks.

I have often felt burdened by that word.

It's a tag-on. A formality. Something children are taught to say when they're learning their manners. Something you say when you don't know how else to respond. Sometimes it's used at the end of a letter. Sometimes it's used sarcastically. Then there's the holiday version of it. Everyone is always so 'thankful' on that one day of the year.

Most of the time it is really just said so that people will think you're polite and kind and a morally good person.

'Thanks' is probably among one of the first words you were taught. You probably had to say 'thank you' to the kind stranger who held the door open for you. And you probably had to say 'thank you' when your mom handed you a cookie, or when your older sibling let you play with their toy.

If you think back to the first prayer that you ever learned (or even just heard) it also probably had some form of 'thanks' in it. "Thanks" is most likely one of the first things you ever said to Jesus. "Thank you Jesus for our food." "Thank you for dying on the cross." "Thank you for mommy and daddy and my house and my dog and my sister..."

Thankfulness comes so naturally for children (once they learn the word). They can think of so many things that they're thankful for. When I was younger, I would pretty much just list off everything that came to mind when somebody asked what I was thankful for. From the lamp beside my bed to my friend who lived in Sweden.

As I became older, I started to avoid the 'thanks' part of my prayers. It might have been because there were too many things that I was 'supposed' to be thankful for and it would just have taken too long to say them all. Or it could have been because it was just easier to ask for things and talk about all the problems I had. I would lie in bed saying my end-of-a-long-day prayer silently in my head, and my mind would drift. I would start off with "thank you for this day" and then I would quickly end up telling God how I had a ton of homework that I didn't get done, how I was stressed all day because I barely had time to eat, how my parents didn't understand me. Then I would talk to him about my friend drama and the person in class who had frustrated me. I would ask him to fix it all. And then - oh yeah! I forgot to apologize for yelling at my sister. So I would quickly ask for forgiveness for that. Then I would throw in an afterthought - "Thank you for loving me" or "Thank you for my family" - just so I didn't feel as guilty. And maybe I would end with telling Him how great He is and how I loved Him too.

So many demands. So little thanks.

When it came down to it, 'thank you' had lost its meaning for me (as did talking to God altogether, but that's a story for another time!).

A couple weeks ago I was challenged to think of 1000 things that I am thankful for.

When I heard that for the first time, one part of me was thinking "that's going to be so easy" and another part of me was thinking "I don't have time to write all of that down!" No part of me even considered that it actually might be an important thing to do.

Thanks still might have no meaning to you, and you might be reading these words thinking "she's just giving me another reminder to be thankful..." But I'm not going to give another reminder. Seriously just think about this. Think about every time you have ever been angry, upset, worried, bored, jealous, or impatient. In those moments did thankfulness have a home?

For me personally, my answer would be no.

When our hearts are ungrateful, our thoughts our pointless and our minds become darkened (Romans 1:20-22). God becomes angry when we don't thank him. Without thanks there is no joy. Without thanks we don't have the capacity, ability, or strength to accept God's grace.

Why?

Because joy and grace are within thanksgiving.

The story of Jesus giving thanks for a loaf of bread is what helped me understand all of this.

Luke 22:19 says that Jesus took some bread and gave thanks. The Greek translation of 'gave thanks' is eucharisteo. In a previous post I talked about the Greek word for grace, which is charis. This is also the root word of eucharisteo. To take this even further, the root of charis is chara. Chara means joy. 

So why does this matter?

At the heart of thanksgiving, there are grace and joy. Happiness is found in thanksgiving. God's gift of grace is found in thanksgiving.

Don't we all want that gift? Don't we all want to be happy?

See, there is power in thanksgiving. Not the holiday, but the action.

It changes absolutely everything.

Thanksgiving reminds us that our lives are gifts. That this world is not our own. God provides us with everything so that we can go to Him with thanks and receive the joy and grace that He wants to offer us.

I never thought that focusing on what I am thankful for would be a life-changing challenge.

When we focus on being thankful instead of giving anxiety the power to overwhelm us, peace reigns.
When we focus on being thankful instead of allowing anger to grow in our hearts, we find forgiveness. 
When we focus on being thankful instead of justifying jealousy, satisfaction resides in our souls. 

Thanksgiving brings everything to your life.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above." James 1:17

Joy.
Grace.
Peace.

Eucharisteo.


Kayla

Photo Credit: Katie Cottrell

For all Your goodness I will keep on singing, 10 000 reasons for my heart to find

My First 10 Thanks
1. Divine grace that frees me from the strive for perfection.
2. A God who loves me despite my failures.
3. A family who will never give up on me.
4. Friends who unconditionally accept me.
5. A home & country where I am safe & free to love my Saviour.
6. The opportunity & ability to pursue an education & career.
7. Never-ending provision. In every way. All of my needs are met.
8. The sound of beautifully orchestrated melodies, giggling babies, & singing robins in the spring.
9. The warmth of sunshine, the beauty of snowflakes, and the sound of rain at night.
10. Soft fuzzy blankets & earl-grey tea.
[990 more to go] :)

The Beauty of Imperfection

Recently I have realized that there are so many things that I would love to spend the rest of my life doing.

I absolutely love baking, so I think it would be really fun to spend my life working in a little bake shop in a small town in the middle of nowhere. I would love to talk with the people who come in for a morning cup of coffee, and I would love to hand out cookies to little children whose parents bring them for a small treat. 

I also love writing. Becoming an author has always been one of my dreams. I would love to get lost in the stories that God places on my heart. I could travel the world and hold book signings. I could encourage thousands of people through God-inspired words. 

In grade 12, my history teacher told each of us his thoughts about our future careers. He told me that he could see me becoming "Super Kayla." I'm not really sure what he meant by that, but I think I would love that too. 

Then there are the more practical dreams. 

I have always told everyone that I want to be a Speech Language Pathologist. And part of me still wants that. I would love to spend my life helping children learn to communicate and express themselves. It would definitely be rewarding. 

But on the other hand, if I'm going to be spending the next six years (or more) in school, will that really be enough? 

The idea of doing something 'bigger' has been speaking to my heart in every way for the past month, and the feeling won't disappear. Just when I think the idea has finally faded, someone else mentions it (like Kari Jobe at her concert in Toronto... that could not have been a coincidence!) and it's like God is whispering, "You can't run from my plan." 

I need to stop acting like Jonah. 

I can't deny that God has this amazingly-unexpected plan for me. I know exactly what He wants me to do. 

The problem right now is that I can see the end result, but I can't see how to get there. I can't see how all of my random, un-related dreams are going to fit into the plan that He has. And to be honest I don't even understand how this 'big' thing could be His plan for me in the first place. 

Sometimes I don't feel smart enough. I try so hard to do everything right. I obsess over every sentence down to the most unimportant comma, trying to make things exactly perfect so that there is no way I can fail. But sometimes my efforts still aren't enough.

Sometimes I don't feel strong enough. I become so tired after a few hours of school that I can't even bring myself to finish my next reading. 

Sometimes I'm not patient. Sometimes I'm scared to go to new places, or to even leave my house. And sometimes I don't want to be the one who always listens to everyone else. 

I am so completely imperfect.

How could He have such an exciting plan for me? 

Last night I went to a worship concert with a bunch of my friends, and I was standing in a crowd of people listening to a song I had heard many times before, but when I listened last night it hit me in a completely different way. 

So patient

So gracious

So merciful and true

So wonderful in all You do 

You fill me

You see me

You know my every move

You love for me to sing to you

I know that you are for me 

I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness

I know you that you have come down

Even if to write upon my heart

To remind me who you are 

You Are For Me - Kari Jobe

Wow. 

He is everything that we are not. 

And even though we aren't good enough on our own, He doesn't abandon us. He chooses to stay. 

He stays with us so that He can fill us with all of the qualities that we naturally lack. 

How could we run from the One who fills us with everything that we are? We need to be filled. 

We can't distance ourselves from the One who is writing our story - outlining a production that will allow us shine. Our dreams will be fulfilled to the highest degree of success. Our needs will be met. Our heavenly desires will be provided for. 

Only if we allow Him to fill us with His perfection. 

1 John 4:12 says that "God abides in us and and His love is perfected in us."

God's grace says that it's okay for us to not be perfect. It's okay for us to lack the qualities that we think we need because God is here to meet our needs. We need His love and His grace. (Ephesians 2:8)

He wants to be with us so that He can complete us. So that He can provide for us and support us and cleanse us of our imperfections. That's the whole reason Jesus died. So that we might be "without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish." (Ephesians 5:25-27)

God is very aware of the dreams and plans that each of us have - even if they are hidden in the farthest corners of our heart.

He knows all of our solitary secrets and whispered wishes. 

He knows everything that we lack when we are on our own.

But despite our imperfections, we are beautiful. 

Because of Him.

Kayla 

Photo Credit: Katie Cottrell

1 John 4:18 - There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. 

Everything I Learned In Africa (A Year and a Half Late)

It has been a year and a half since I boarded the plane to Lusaka, Zambia, and every day I wish I could relive those three weeks.

Going to Africa had always been on my bucket list. I'm not really sure why. Maybe because I wanted to make a difference. Maybe because I love to travel or because I love children. I don't know. Whatever the reason, I am so thankful that God opened the door for me and ten others to venture across the world to serve Him.

To be honest, it wasn't the kind of trip where I came home and sold all of my clothes to those in poverty, ready to become a missionary, completely changed and transformed. Although I was hoping for that kind of life-altering journey, that's not what it was like for me.

When I first came home, I was able to answer the typical questions with typical answers. "What was Africa like?" "Amazing.""Was it hard to see so many people in need?" "Yes." ""Do you think we take for granted everything we have here in Canada?" "Definitely."

But I wasn't really sure what I learned. I usually gave answers like "I learned to be thankful every day for my house" or "I realized that I'm so blessed" and it's all completely true. The thing is, a lot of people that we interacted with had houses, and food, and even families - maybe they didn't make up your typical nuclear family or live in your typical suburban house, but a lot of them were surrounded by people they loved (side note: we did visit a village that would fit your "African village" image, and that was incredibly eye opening). Anyways, I spent 21 days on the other side of the world, so there had to be something that went beyond the classic mission-trip-experience answers.

Over the past year and a half, after having lots of time to reflect, there are some things that God has shown me about those days in Africa.


I am so small. 
I don't mean that I'm just a simple young girl, 5'7", in between adolescence and adulthood, living in Ontario. And I don't mean that I'm just one person in a world of millions (because that can make a person feel small too).

I seriously mean that I am small. 

It sometimes leaves me speechless when I think about how God created all these mountains and waterfalls that are incredibly massive. Victoria Falls is only one place, in one continent out of seven. It's even small in comparison to the rest of the world.

And somehow, we think that we're entitled to everything.

We become upset when things don't go the way we planned. Hurt when people don't pay attention to us. Bitter when people get in our way. We act like we're so big.

In reality, we are just a vapor. (James 4:14).

And still, God thinks the world of us.

Do you know what that means?

Each one of us is individually as important as the entire world and all of its wonders. In His eyes, we are as beautiful as Victoria Falls. When people stand there with awe-struck smiles, cameras out, wanting to capture every detail and treasure it forever - that is a picture of how God feels about us.

Although we are small, we are worth treasuring. We were chosen. (Ephesians 1:5-8)

We need to humble ourselves (because we really are small!), but we also need to realize our worth. We have a special place in this world.


We can always worship.
Africa changed my perspective of worship.

Sometimes I forget that it's okay to praise God outside of a sanctuary. I get so caught up in having to go to church each Sunday morning so that I can sing. It is really important to do that! But it's not the only place for it.

Africa is known for its music and dancing, and there's no question why. They really do know how to sing, and they know how to dance. Even beyond that - they know how to worship. They don't hold back. No matter where they are. No matter what the circumstance.

How many of us would be singing and dancing if we didn't have homes? (Honestly.)

I don't think that I would be.

The people that I met did.

They sang on buses, they sang in fields, they sang while children were crying, they sang inside, they sang on hills. And not just a little Sunday school melody. They sang with everything in them. From their hearts.

By the end of the 21 days, my team and I were singing (and dancing!) too.

They taught us how to worship.

Let them praise his name with dancing. Psalm 149:3


When we slow down, we can hear His voice. 
I struggle so much with unpredictability. I like knowing what is going to happen next, and I like consistency. When people change plans I get very uncomfortable, and when there isn't a schedule I become anxious.

This was my challenge on the trip.

Most people in Africa aren't as considered with schedules and time. They make some plans, but they also go with whatever happens. And more imoprtantly, most of the people that I met were incredibly in tune with God's voice.

So while I was there, I really had to learn to slow down and take time to breathe.

We don't always know what is going to happen in the next hour of our lives. And when choose to be okay with that (when we choose not to plan everything), we allow God to take over.
It's okay to not always have a plan. It's okay to be 2 minutes late. It's okay to spend a little bit of extra time talking to somebody even if it interferes with your schedule. It's even okay to take a night off to reflect, to laugh, or to just hang out and eat chocolate (we did that a few times).

It's actually better this way.

When we take time to breathe, we allow God to have control.

When we slow down, we have time to listen to God's voice.

(Proverbs 22:17-18, John 10:27, Romans 10:17)


Nothing is the end until God says it's the end. 
Looking back, God's power is more evident to me than I ever realized at the time.

There are so many stories that I could re-tell (the story about how we nearly missed our connecting flight, or the one about how my friend was attacked by a baboon... seriously), but there is one thing that I never truly realized before now.

God is supreme.  

During my last week in Zambia, I received an email from home informing me that my dog had died.

That really put a damper on my African-adventure excitement.

According to the world's medical expertise, he shouldn't have died. He was fairly young. Full of life. Crazy and alert. And ever his strange, fluffy, 17-pound self.

I'm still not really sure what happened, but I cried for days after I received that email. One of those days was the day we went to Victoria Falls.

For a while, I walked around this natural wonder without smiling or talking to anyone because all I could think about was how broken my heart felt. And how empty the living room chair would be without Scooter.

I never really 'got over it' as some say should have happened. To this day, I still miss him.

But what occurred to me at the Falls was that God really is always in control.

He controls the water that crashes over the rocks, and He calms the water that trickles across the stones. He controls the howling baboons that line the top of the mountain-like structure. He commands each side of the Falls to stand up straight. He could silence all of Victoria Falls. And despite His supremacy, not a sparrow falls to the ground without Him caring (Matthew 10:29).

He cared about my little dog.

I have no idea why He allowed him to die when I was on the other side of the world (or why He allowed it to happen at all).

But what I do know, is that I am small in comparison to the world.

I know that I can worship despite the pain.

I know that when I slow my racing, worried thoughts, God's voice can be heard.

And I know that despite the chaos of life,

He reigns. 


Kayla 

"You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is like it: 'Love your neighbour as yourself.'" Matthew 22:37-39

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
1 John 4:8

{Scooter}